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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm back
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, I am so sorry. There just are not words.

But you CAN get through this and you will. We will help you. This is my second rodeo too. I'll hold your hand when you feel like you can't go on. PM me anytime.

Massive, huge (((((HUGS))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erzuli, for now, if you can, put your heart (the part that is hurting with this latest betrayal) in a different place and lock it away. Your babies need you! Your heart is there for them both and available for them both, especially your girl who beat cancer! You are so lucky she beat that horrid disease--but I know the watchful eye of a doggie mommy!

I have two dogs - don't laugh, but here goes. One of them, middle aged, healthy - had him since a pup. The other, a somewhat disabled senior I rescued as a senior. Been taking care of her, helped her beat cancer even. She depends on me now more than ever. I feel like I have to be strong for them. I can't just fall apart, and not be there for what they need.

Be strong for yourself and your dogs. I am so sorry you are dealing with this other crap!

Hope


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
cocoabean
Member
Member # 76
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember you sweetie. You are a strong, wonderful woman and even though you are beyond crushed, you WILL make it through this

We can't take your pain away but we can walk with you through it.


“There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats”
*Pablo Picasso*

"I am a goddess"
*Cocoabean*


Posts: 1638 | Registered: Jun 2002
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

Erzulie, any way you slice it, it sucks to be a repeat member. I totally get you on that one, trust me.

Over 20 years ago, I was married to a skirt chasing cheater. Here’s the funny thing – when I had enough ammo to shoot him between the eyes and call him on his sleazy cheating, he never ONCE claimed it was due to anything in the marriage or lack of sex or affection or attention, or ANYTHING like that.

But here’s the unbelievable thing. This man HONESTLY believed that his extra-curricular activity was none of my business. Yup, he actually looked me right in the eyes and said, “that part of my life has nothing to do with THIS part of my life…so why do you keep trying to put the two together? One has nothing to DO with the other.”

I remember my jaw just hanging down in utter amazement as I listened to him say this. He honestly felt I had no right to call him on another part of his life that had nothing to do with ME and our marriage. I’ll never, ever forget that insane conversation if I live to be 1,000.

Maybe your husband is one of these nut jobs like my ex, who wrongly feels that THAT part of his life somehow has nothing to DO with you and your marriage. Yes, I know it’s crazy and insane and self-indulgent and just 14 layers of wrong. I know it and I lived it.

My way of dealing with things then and after this latest debacle (see my signature) is to “fake it til I make it.” And that’s what I did. Trite? Yup. But that’s what I did.

Wishing you peace of mind and spirit.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Erzulie)))

WoW. He did not do something that stupid sounds like my husband asshats.
Honey I made mine give up the home computer and he will never never get to use a personal computer like he did. When he gets on I am sitting literally beside him watching him.
He tends to think I am over doing it now been 5 years. Not Happening we will divorcd before that happens will not go thru that again.
I am sorry but as you know there is work ahead for both you and him.
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erzuli,

I'm here because my wife was on Ashley Madison too - for 20 months. Hell, she was on the same time as your H. It was the biggest trauma of my life. To find out that not only did they cheat, but Ashley Madison? I know the pain you are feeling - 22 months out and it is still incomprehensible. I am so sorry for you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((EZ)))

I am so sorry that you are back here.

You know what you have to do, first and foremost, it's time to make you first priority. Eat, Sleep, stay hydrated. If you can't manage that, get to your Dr, and get something to help you with that. While you are calling the Dr, set up a time to get the full STD workup again. Has to be done for your own well being.

You need to see an attorney, and find out what your rights are. Who knows maybe you can even get some Dog support, like child support.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, breath in breath out. Work was actually a reprieve for me, it was the one place where I was able to think about something other than the A for a few hours anyway. This helps to give some perspective.

You are young, your are strong, You deserve much more than he has given you. It's time to demand more.

Sending you lots of
((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, SO much.

Didn't sleep a wink. Seeing a doctor today though.

This is going to sound odd - but, maybe dog lovers will understand. On some twisted level, I can accept his betrayal of me. His risk of losing me. I have an impossible time, however, with grappling the idea that he would be willing to lose his dogs. The thought is beyond my best attempt at comprehension.

I love them so much, I would hurt myself before ever even flirting with the idea of risking hurting them. Heck, I felt the same way about my husband.

Why didn't my husband feel that way about us?


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit, girl, I am so sorry to hear this.

However, if it is any consolation, I had to hit my "reset button" at age 41 with a teen and a tween at home. My ex was (and still is) a serial adulterer and chronic liar.

I am very, very content. It was the right thing to do, even though it was the most agonizing thing I have ever gone through.

You be a tough chick--you will get through this.

We will help.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((erzulie)))

I guess I am one of the few on this site who is going thru this a 2nd time, in 2 different marriages
(first marriage lasted 10 yrs, no kids, I was putting him thru grad school, & I divorced him when I found out that he cheated;
in this 2nd marriage of 24 years, we had 4 kids together--& I am trying to R for the kids);

You & I are going to ask "What's wrong with me" that our WHs would do this to us, but we really have to KNOW that it is something wrong with them.

why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

yes, they could have done this ^^ if their needs were not getting met.

It sounds like it is really time for you to make yourself a priority & do the 180.
And,you already know that this site will help you a lot.

We can't take your pain away but we can walk with you through it.

Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cat! A familiar "face". OMG, long time, no chat. I hope things are great in your world...

That is my biggest fear - trusting again. It was so hard to rebuild that trust the first time. Now? I can't even fathom the possibility - emotionally OR intellectually.

I cannot imagine waking up at 84, finding out I gave my whole life and heart to someone who was never honest. My entire life would be a sham.

Did I mention how my own brother went through this around the same time - 2010/2011? We watched his agony, supported him, helped him ... my husband offered his hand and heart multiple times to him. My brother's wife had cheated. The same time my husband was offering support to my brother, he was signing up for Ashley Madison and telling his "rugged handsomeness" (his self-characterization) to strange, moral-less women.

Who does that?!?!?


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Selling" - not "telling". Damn iPad.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erz, PM me and I can fill you in.

But to your question on "who does that," my answer is someone very broken and disconnected from other people's feelings. I watched my now-ex cry over his mother's affair, but go on to have 4 (perhaps more) of his own.

As difficult as it may be, perhaps who he is is a chronically deceitful person with issues with intimacy (not sex, emotional intimacy) and the ability to mimic emotions and say the right things. Sometimes in some of these serial cheaters, there is nothing more than a hollow shell and the ability to say and act in a way that may be perceived as loving.

I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions now, but I would get into IC quickly to have some help in sorting all of this out. An attorney appointment wouldn't be out of the question either.

I am so sorry you are here under these circumstances. I have thought of you frequently over the years . . .

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Erzulie,

I remember you, and I'm sooooo sorry you find yourself back here. As others have said, NO ONE should have to go through this twice.

I totally get your devotion to your dogs and to treatment for the one that is a senior. At my D-Day, I also had a dog that was sooooo incredibly sick and had been misdiagnosed and given treatment that actually made her worse. Two days after D-day, I had an appt. with a different vet for a 2nd opinion. It was THAT appointment and my devotion to that dog that actually kept me from killing myself. Honestly.

I look back on it now and thank GOD I had that dog (and my other pets) to keep me going. I know I wouldn't have gotten out of bed (or worse), if those wonderful little lives weren't dependent on me. I shudder to think about that now.

You are a strong and amazing woman. That he could betray you in this way is just beyond comprehension. I am so sorry.

But, you WILL get through this. We'll help you. And, those amazing and devoted bundles of dog fur will help you too.

Huge hugs to you...


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
hangingontohope7
♀ Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart hurts for you. I'm also back for a second round. A little over 5 years between DDays.

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

^^^^I have had the exact same thoughts. My gut started screaming that something was wrong about 2 months before DDay#2. I asked him to go back to MC. I begged him to stop working overtime so we could spend time as a family. It didn't matter what I did for the past 5 years, he doesn't want to change. It's easier this way. He begged me to stay after DDay #1. He did and said all the right things up until the beginning of this year. And now I feel as though I've wasted 5 years of my life trying to rebuild a marriage he continued to take for granted.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's a very strange feeling to go through it a second time. Part of you simply can't believe it and a different part of you remembers the familiar pain. I wasted no time jumping back on this site for support after DDay #2. Keep posting and take care.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going through this again. IMHO there is no excuse for a second offense. Sounds like a pattern developing.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it a sign of being empowered that I want to tell people today, what happened?

I didn't think I'd want to tell anyone. Now, I feel like reaching out - not to mudsling or anything, just get some support from my family and closest friends.

I haven't yet. Just wondering if this is a bad move, and if it will pass, or linger ...


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found a tremendous well of support in reaching out to selected people. I didn't tell anyone after the first (that I know of) affair.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Question  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did much the same the first time around - didn't tell anyone.

All I know is - everything I did last time, didn't work.

But then again, I'm not even sure what I want this time. My goals may have changed.

His priority is to have sex - even if that sex is relegated to immoral strangers (aka, zero intimacy). My priority is to be in a relationship with someone I can trust.

How do you reconcile that? I am starting to think it really isn't possible.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, it sounds like an intimacy disorder to me. His nameless, faceless affairs are his way of having a "pop-off valve" of sorts. A way to not wholly invest and be vulnerable to anyone. Personally, I think it is a lot to overcome, and in my situation it was co-morbid with NPD.

There is no timetable and nothing you "should" be doing other than to physically and emotionally take care of yourself.

As far as telling others, you know as well as I do that the bell cannot be unrung; however, I do think you would benefit from not having to keep his secrets for him.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
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