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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: fishing by OW
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night while we were snuggling in bed,H told me that OW had looked at his profile on a business networking site. This site allows you to see who views your profile and when...OW would,of course,know this. She viewed his profile the day after I posted pics of our vow renewal on Facebook. Coincidence? I don't think so. H has OW blocked on FB and on the business website. My gut feeling is that she saw my pics on FB and made a passive attempt at contact, but leaving the ball in H's court. H said that I was probably right,but that what SHE wanted didn't matter,because what he wanted was me and us and our family. He also said that he would let me know if/when she contacted him,that he would not respond to her,but that I could if I wanted to

My question/wondering for others(both WS and BS) in R...how do you handle fishing attempts? The triggering was pretty intense for me and took several hours to recover from...and maybe I'm still not through it. It's hard to trust that H will take care of us-hard to know that I have no say so over whether he stays away from OW...this one or others.

Have to say,I want so badly to email/call OW and rip her ass. Just because her new marriage(she got married in June,and yes-she was with her now H while sleeping with my H,and no-I never contacted him) sucks doesn't mean that she needs to try to come back into my relationship.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting....

Hubby didn't take my warning about her recontacting him again until after it happened the first time. I did contact her BS and let him in on their nasty big secret. He in turn came down very hard on his wife. Since she wasn't into giving up one thing about the affair except she loved my husband very deeply, he used me to get info. One day I decided to use him to get back at her though. My H's PA person would not let her husband touch her after he found out about the A......not at all. I decided to play on this and told this BS that H and I had reconnected sexually in a hugely successful way.......many times a week at first......Which was the truth. Well, since he seemed to take my info directly to her she must have freaked out about this new revelation that my H and I were sexually reconnected. It took less then 8 hours after receiving that news for her to text my H. He wasn't expecting it....I was waiting for it. To his credit he called me right away.....sick to his stomach, sent me the entire exchange. Felt he had done a good job with his NC text back. Since I got to read the words of the texts I knew exactly what he had sent her. Sadly it wasn't nearly as terse, straightforward or curt as it needed to be. Damn if he didn't put the slightest bit of feeling into it. Women talk in feelings......he gave her feelings!

So I continued to know that one day we would get another contact from this woman. The next one came in a phone call informing him she had bought her recent business travel ticket and would be stopping by on her way home from Europe. She wanted closure.....like hell she did....she wanted to test the waters again. Thankfully, living in a different country from her has its advantages!!!!! Her BS actually warned me something was up and called me right before my H did. My connection to this despicable man has helped save my m. It has given me a window into their nasty marriage, their dysfunctional family and their horrible FOO issues. Hubby has been decimated knowing this woman was so manipulative and conniving....he had never seen this in her during the A. To find out her H had all but D'ed her before this all started was a game changing for him. She has let him see how bad things were and how stupid and naive he had been.

Recently my linked in profile showed an anonymous person stalking my page. They had looked at my profile more then 15 times. An employer or prospective business contact wouldn't do this. I know she has been to my FB page.....that is now filled with tons of happy thoughts, pictures and stories of our new wonderful M. Even my profile picture has my loving, smiling H in it. I hope the knife goes deep and turns sideways each time she reads how well we are doing!!!!!

I too wanted to contact this bitch so often until she did it for me. After being turned away by my H on her return business trip I sat down with H and we sent her a joint text saying leave us alone! We threatened to go to the authorities if she even as much as landed at our airport. This one was completely direct and I followed it up with my own equally direct text saying everything my H had said so she knew I knew everything. She texted me back directly. Can you imagine being offered a portal into her thoughts????? I grabbed onto the text she sent me and nailed her to the cross. I didn't leave anything out, I called her to the mat on every issue and everything she brought up. Imagine being told straight from her that she loved my husband more then anything in the world and so desperately wanted her very best friend back????? Imagine saying that to someone else's spouse. The texting went on for hours...and H read the entire exchange. That was when he saw the gravity of bringing an unstable person into our world. I feared for my safety for quite a while and so did our MC and DR. If she could say those types of things to me they warned me she was living in a very delusional world and wasn't going to give it up too easily.

I am still waiting for the next antic to come from this woman. My H now believes me she is capable of just about anything now. Sure wish he could have seen the real her 5 years earlier.

My revenge came just recently in the form of Karma. Her nasty, bitchy ways finally caught up to her at work. Her coworkers were finally able to have her demoted because of her nasty management style. She was demoted to the lowest position she could be without being fired. So no longer has a staff and is a single contributor. For someone who took serious pride in her job this was the best way to implode her world. A quick call to the other BS confirmed she finally gets it. THANK GOD!!!!

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:42 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a fishing attempt last week and we've been wondering how to handle it. The (most recent) OW sent my fWS a birthday card and email at work, but it was disguised enough that he didn't figure out at first it was from her (she had created a new email account that seemed like a client). He thought it was from a client and responded before realizing who it really was. She responded back, he realized, and he let me know right away what had happened.

We are wondering if we should send her a snail-mail letter, signed by both of us, reiterating the NC in a firm and clear way so that she knows I know and that we are serious about our R.

We have not had any contact from her since our original NC, but we suspect that if we did this she would probably respond.

What do you all think? Just leave it alone (it has been more than a week now) or send a strong letter?


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Painfuljourney
♀ Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me I'd confront and reiterate. He's mine bitch! Back off or I will make your life a living hell.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If an initial NC letter has been sent, then crickets is the way to go. ANY contact, even negative, fuels the fire. Icy silence. (unless of course you have something awesome like a spouse you can share the contact with)

The OW tried to follow me on Twitter 2 years past our second dday. It was the only attempt I have ever seen or found. It really messes you up, so I feel for you. But I do think it is best to just ignore and move on.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest a legal approach is affective when all else fails. She is delusional at best and you have to shock her. Icy works for rational people. Shock works best for WS, APs! People who need a real wake up call.

I suggest you send her another contact, be it snail mail or conquering texts from both phones saying the same thing and letter her know the other spouse is in on everything. I would then also add to this message that your previous NC request has gone by the wayside. Tell her is there is ANY further attempt at contact in any form you will be talking with the law. Harassment is something she can be charged with. A return delivery notice signed by her is effective for making this seem VERY REAL to her.
You need to be ready to back up any threats or comments about actions you said you would take.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all gettingthere, you should be very happy, your H was honest with you, and responded appropriately. So that should make you happy happy happy. It takes time to regain the trust, and each time something like this happens, and he responds in a good way, you will feel a tiny bit safer.

Now as far as responding. If NC was established, clearly, succinctly, then the best response is crickets. She wants to get some attention, like a little kid any attention is better than none.
If NC was never clearly established, this is an opportunity to do this with the words leave us alone, or we will consider it harrassment from this point forward. Also if she has an H and he is still in the dark, I would let her know her next attempt will result in your H letting her H know all about it.

I know the temptation is great to contact her, and give her a piece of your mind, but remember, she is a messed up broken, sick self centerd, mess who wouldn't get it, or even worse allow herself to become the vicitim in all of this, so I say crickets.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT -

Please remember to follow the forum guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 34490 | Registered: Mar 2011
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only contact we have had with my WHs 2 x EA OW was when she texted himone time about 4 months after Dday when he told her it was over. Only, instead of being sweet and coyly trying to worm her way back in, she accused him of giving out her # to whomever had been obscenely calling her. My H was shocked she would think such a thing. Even with all the moral judgement errors he has made, he would never do such a thing. he thougth she was a nice person and thought she felt that way about him. He thought they had parted amicably.

This was a blessing as it opened his eyes to who/what she really is. She lied to him about many things about herself to make herself appear more desirable, and this broke that spell.
He told me about it immediately, did not delete any of the texts until he came home and showed me and sent her back a message approved by me "Neither my wife nor I would do this. Do not contact us again." Then we blocked her #.

So far, so good.

[This message edited by PamJ at 1:02 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just leave it be as Rebreather said. Crickets all the way! I speak from experience in this area.

It is good that he told you about it. It is hard to trust them but when they volunteer the info. as they should, after time those demonstrations of transparency add up and so does the trust.

Hear the crickets? I do!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm learning to trust my gut,and crickets is what feels right to me. Nothing says 'you mean nothing to me' like silence. When I contacted her immediately after DD,we had several back and forth exchanges,and they satisfied some of my curiosity. She said she would never contact H or myself again. It actually comforts me some,in a sick sort of way,that she is reaching out to H...it means that her life and her marriage is lacking,that SHE is lacking,period....that is exactly what I want for her. Maybe one day I'll get past that,but for now


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Topic Posts: 11

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