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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cheated on less than on a month after wedding
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you my WW cheated on me within the first year of our M.

Unlike you it continued for 15 years, 3 kids, and a lifetime together.

Yours is a shit sandwich no matter how you look at it, however I do wish I had the option back then because for me it would be an easy one. I would have left. This is your decision, and I know you are concerned about "pushing" her to hard. But now is exactly the time to demand exactly what you want. The healing library has many good book choices to help you determine what it is you do want.

This is so hard to process and I bet your brain is spinning at a million miles an hour. Try and slow down and breath. This is a long process, not a sprint.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so fresh for you the flies are still swarming around the shit sandwich you've just been served.

It may help for you to take a few steps back and not make any decisions right now. Just observe. See what your W is saying and doing. If she is not actively working on trying to make amends for this I think you have your answer. You need to be the focus. She should be making the calls for counseling. She should be doing everything in her power to prove to you that she can be trusted. She should be reassuring you that your marriage is where she wants to be. If she isn't then I think you have a pretty good idea of who you are really dealing with. If she isn't sure what she wants to do then it's time to protect yourself. Meet with an attorney, you don't have to file anything but know what your options are.

I am very sorry for what you are being put through. You will get through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
demos
♂ Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will learn as you go through this and as you educate yourself on infidelity that affairs are not accidents. They're not once in a lifetime events. Broken people have affairs. It is possible for those people to fix their brokeness but it takes lots of work and time. The concern is that she's too young and doesn't have enough invested in you to put in that work.

And I can guarantee you that the feeling of loss and loneliness that you fear now ..... will go away. And if you stay with her you will at some point down the road question yourself as to why you made that decision and wish you had walked away.

Sorry to be so direct my friend but I can guarantee you this.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that just hit me... In theory he stole her phone and put his # in it. Yet she says he initiated contact? How did this random guy get her #?


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Andthencraigslis
♀ New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have got a lot of people telling you to cut and run, and I can't say I don't agree ... But I can imagine the idea IS overwhelming to you . I would say if you don't think you can leave right now you should still proceed with drawing hard lines with her. What you have going for you is that she told you. I have to think there is some conscience there....I would have her sign a post nup, demand STD testing and counseling, see a lawyer about your divorce/annullment options.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Andthencraigslis
♀ New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have got a lot of people telling you to cut and run, and I can't say I don't agree ... But I can imagine the idea IS overwhelming to you . I would say if you don't think you can leave right now you should still proceed with drawing hard lines with her. What you have going for you is that she told you. I have to think there is some conscience there....I would have her sign a post nup, demand STD testing and counseling, see a lawyer about your divorce/annullment options.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for what you're going through. I wish I could say it's just "unbelievable", but these day, nothing is anymore...

You've gotten great advice here and I know you need time to sort out your own thoughts and feelings. Do take your time.

I whole-heartedly agree that you should definitely NOT go to any birthday gathering tonight. Do. Not. Go. You are way too emotionally vulnerable to be put in that type of situation. I guarantee it. You are probably still in shock. Have your wife tell people you got sick/food poisoning or whatever if you want to save face. But DO NOT GO!

Don't worry about hurting her feelings by boycotting. She wasn't worried about your feelings at all. She needs to understand the gravity of what she has done.

I am just so sorry that you find yourself here. I know it must be overwhelming to hear so many people say "leave" when you are still just in what should be the honeymoon of your emotional love. Please know it is just that so many of us are struggling with the immense pain of all this and have to take into account the well-being of our children and the lives we've spent many, many years building together. I'm sure many of us think that if we didn't have so many of these other things keeping us in our marriages, and were only one month in like you, we'd easily walk (or run) out the door. Many of us are projecting our wishes onto your situation. But we are also speaking from many levels of experience with infidelity. Everyone here just wants what is best for you.

Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, try to eat, try to sleep. Take an over-the-counter sleep aid if you need it. Exercise. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

(((and strength)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clesu...Run away as fast as you can. This is the easiest part of your marriage and she has already done this?

Mine cheated after 19 years and I still think of walking sometimes and that was 16 months ago. You are never going to get over this. If she already looking outside of your marriage it's a sign of things to come. She probably isn't mature enough to recognize that she has a problem.

If you stay she will be pregnant inside of 2 months and then you are hooked. Mark my word.

If she thought you were the perfect guy why did she do that? If you stay with her your life is going to be hard and painful.

Life is a lot longer than you think it is. You should thank her as you walk out the door.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but glad you have found us. Yes, 25 is young, but is not too young to have developed integrity and character. She maybe sorta loves you in some fashion, but she has manifested that she does not have respect for you and likely not much of it for herself. Evaluate your situation very carefully brother. Post as much as you need to, and read as much as you can. There are many wonderful folks here who have come to their wisdom through this same wall of pain that you just got slammed into.You can and will get through this, and I wish you peace and happiness when you are on the other side.Be good to you.

Edited for poor spelling.

[This message edited by LAFA at 2:42 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been given some great advice by some wise experienced people. I can only add that one of the reasons why I even considered R with my WH was the quality of our relationship prior to his A. We had been married for six years prior to the start of his A (married ten years total). I was able to draw strength and comfort from our experiences from our marriage. We had built a life and family together. My concern for you is that your life with your WW has just started. She seems unsure whether she is even committed to you and your M. I cannot tell you whether you should stay or go, but consider carefully whether your M to her is worth investing your time and effort in. It might be in your best interest to walk away and rebuild yourself.

Take care of yourself.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Driving 2 hours...think about it? That's a long time, and plenty of time to turn back... So that's not a mistake.

Secondly one month into marriage? And now she wants her me time? And you're already going to therapy? There's a bunch of red flags which don't augur well for your long term future.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clesu
And she is stilll planning on going out with her FRIENDS!! Because it is her birthday? Really???
I would stay home and beg for forgiveness. Yet another sign of her being sooo sorry.

Run Clesu run..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Amber13
♀ Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear I'm so sorry you are going through this. The first months are an emotional minefield. The best advice as someone else also put is dont rush to make any decisions.
Can I ask how long you were together before the wedding?
I'm 24 and my partner is 30. We were not married but had been together for 7 years
It's your decision to make. I hope she is willing to support you and work through this.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
Amber13
♀ Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I also add that in time you will come to understand the situation better, and you will be able to tell how committed she is and how resentful (or lack of). Then this big issue will be identifying how you really feel about it, and if you can stay with a person who could do that to you. Your feelings can change too, you are probably I shock just now.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She lied and cheated on you within a month of your marriage and you are afraid to go tough on her.REALLY?

I think its time for you to read the book "No more Mr.Nice GUY" It is a good book to read.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, as someone whose situation is similar but found out later. RUN I do not generally recommend such an action as when i first joined it broke my heart to read so.

You found out now, you are so fucking lucky, you can annul your marriage. YOU ARE LUCKY. I wish I had found out a month after I was married NOT three years later.

So as hard as it is, go annul your marriage and then if you want to date fine.

I know it sounds cruel to say your lucky. But you ARE. I know you're licking your wounds and they hurt but be 'selfish' and look after yourself. Do it tomorrow if you can!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the only reason your WW had a wedding was to have her own personal prom.

I think this is right. And now does she want you to believe after driving two hours to bang this random promiscuous pig, that she has had her "me" time and is ready to settle down and be a good wife?

In some ways, the ones I understand the least are the ones who go through with the whole marriage thing, say vows, etc., pretty much knowing when they are going through this whole process that they really don't think it will be a big deal to cheat. And for her, why would she want to call off her big "look at me" party?

At her Bachelorette party? OMG.

You did say that you won't give her a chance unless she shows 100% committment and agrees to counseling, etc. Well, what is going to look like 100% committment to you? I'm not saying you are wrong for setting that criteria, and in fact if you want to give her another chance, I agree with the conditions you require. But what if she goes to counseling and tells the counselor, "I'm not sure what I want" or she tells you that? That is not 100% committment, and if that is the case, if I were you, I would take the advice others have given and get it annulled. She will hate that because her "me party" is going to backfire a little with negative publicity over what she did.

Even so, if she is such a great person, you can continue to date her after the D, and see where that goes in time. If you were to ever remarry her, I'd make sure it was a very small, mostly private thing, certainly not another "me" party for her.


Posts: 5676 | Registered: Apr 2006
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear what you are going through, we are all aware you love her but you have to believe that love work both ways.

Take your time to make any big decision, do not be afraid to push her away she is in her mind not with you anyways,

Be honest you are way better off without her, it is a long hard road to recover from this, but it will be a harder road in your life if you decide to stay.

Take care of yourself first!,


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
clesu
♂ New Member
Member # 40575
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I've been back on here after my first initial posts and I had read all of the advice you all had tried passing on to me. I can't express how much I appreciated it then and even more so now.

I feel I need to update you all on what has since happened between myself and the WW.

Plain and simple, it's all over.

I put the ball back in her court and told her that I had married her because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Even after making such a colossal mistake, I still loved her and I told her so. I said that the person I had known and loved for 4 years would never had done such a thing and that surely this was some sort of epic case of 'cold feet' and she didn't yet know how to talk to me and work on it as a couple. I said that I wanted to go to see a therapist with her, and we actually did go once last week. But while we were there she kept saying the same old song and dance, 'I don't know what I want.' This to me was unacceptable. It's not like we had some kind of rushed relationship, we had dated for over two years before we were engaged, and our engagement lasted over a year. At any point during that time if she was so unsure of what she wanted any normal person would have broken it off. But instead she strung myself and everyone we both know and love along, I guess hoping that suddenly her mind would change. Over this past weekend we were supposed to go to my parents house and then go to my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. She told me that she wouldn't feel right being around my parents right now and wanted to go to her own parents' house to clear her mind and think. I told her that would probably be best. When we both got back home yesterday she got straight to the point, she loved me but was not in love me and had not been for a long time. The final nail in the coffin. I told her to leave and she did.

Yesterday was perhaps the hardest day of my life. Not only because the woman I loved and had planned on spending the rest of my life with had abandoned me and had been lying to me for roughly half of our relationship, but because I had to tell my family who loved her more than anything what had happened. I have never heard my mother so upset in my entire life, I literally felt like a monster having to hear her heartbreak on the other end of the phone. The same went for talking to my brother, sister and dad. My family has never been the outwardly emotional type, but the pain and sadness that poured out of them yesterday crushed me.

I may have someday been able to move on from what my WW did to me, but I will never forgive what she has done to my family.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 18 years of marriage and seeing a few things, including my own WW's infidelity, here's my view. A lot of young women think they WANT to be married. All their friends are getting married at her age and it's foremost on their minds. They feel if they aren't married by 30 then life is over with and they will become spinsters. You most likely treated her very well all those years and she felt well this is as good as it gets. So she pressured you into a ring, but never could tell you she wasn't truly ready. This is 100% on her.

Marriage is not the end all to be all to life at 25 years old. Somewhere in our society we've told these women that they need to get married. It's the only way they will be happy. They see your grandparents married for 60 years and that's what they have to invision. To me it's immature and selfish. So they marry a guy that seems good and figure if it's not true love they will grow into you. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Fact is she wasn't ready to marry you. She liked the idea of having a ring to flaunt, but she wasn't mature enough. Personally at your age, I would cut your losses, return all the wedding gifts and GET OUT. Future behavior can be predicted fairly accurately by past behavior. Odds are she is going to cheat on you again. She has personal issues (probably FOO issues you really don't know about) she needs to address. the "I love you but not in love with you" garbage is just that...garbage. I heard it from my exWW too. They say that to try to soften the blow of infidelity and justify their poor behavior. Like that makes it feel any better...right?

Don't buy into this "I didn't get to sow my oats before you" crap. She has to learn that it isn't greener on the other side out there. You're young and it's hard enough starting out in married life with just that on your back. You don't need her crap on top of it. No she isn't committed to you. If she can't now after only one month....do you think she can do it for the long haul?

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:12 AM, September 16th (Monday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


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