Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune

I would echo what others have said-concentrate on you and what you love-not just your kids, but things you can become passionate about if only for your own sake.

I've been divorced almost 7 years. At the same time I was filing for divorce, I applied to a doctoral program. This was truly the best thing I've ever done for myself. It got me out of the house, meeting interesting people and talking about things and causes I believed in that weren't related to me or my divorce. Truly, the best thing I've ever done for myself and what I believe allowed me to heal. I'm almost done-I've just finished data collection on my dissertation and hope to complete this academic year.

I've also reconnected with friends and other causes I believe in.

I've done a quite a bit of dating, but it's always been tricky because I live in a rural area. Almost 2 years ago, I was set up on a blind date with a wonderful man who is the brother of a very close friend.

At 51 years old, I was happily and fully prepared to live alone for the remainder of my life, but now I could not be happier.

My first relationship was a rebound, sadly. It was hard for me to take that step back and be alone, work on myself. I had a hard time because I have NO family support and no kids so I was very much alone in the world. Not an excuse, just the reason why in looking back.

It was a good relationship, a friend I had known for 5 years. Very safe but very much we were the wrong people for one another. He was crushed when it ended, I was ready to move on and to this day I feel badly because I should have known better. No hard feelings towards one another. It started about 4 months after my exH left and lasted over a year.

The next 6 months I tried OLD (oh the stories!!), was probably a little too eager and definatley willing to accept people I should not have.

Met another BS (a friends brother) who was trying to figure out his life/leave or stay in bad marriage (read broken attracks broken or I was trying to save him, either way BAD!!!). He was not a very kind person, very very self-centered and I would bet controlling. Then he was "confused" between myself and an ex-girlfriend (pre-marriage) whom had cheated on him (RED FLAG!!). He dragged me around then I finally had enough (6 months after meeting)/he chose to try it with the ex-cheater (want to guess how that turned out??? Yes, history repeated itself, and he came back .. but I had already met someone else).

In an effort to just move on (I was pretty attached to him, we were a lot alike in some personality traits/how we grew up/what we experienced in life), I went back to OLD. I would just try to figure out how to date, look for people to just meet and maybe go out with casually (not FWB, not my style). It isnt easy dating, takes a while to figure out what you really want and to find someone.

The second person I met (VP), just a year ago, we hit it off. Partly because I was not really interested and by having that attitude (for myself), I was able to be myself and not care so much how he felt. I wasnt worried about being who he wanted me to be,I was just me. He either liked me or he didnt. I was not worried about making any imporessions, being "cute" or whatever else I might "feel" I needed to be to get his attention. I didn't care if he called, texted, if we had contact every day, or even at all. I just wanted to spend the rest of the year gathering some experience just dating, developing my outside friendships, enjoying my life at home, my horses, my alone time.

VP and are I are getting married on Thanksgiving morning this year. We developed the best relationships I have ever had. We are open with each other, there is no power struggle, there is not one of us "getting our way", there is no one in "control". We respect each other. Do not think it has been easy, we have had a number of obsticals tossed in our path but we have worked things out. Never once have we broken up over anything, nor have we fought. If I need time to sort things out, he gives it to me and in return I talk about it later (the openness!).

I was NOT the one who wanted to get married, it was all him. I had orginally thought that was what I wanted but when faced with it, wow, another story!! I went back to my IC to talk about it. Even she thinks it is a great relationship. I am just having a tough time going back to a place that cased so much pain and disappointment. Nothing to do with him.

So it can be better, but it does take time. Mine happened when I had not cared so much. It was because I just let it happen. I didnt push it (like happened with the other BS who couldnt decide!).

I read a LOT about what it takes to make a good relationship and thought about what one might look like, for me.

It was all about time and what I put into it.

It is about us being there for one another because we care for one another. Not what we can get, not to raise kids (he has a daughter), not to live off another, not to have someone to come home to. Because we really enjoy each other and get along (we have lived together since the beginning of the year). We have become very good friends.

I was very lonely for a very long time. I turned it around and started to enjoy my time. I did some deep soul searching about what went wrong in my marriage, what *I* did wrong and what *I* need to do to be in a great realtionship (not just good, GREAT!

There are happy endings. This relationship for me is far better then my marriage ever was or could have been.

In the end I am not sorry about where I ended up or what I went through because it all formed me into the person I am now.

Turning my situation around to a positive has been very helpful. Even the "bad" things that happen can lead to something very positive that might not otherwise have happened. I look for the positive outcomes. (It isnt always easy!!!)

So I was under nearly constant stress for just over 8 years. Before he died, my husband asked his best friend to take care of me afterward. Best friend's wife had walked out on him about 14 months before my H died.

The month after H died, my medical tests all showed NORMAL results for the first time in years! And the friend? We developed feelings for each other and are now very happily coupled, living together and getting along like nobody's business. His divorce was final about 2 months after he told me that he had feelings for me. He's had my name tattoed on his arm and responds to the question: "Are you two married?" with "Not yet."

I haven't been this truly happy in years.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 4:42 PM, September 9th (Monday)]