We are in therapy and we went back because dust was settling and we moved and I was starting to have trouble. So we started the counseling and every week it was a fighting issue and we weren't dealing with the affair issue. Well now he's given up drinking, he's on meds for his anger, we haven't been fighting for a few weeks so now I'm trying to get back to the root of the why my life has been completely uprooted. I can tell he's starting to get agitated because I want to revisit issues of affair so I can try to move past and he just wants to be in the we are now working why go back to that? He's a rug sweeper. I need to get through this.
Anyway, anybody out there help with the rebuilding of trust? I understand time but anything else? How do I trust him?
A lasted 2ish years.
OW: coworker (He quit his job and we couldn't be happier about it!)
She said that for example if you say if you don't cross this line, I will trust you. So the addict doesn't cross the line, but you still don't trust them, you make another demand, if you don't cross the line and jump through the hoop I will trust you, so the addict does as you ask, but you still don't trust them. Again you make another demand, as in, don't cross the line, jump through the hoop and let me set it on fire. By then you are at a point where the addict says oh well, that's too much. You aren't going too trust me anyway, so they stop trying to earn your trust because they can not do it, you have to give it to them when you are ready.
I know we are not talking about addicts here, but to me that makes perfect sense. Although I don't know how to give this gift of trust to my addict son, much less my cheating husband.
Have you seen the Capital 1 commercial on the tele where you can now erase travel and hotel stays off your bill? I can not think of any reason WHY you would want to do that other than to cover up a LTA.
Disposable pay per use phones. Tablets. PCs at home and at work. Smart phones. PMs on forums. You can send PMs on Linked In and any chat blog forum out there. Easy to get yahoo, msn, hotmail, rocketmail, live, gmail, and god knows what other free email accounts that can easily be hidden.
Trying to monitor and keep track of them all is like playing whack-a-mole at the circus.
IMO trust in this day and age is a fools sanctuary.
All any of us can do is to trust ourself. Trust that if it happens we will eventually find out. I journal WW activity now and reason through all her actions to see if they make sense. Thats all I do to monitor her. If she starts another LTA I will eventually discover it and I trust myself enough to know that I will handle it in the appropriate manner.
Trust yourself. Thats all you can do.
The first step is realizing/figuring out who you married. Really seeing them; not just what you want to see, not just who you thought they were, not just who you trusted them to be, but THEM.
It's like establishing a baseline. In my observations, that shock, that immediate pain and disconnect we all feel when a DD hits is a natural step for reestablishing that very thing: "Who is this person?" It's a terribly hard step, but vitally important.
After that, after we move past the confusion of who the person standing in front of us is (THIS MAY TAKE SOME TIME) we've done our part in the trust process.
Literally, everything else is up to them. They have to earn the trust. They have to establish themselves as people that can be trusted, that should be trusted.
Part of this whole process is learning what people choose for themselves, for both the WS and BS. Does your WH choose to be someone you can trust? That's what you should be asking yourself, Coz.
[This message edited by Reality at 5:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)]