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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finally feeling ready to post my story... (sorry v. long)
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!! I understand his brother is disgusted but what do his parents say about all this??

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a tragic story, but I think you're doing the right thing. You and YOUR daughter will be better off without a sociopath in your life.

My Uncle did something similar to my Aunt a couple of years ago. Luckily they had no children, but after almost 30 years of marriage he just walked out. Gave her the house - basically did anything just to erase her from his life. Wanted no contact from her at all. Everything through a lawyer. He adored their dog. Boom, bye bye dog, never looked back. It's as though his life with her never existed. He married the OW (who needed a green card - HA!) as soon as humanly possible. When I think about it now, I think he too is a sociopath.
And my Aunt was a wreck, but she is doing AMAZING now. She truly is better off without him.
Keep posting here, we're here to help and again, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. It's really hitting home that I'm doing the right thing by letting him go, even though it still makes me sad sometimes.

He wants to terminate all parental rights, meaning no CS but no contact either. So it's both good and bad, and I think the good outweighs the bad here. I know if I did try to fight for CS, the monster I now know him to be would make my life as miserable as possible because I dared to say "no" to him. I think this was my only clue about his sociopathic tendencies from the marriage. When we were still together, if anyone ever refused to do what he wanted, he went ballistic. Usually he could put things in a way that made you feel stupid to disagree with him so this rarely happened. I feel pretty stupid that I never saw it for the problem it was.

Dark Inertia, his mother died several years ago and he never had a great relationship with his father. I have talked to his dad a few times. I remember the first time he called me, he could barely get any words out, he was crying so hard. I know how terrible he feels about this. I think he's the one who most suspected all along but never did or said anything about it.

I've been thinking about offering to let his father meet DD...I don't know when I'll feel ready to do that, but it feels like the right thing to do. Has anyone had experience with that?

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ Member
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry what happened to you. It's beyond my comprehension that he could walk away as if you and your DD never existed. What a despicable piece of shit! I think you made the right decisions and I'm glad you're here. I almost feel sorry for the OW - she has no idea what she got herself into but will find out eventually. He can't hide his past and his own family forever.

Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome - all I can say is you really have been given a huge gift with him walking away. You are not accountable to him in any way. You seem smart well spoken and perfectly capable of doing the mom thing without any need of support from this dirtbag.

Don't worry about when your daughter asks. You will be healed and showing her how strong a woman can be. That my dear is te best gift you can give a young girl.

You will be strong and you will be ok it may seem overwhelming right now but once those papers are signed some real healing will occur.
Don't be in a hurry to find another man. Show yourself that you are perfectly happy on your own. Then when the next guy comes along you won't be tempted to tolerate any nonsense, and be treated like the queen you are.

(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ New Member
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I want to hug you and then I want to choke slam your husband. Not as a BS myself, but as a member of society that cringed when I read this story. I am so sorry for what he did to you.

Second-it sounds like he has had this planned for a while. Like your therapist said, a math equation, he also did that with your marriage. Told you, then had B, C, D, E etc already in the works. I know you're sad and hurt for you and your daughter. I am, too. I am also sad for that poor woman who is going to marry him. An acquaintance did something similar; cheated on his wife, got the OW pregnant, got his W pregnant, then signed the rights off to the OW's son. Don't think for one second he doesn't think about that little boy every day. I've seen him cry over him. His decisions haunt him every day. And he isn't even with his W anymore.

As for making a deal with the devil, YOU are not. HE did. When he signed those termination of parental rights away, he signed up for a life time of hurting. Know that. And he gave you and your DD the greatest gift of them all...his absence. What kind of role model would he have been for your daughter? She could have grown up with him in and out and then have "daddy issues" with her own relationships.

I apologize if I sound harsh, you absolutely got the best end of this deal. You got the best of him, your DD. You sound super strong and YOU will be the role model your daughter deserves.

Life will catch up with this man and I assure you, it won't be pretty. You, on the other hand, will be living the high life.

Hugs to you and your sweet daughter. Here's to REAL MOMS.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there is a lot of animosity towards your WS, but I honestly believe he is doing the best thing EVER. He is walking away. No back and forth, no "I want you", "I want her", no broken NC, the only thing he is leaving you with is your daughter and PEACE. Alleluia!

I think your daughter will be fine, and one day she may have questions and be disappointed in who her "father" is, but remind her that every person has the right to make choices and just because he is her "father" doesn't mean he has the capacity to make good choices. Doesn't mean she should take that as some sort of reflection on herself.

I wonder in situations like this what would make a person lie about something so HUGE like being married and denouncing a child. You have to be completely insane. What does OW do when she finds out too, that her WS left his own kid for her? She will go on loving him, but in the back of her mind she will always wonder if he did it to you he is capable of doing it to anyone (read: her)

You're free. She's not.

Hugs to you, I admire your strength...

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:05 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage BFF had 2 children with her XH a daughter and a son. He went "hunting" when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant with son and never came home. She found out via polive after filing missing person report that he was alive and living with OW 2 towns over. ( I know the story sounds far fetched but I swear it is very true).

Anyway that is the daughter I spoke about in my earlier post. The story becomes very strange when she files for D and CS. ( he did not leave her financially well off and in fact left her almost bankrupt). Her son was born autistic and he was so sure that he was incapable of fathering an "imperfect" child that he accused her of an affair and refused to pay CS. Court ordered but he has been in arrears for many years!

Meanwhile as time went on he wanted his daughter but not her son. She had to explain why his father never asked about him or wanted to see him. She handled it with as much dignity as she could by explaining that his father was a mixed up man who didn't know how to be a dad. I think most importantly she never bad mouthed the front of her children. She is my hero and handled a disgusting situation with dignity and class. She has rebuilt her life and raised her children to be amazing individuals.

I hope that you can find the right way to explain things when the time comes. ((( hugs )))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about offering to let his father meet DD...I don't know when I'll feel ready to do that, but it feels like the right thing to do. 

I'd think long and hard about this. You're main objective should be to server all ties with your soon-to-be-ex-monster. Even though he does not have much of a relationship with his dad, it's still his dad. My advice is to run from all things him.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry. Get a great lawyer. Someone as ego centric as your husband will be trying to come out ahead no matter what he says. And move fast. I think that if the Ow is ignorant of you and the child and that she has been duped she may dump him. Suddenly your ex might want the house, want custody etc. I suggest staying away from him and his family until things are settled. If you choose to allow the grand parents into your child's life at that point you will have greater control to set the terms. Enjoy your baby. In her you are walking away with the best of him and all you are leaving is the deceptive liar.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the right thing. Get the papers signed asap.
And thank your lucky stars that you don't have to pack up your precious DD every weekend to spend time with this useless, sociopath and his next victim.

As for grandpa - hold off on anything there till the papers are signed and then I'd wait until he actually asks to see her before you make a decision. I tend to agree that any open door there could lead to future problems for you and DD - and your only job now is to protect yourself and DD. The last thing you want are any strings connected to this cold heartless bastard.

As straight forward as the advice you are getting is - know that it is still going to hurt like hell, that you are still going to grapple with feelings of rejection, that you are still going to mourn what should have been and even who you thought he was. We all get that: you gotta go through to get through it. You are doing great and you sound strong, but we're here when you feel weak too.

It's going to be okay - hell, it's going to work out great in time.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4152 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
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