It instantly triggered both WH and I. He walked away, I pumped her for information. Thanks to Facebook, I know the BW's name.
I barely slept last night and it's all I can think about. Should I tell the BW?? Is it even my business to tell her?!
And then I think, OMG what if I tell her and it's not true, etc. But I'm betting it's true. I'm so devastated for the BW and pissed off at my friend for doing this without a care in the world about it.
I just keep thinking that if anyone knew when by WH was cheating, I would have wanted to know! But how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?! They have two really young kids. Ugh!
On the fence... do I stay or do
I can't believe the insensitivity.
I would tell the BW. I don't think it would be easy, but I would tell. If you're concerned that it isn't true, just tell her what you've been told. That's the best you can do.
I hope your friend gets out of this mess and gets some help. If she does, she won't hold this against you.
Please tell the BW. She deserves to know what is happening in her life.
That being said my MIL, who is a former BW is doing the same thing right now. She is seeing a married man who's marriage is over blah blah blah. And yes she knows what it has been like because she has been there and knows our situation. When we found out it triggered both WH and I to the point of major setbacks. I have gone both ways in my head and heart on this and in the end we have had to take the course of no action and distance hoping the BW will find out on her own but this is to protect our marriage and children. That may be selfish but the backlash is just drama we can't afford right now with the progress we have made. We basically are having NC with his mother right now. Our situation is different because it is a family member and we have dealt with way too much family drama in our marriage.
Either way, you have to make the decision that you can live with. I would have wanted to know and I told WH that.
At this point, I really don't give a shit if she holds it against me. WH said he is done with her and I pretty much feel the same way. It was a humongous slap in my face, the way she was excitedly talking about "Oh he is trying time leave but he can't right now, he is totally done with her, their marriage has been going down the tubes for a while now" etc. All that wayward drivel that we have ALL heard. She is being such an idiot. I'm appalled.
This is exactly how I felt too but I have SI and she doesn't. She completely believes this and so does your friend.
how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?!
As far as your friend goes, I would suggest dumping her. Throw her under the bus even (tell BW who she is, if you want). People like your "friend" who
happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"
I had a friend, a very close friend, of over 25 years that I had to cut loose because of her affair with a married man. It was hard and sad, but I really don't miss her now.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
And the "friend" would no longer be a friend of mine. I would go NC with her. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
So many people knew of my WS's affair, and could have found out who I was and sent me a message. I would have been sad, and angry, but glad that they let me know.
The BS probably knows SOMETHING is wrong, and it's probably driving her crazy trying to figure out what it is. And remember, you will not be the one hurting her or destroying her world - her WH and his OW are.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Hi, you don't know me, but I have some information that I feel you should know. I have a friend named xxxxxxxx, who informed me last night that she is having an affair with your husband xxxxxxxx. She said he is her "boyfriend" and that your marriage is going down the tubes and he "is going to leave but can't yet". I don't know anything more than those things that she told me. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, if you don't already know. The reason I'm telling you is, my husband cheated on me and left me for another girl and I wish someone would have clued me in, because I had no idea. So I am going to be the one to inform you, if you don't already know. I am so sorry, and so disgusted by my "friend" and her actions.
She is no longer my friend because of this but please don't name me in this if you do confront her. I'm SO sorry
OMG, I am shaking and I bawled as I sent that message. I also blocked my "friend" from facebook and my phone, and WH is sending her a NC text message and why.
My WH has been awesome. He triggered so hard last night, cried on the drive home, we talked last night and he texted me this morning telling me that he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore because he doesn't want people like that in his life. I'm so proud of him and trying not to take my pain out on him.
My god, I hate all of this. I hate that I have been crying off and on all morning and my poor kids are looking at me like I'm crazy and upset that I'm upset.
To this day, as awful as it was, my FWH & I owe this woman, as she probably saved him & our M. He had already ended the A, but the guilt & shame were eating him alive. Please, choose your words carefully, but do tell her somehow. Maybe you could say you're very sorry, as you've been in her position, & she deserves to know the truth, etc. Thank you for caring about someone you've never met!
Oh, just went back & saw that you sent the MSG. Good for you! I'm sorry that it's triggering you both, but you absolutely did the right thing! It's not spiteful at all. Hopefully this woman will know to get std tested & all that. She probably sensed things were off, & a hundred other confusing emotions. Now she has the truth & can make informed decisions! Kudos & hugs to you!
[This message edited by putonahappyface at 9:23 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]
..no question about it!
She had it done to her and she knows how Gawd awful you feel when other's know and you don't. She didn't want to be one of those people and she didn't want to see me trying so hard when he obviously wasn't.
WS was angry at her in the beginning, but I stood my ground as keeping her as a friend and eventually he became ok with it too, knowing we probably wouldn't be together if the affair had continued to the point of when (if ever) he decided to finally tell me.
Having said all that, being the better person is very very hard but something you knew in your heart you had to do. My friend was scared to death she would lose our friendship, but sacrificed it anyway to tell me. That's a truly good person in my eyes.
I wish more people in our society would take a stand like you did.
Has the BW responded to you yet?
And I've already gotten shit from another friend, accusing me of informing the wife because I'm spiteful that it happened to me.
Absolutely...spiteful -uhmm, no! You have walked that path and know what it's like! Nothing spiteful!
As well, the audacity of an OW to tell you about her affair is unbelievable!
She gets what she deserves...and never second guess telling the BW. She has a right to know...
And as for the friends who think otherwise of your actions...tell them to "get the steppin!" Those aren't friends!
[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 10:18 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]
Too many people think that it's not a big deal to cheat, but for the friend/OW to do something like that, knowing what you went through, I just have no words.
And I am sure your other friend knows what you went through as well so shame on her for also trivializing it.
Kudos to your husband for taking an assertive position.
I'm sorry you lost these friendships but, and especially, in the early stages of recovering your marriage you need positive people with morals and boundaries.