No, the BW has not responded. I'm hoping that she already knew and this just confirmed her suspicion, and not that my message just blind-sided her.
I'm just sick over this. The OW is a friend that I really care about. I can't believe she is so nonchalantly involving herself in a marriage. I'm so angry with her, and it may seem silly but *I* feel betrayed by her. I've cried about what I've gone through, on her shoulder. She is one of the only people who knows EVERYTHING about what happened. Why did she think it was even okay to tell me about this, did she really think I would congratulate her on her nwere boyfriend?!
It makes me sick just how common and accepted infidelity is in my generation. I'm in my late 20's and honestly I can't tell you one person I know who hasn't been cheated on.
On the fence... do I stay or do
I would tell the BW but only if you have proof and could do it anonymously.
HBH, I'm really sorry you're in this position. Your "friend" is anything but, and the BW deserves to know that this "friend" is helping her husband trash their marriage. In your shoes, I'd gently deliver the information to her, including that you've been friends with this woman for however long, that she told you herself, and any details she might have given (times, places, etc.). The woman needs all the intel she can get---both to get answers from her cheating husband AND to make informed decisions about her life.
ETA I read further, and see you did inform. I know how hard that is---and also am so sorry for the backlash you're already getting. Sometimes we learn the true tenor of our friends in the worst possible ways. You did the right thing. ((((HBH))) (I, too, would have given ANYTHING to have been told the truth--an anonymous tip years ago was easy to blow off, because I had no whiff of affair at the time. But when I was twisting myself in knots wondering what was so wrong with me that my husband was so distant, I would have loved a heads-up.)
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:44 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]
I have 2 wonderful friends who have been talking me off my ledge this afternoon and supporting me. I'm still upset but I'm confident that I did the right thing. I still can't believe this whole mess! It seems like people never learn. Infidelity isn't some novelty, it's real and it hurts and it has real consequences to real people!
One "friend" was in our wedding. He also cheats on his wife A LOT! I already knew about that, as does she. Yet, she stays and lets it continue. He laughed when H told him what he was doing.
The other friend, an old HS friend of his,told him he needed to get his shit together and either tell me or leave. She was very disappointed in him, but I guess not enough to let me know what he was doing.
Neither one of them thought to tell ME. He has pretty much stopped talking to both of them unless we run into them. Then it is just a hi, how have you been kind of thing. He understands that they are not "friends of our marriage" and I can never stand to be around them.
Years ago a friend (but not one I knew very well) told me she was having an EA with a mutual friend's H and that they were planning on leaving their respective spouses for each other. I was livid. Both families had two young kids. I told her she had a week to come clean with the spouses or I was going to do it. They didn't so I had to.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to tell this woman (in person, it was before Facebook) that I only barely knew that her husband was making plans to leave her for another woman. She was devestated.
The APs are still together to this day, 11 years later. Ugh. But at least I know I did the right thing.
Sorry for the T/J. Can you tell if she's seen the message yet? Is she active on FB? I sent my H's AP a FB message ages ago and she still hasn't "seen" it according to FB.
Feel proud. You did the right thing.
If you did not tell anyone that you did it, other than your husband, that means the BW did see it and the proverbial shit hit the fan if they know the BW now knows about it all.
Truly wish I had of done the same with my own 'friend' it may have saved our relationship from the painfest :(
Spiteful eh.......meh to that! There is a photo of your 'friend' in the dictionary next to the meaning of spiteful unfortunately!
I certainly don't expect my WH's friends to tell me about his affair but it would have been nice if they had said to HIM "Hey, you are doing something that is going to fuck up your life sooner or later. Why are you being so stupid?" But alas, no, they did not. So IMO they are not real friends.
Similar to you, I dumped a friend who was having an affair with a married man. She told me I did not have the whole story. I said I don't even want to know. Mind you, her H cheated on her the previous year and they were breaking up. So I just thought it was really crappy of her to do that to someone else - regardless of circumstance. Plus, have a little self respect, please!!!
One of my friends received an anonymous letter telling her about her WH's affair. This was a few days after she had asked for a sign from above about what to do about her marriage (she did not suspect but she did know she wasn't happy). She remains grateful to whomever sent that.
You did the right thing. Brace yourself for a little backlash but it will eventually blow over. Any friend you lose over this was not worth having in the first place. And look at it this way, at least NOW you will know who your friends are.
if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.
I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.
excellent call. again, an huge show of strength. kudos to you. My WH's OW WAS a long time friend of mine. She had previous affairs and when those didnt pan out, she went after my husband. Nice, huh??
protect yourself and your marriage always. hugs to you!
She said I went over the line and involved myself in someone else's marriage out of spite and because I was "assuming there was cheating".
That's a crock of shit. Those are defensive words...for whatever reason, and who is this person to determine your motivations? She should stop trying to determine your motivation and worry about her own....those defensive ones..she appears to have.
You did the right thing. The info you left is a bit like a gift. Now that it's been given, it's hers to do with as she will!
I will tell you, it was better to hear from a stranger than OW or my FWH. He was totally unremorseful at the time, and it took the power away from both of them.
Please, tell the BW.
happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"
I don't get this kind of thinking. Causing innocent people to suffer and not giving it a second thought??? How do some people live with themselves? I hope your friend does the right thing.
I had to report my friend's husband to child protective services because he was actively abusing my friend in front of the kids and had said some pretty scary things about the kids (like 'shut her up or I'll punch her about their brand new baby). It sucked. My friend felt betrayed and was very angry at me...but it was the only move to make. Being silent would have been worse.
Lost the friendship, kept my values. Worth it.