tantamount to telling him that you are a slut. This is what he will hear
...I feel angry, because frankier, I'm sensing that's what you hear. Let's let her BH speak for himself. Mind-reading pisses me off, as does using offensive language like "slut" near a WS who is here on SI, working and struggling to be a better person.
20WrongsVs1
I feel that I am not being able to convey to you what I mean. Please read my reply to your message where I say that
I don't know if Pizzalover is a slut and I didn't say she was one.
I did not call her any names and most definitely I am not hearing anything. I am just saying that that is what her husband might think if he is not helped to put things in perspective.
What Pizzalover is implicitly asking is help on how she can find her "whys" and convey them to her husband. That was my contribution, and I am sorry if offended you in any way and made you angry. It was not my intention.
If Pizzalover or any of the moderators believe I am out of bound, I'd accept if they deleted my posts.
P.S.: The PM reference was not directed at you. Sorry if it was not clear.
Frankier,
Deleting posts is against the Guidelines. If you haven't already, it may be a good idea to read through them
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/guidelines.asp
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
20wrongs:
Will any reason really ever satisfy BH? What if a therapist could hand you both *all the perfect answers* on a silver platter? Would BH's anger evaporate then?
Do you have any theories you're working on?
Are you proud of the progress you've made so far? Try to stay positive and avoid getting discouraged. You can only heal yourself; fixing the M takes two.
TsxT
The one thing I slowly came to realize as we started climbing out of our own black whole was that my WS was NOT deliberately trying to forget things. I know this because both our memories in general are not functioning at all well.....a sign of significant trauma. "I just don't know, or the I can't recalls" for a BS they are so hurtful. Instead try using something like " I am working so hard in IC to figure out these things and when I know them in more detail I will share them with you or maybe there is nothing more I would like to do right now but answer all of your questions, i know how important the answers would be to help your healing"
What finally helped H and I get over the hump of deceit was time, consistency and an awful lot of deep hard conversations. If you have not already read the book by Janice Abrahms Spring called "After the Affair, how to stop the pain and rebuild the trust when one partner has been unfaithful" go and buy it and read it. Give it to him and suggest working through the book together. Just the title alone will make him feel you are serious about working on this and getting through this WITH him. He can't read your mind and right now he feels he doesn't even know the person you really are. Help him to see that you do care about him and WANT to work through this.
FRM
He is asking you why your moral compass is/was so out of bounds. The real answer is because you reasoned that what you wanted immorally, outweighed the right thing to do. Once you gave in you were too scared to stop. Fear of the fallout and also fear of losing the guilty pleasure of being selfish.
I think you keep running from really confronting yourself because of what you may find out.
JD
And tell your BH "What I DO know is I am doing everything I can to change and BECOME the safe person you, I, and our marriage deserve." Then add "And when, during my process of healing, change, growth, and self-discovery I find an answer to one of my 'I don't know's' I'll reach out and let you know so we can discuss". And then walk that talk.
Me - WW 38 Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
Met - 8/13/99 Started dating - 9/11/99 Moved in together - 3/03 Engaged - 6/5/09 Married - 8/21/10 DD - 1/24/13 (affair began in May 2009)
Who WAS I?? It was/is soooo surreal. I can't imagine my husband hearing me say that, b/c it sounds like a cop out, even to me, but it's like I was possessed. I'm not excusing it, just relating to what you said....
