This girl's username was suggestive, so she warned him not to be alarmed when she added him on Snapchat. I immediately saw a red flag, because I don't know what type of girl would have a username like that. "penis-up-ass"
I didn't say anything about it because I wanted to trust him to handle it correctly, plus maybe she wasn't all that bad? It was too soon to tell.
Anyway, later that week we were having dinner and I noticed he was on Snapchat so I glanced over and saw a few received pictures from her. Immediately I got a really weird feeling in my gut, I didn't feel it was appropriate for my WS of 4 years to be sending/receiving ephemeral pictures to another girl, so I expressed my concern and he was very open with me about it. He told me that he is just getting used to the App and that she and I are his only friends that actively use the app, he had 'no one else to snapchat." So, for the next few days he would show me the pictures she was sending, without me having to ask. I told him "hey, I really appreciate that you've been so patient with me about this Snapchat thing, I feel better about it and its ok if you want to talk to her because I can see that nothing is questionable." (She was sending pics of like a band poster, her camping supplies, one of herself in her work outfit (which I didn't like)). But later that day, he sent me a snap and I asked him who else he sent it to and he lied to me about it. "Just you", but later I accidentally glanced at his snapchat while he was using it and saw that her name was next to mine in the 'outgoing pics' at the same time. So from that point on, I didn't trust anything. And things got much worse.
Over the next month, I would cry to him about how I felt it was inappropriate and I tried to put him in my shoes "how would you feel if I was sending pictures to a guy who's username was 'eatpussy"? I mean, this girl was sending him at least 30 pictures a day. He saw how much it was hurting me and he would reassure me, very sweetly and calmly that everything was ok and that he loves me and I have nothing to worry about, then telling me that he felt that I was trying to control his choice of friends and that he didn't want to delete her because he didn't want to be mean. (which I then told him, why would you want to hurt me? can't you see i'm not eating? i'm crying every other day? I'm anxious all the time? we are fighting too much? why are you protecting her, and not us?) Around mid August, I decided to do some snooping, and I found out that she has a Tumblr website, featuring naked porn shots of herself. I almost threw up, I started to shake, I couldn't think straight and I felt so close to passing out. If she sells herself for free on the internet, what kind of pictures is she sending directly to my boyfriend's phone???? I immediately called him, I directed him to delete snapchat and that I wouldn't see him again until he did. So he deleted it, and we had dinner. We argued throughout the whole thing which made me feel really bad, and I'm sure it made him feel bad too. He kept saying things to me like "please, can't we just have a nice date? i love you" but I wanted to know why it took him 2.5 weeks to delete the app after he saw how much it was hurting me. He told me that he enjoyed her attention and that it boosted his ego. He admitted it wasn't right, but thats why he did it.
So, a week went by and we were trying to rebuild. I noticed that his Snapchat score was still going up, so I asked him about it. He lied and told me that he still had it deleted. At the end of that week, he offered to cook dinner for me. So he came over, made me a beautiful romantic dinner, it was our '50 month' date. I noticed though that he was hiding his phone all night from me. Like, actively making sure that there was NO WAY I would see his phone. And I wondered "is he snapping? or is he planning a surprise for me?? I don't want to ruin a surprise so I better leave it alone" but at night when we were getting in bed, I tried to hold at his phone and he freaked out, and shoved it deep into his pocket. Long story short, over the next 24 hours I argued with him and finally coerced him to tell me the truth. He finally let me see his phone, when I tried to unlock it I discovered he changed his password, specifically to keep me out. He told me that she was encroaching on our relationship and that he didn't want me to see how many snaps he got from her, or open one that said something that would worry me, such as "you're so adorable" "are you single?" "hey " "i like you" (she said all of these things to him, who knows what else) . He said he was protecting me, but all I could feel was intense pain in my heart, my stomach, and my body. How could he let a girl come between us? Maybe he didn't like her, but couldn't he see how she was breaking our trust that we've built? I felt like he gave her a key and a cloak of invisibility into our sacred temple of trust and let her wreak havoc all over it. I felt like collapsing. I took him home immediately, crying . I didn't know what to do. My world was falling apart. The next morning I woke up to a message from him telling me he wanted to get lunch, so I agreed. We made up kind of. He told me the password to his phone and that he loves me and that he hasn't sent her anything or flirted with her, he just was curious about how someone else could like him and didn't want to be mean. makes no sense but thats how he feels. I could tell he was genuinely trying to be open and honest with me but the fact of the matter is, I don't need a man that needs attention from another girl, whether he's open about it with me or not.
So, another week went by. Saturday came around again (this was the very end of August) and I noticed that he was on Snapchat, in my house. I checked his score, and it hadn't increased so I wondered if he made a new username so that I wouldn't be able to keep tabs. I asked him about it and he completely denied it, telling me he deleted the app and wouldn't make a new username. I asked him to prove it to me, because at this point I felt afraid to trust him. He refused to prove it to me, and told me that I needed to just trust him. So, I dropped it only because I was tired of fighting and knew that the truth would come out eventually. Sunday morning, I don't know what got into me but I had to know the truth. I grabbed his phone while he was sleeping at 7am, logged into his Snapchat (got lucky with the password the first time), and reviewed the other woman's 'best friend' list and low and behold, he was on it, twice. He had made a new username behind my back, specifically to talk to her. I immediately woke him up, showed him my findings and took him home.
He sent me this LONG email about how he feels, telling me that he doesn't know what he wants in life, he doesn't like her he just wanted the attention and feels like he isn't right in the mind for letting this happen, that he loves me and wants to be with me but feels afraid of how much he loves me, like he's excited for the future but also afraid because we have been together since we were 20 and he had no way of 'testing' if our relationship was meant to be.
We didn't see eachother for a few days because we knew the breakup was coming and we needed to sit on our feelings before meeting up to discuss. I told him that he broke my trust into a thousand pieces, over and over again and that I could no longer be with him. He was really really sad, I'd never seen him this sad before. He told me that he wants me to pursue my dreams, that he feels like he is holding me back, and that he wants to revisit this in a while after he figures out how to be happy in life and I work on my career and ambitions.
It was really heartbreaking :(
SO, he's been talking to me ever since as if I'm still with him, calling me "hun, babe, love, beautiful" which is really really nice, i love that he still shows that he wants me, but at the same time I am SO CONFUSED. I don't know whats what anymore. I have lost all trust in him and I can't figure out if I should hold on or move on. We don't talk that much, but when we do its always "hey baby i miss you" or something, from him. and I usually reciprocate because... part of me feels that way, I still love him of course and I never wanted us to fall apart, I never lied, or betrayed his trust. i gave him everything, I wanted our future and I worked hard for it.
But, even after losing me, he IS STILL TALKING TO HER ON SNAPCHAT!!!
he says, "oh, its died down a lot." or "i'll delete the app" but he keeps getting back on it, to this day. And I really don't know what to do about it. Its such a slap in the face to me that he talks to her and to me, I feel like he is cake eating. And I don't know what to do. I haven't had enough will power to completely 180 him, but I wonder if that will help me feel less confused, and maybe help him finally come to his senses?
Another thing, now that we are broken up (he still is in a relationship with me on FB bc he doesnt want to take it down bc "he likes it there") I try to avoid liking or commenting on his facebook activity, because I don't want to give mixed signals. But she likes everything and its NOT FAIR that she gets to give him attention on facebook, I feel like I'm playing tug of war with this girl. and I have to refrain from sending her a message spewing all of my thoughts and confronting her about being a home wrecker.
[This message edited by elliephant at 2:36 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
I feel that what he had was an emotional affair, even though it wasn't extreme. He denies it though, he says "its just snapchat!! i didn't cheat on you!"
You know what you need to do. NC. Absolute NC all the way. Don't contact him, don't let him contact you. NC (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
he had no way of 'testing' if our relationship was meant to be.
It's been tested and you disagree on what is important.
You want someone to make the relationship a priority over snapchat and he wants a relationship with a side piece that makes him feel good.
I feel like I'm playing tug of war with this girl.
If you have a partner with boundaries, you don't compete with friends or apps. He is choosing this behavior. She is in no way innocent but it is his job maintain walls around the relationship.
He wants you and attention from someone else. You do not deserve that kind of disrespect. He wants you back, yet continues to act in an inappropriate manner. His words don't mean much. Watch what he is doing....
He finally blocked her from FB and sent her a letter of no contact.
I haven't done NC with him yet.. we're still trying to figure things out.
I keep wanting to ask him the same questions over and over. (Why did you lie? Why did you make those choices? If she means nothing to you, and you want to share your life with me, why would you even do this???) I feel bad though... I don't want to keep badgering him with the same questions, while I want him to feel the guilt, I don't know if its healthy that I keep talking in circles about it with him.
He has little or no respect for you or your relationship. He has no boundaries. Where he should be protecting the spot next to his heart where you thought you were, he is allowing somebody else in. This is a big red flag. I don't see him changing. You spelled out numerous times where he said he would delete her or not Snapchat with her and he time and time again has gone against his word.
Do you really want to continue a relationship where you constantly have to wonder what he's up to? 4 years is a long time to be together with someone. He is not ready to settle down if he is acting this way. I would call it quits and stick with it. It won't be easy. Come to us for help and advice. SI is the best club nobody ever wanted to join.
Hugs your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
(You really need to stop doing that. Not everyone deserves it).
Where do I start? Oh. yeah. How about here: A chick who throws herself around the internet naked, and has a user name, of "PenisInMyAss", (or anything else remotely like it!), is not someone your man should be "friending", or associating himself with, in any way shape or form.
This guy is already a liar and a cheat. You have no ties to him! FTG!
You have been treated to a tiny taste, of what your future potentially, looks like. Add marriage, kids, bills, and years to this picture. I mean it! really. Visualize, yourself dealing with this at 50 yrs old...
How do you like him now?
Your life is precious. Don't waste it on people who would toy with it!
[This message edited by Safeguard at 6:17 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
It's his unwavering desire to continually LIE to you, disrespect you, and completely diminish you all for what he claims are ego strokes.
Then you get this big long dissertation about how he's never had a chance to get out and spread his wings and you've been together since you were 20 and how can he be sure you're the 'one' and blah blah blah.
My biggest piece of advice is when a man is telling you something that you don't want to hear, you'd better LISTEN to him.
It sounds as though he wants to get out and get some more life experience - it's pretty clear he's feeling 'deprived' because his only adult relationship has been with you.
This situation is a clear window into your future. If he feels 'deprived' now because he's "unsure" if you're the one, it's only going to get worse in the future as time goes by and he feels more and more like he's missed out on something.
The first thing I would do is block him and cut that 'relationship' tie with him on Facebook. Tell him to take a few months to decide what the hell he wants and when he figures it out, he's welcome to contact you. If you're still free at that time and he'd like to continue on, then you'll discuss that at that time.
But I think you're just setting yourself up for a whole lot MORE of this behavior, Ellie. When a young guy feels like he's missing out on things, he'll eventually be driven to act just the way he did with this nasty girl on SnapChat.
Yes, he says he loves you, acts all sad and contrite, and then goes right back to having his ego fed and dissing you. This is your future if you take him back. Why do I say that.... Well.... He hasn't done anything to reassure you, done nothing to change his behaviors other than change passwords, getting other userids to continue doing WHAT HE WANTS TO DO. You can't make him change, and he won't change just get more careful about hiding his shit.
You are young. You don't need these precious years ruined by an immature boy who hasn't sense enough to see what a great woman you are. Cut him loose completely. If he grows up and can demonstrate he has boundaries, has a concept of what love and loyalty is then you can reconsider giving him another (what upmteen #) chance.
[This message edited by momentintime at 2:52 PM, September 13th (Friday)]