DDay was just over 2 years ago but I'm fairly new to SI and don't have access to Investigative Tips forum yet. I'm certain he is not cheating again. There is no evidence of emails, texts or a secret phone, etc. Things having been going well between us. H doesn't talk about his feelings as much as I'd like. Nor does H start conversations about how I'm feeling about triggers, my struggles during R. H seems to prefer to avoid / ignore any A related stuff. However, he's saying & doing almost all the right other things. Yes, almost.
That brings me to why I bought the key logger. I caught him looking at nude photos of a celeb online. He came clean right in the moment. It was not porn, mind you. But, he's done the porn thing before which I've never like and now view it as putting him on slippery slope and disrespectful to me. He apologized, said he was sorry & he loved me. Anyways, a few days before I'd caught him I also noted that he'd cleared his internet history during middle of the day. So hairs on the back of my neck are starting to stand up. Is he back into to the porn craziness? and lying about his online activity. I got the key logger to double check... Am I being too paranoid? Is all this cat & mouse stuff getting inside my head too much? Am I making more out of this than it really is?
I'm almost 6 years out from DDay. H got a new phone in Feb this year. I found some random pics of 2 women, they looked like profile pics that you would post on LinkedIn or something like that. He claims he didn't know where they came from, etc. He said "just check the logger, can't you tell where it came from?". Ummm, I don't have a logger on his new phone (in fact, never have had one on his phone). But that's the attitude that my truly remorseful H who GETS IT. He expects me to check up on him, and is surprised when I'm not. He lives his life acting as though I AM logging every one of his actions, and he should live just like that whether I am logging him or not.
So, put the logger on and get the truth. If the WS is truly remorseful and understands the damage they have done, then they won't be upset at all if they found out their trustworthiness was being verified. ;-)
What the keylogger did... gave me proof he was trying to take the EA underground, I discovered his secret email account.
Unfortunately, this past week something went wrong and he discovered and removed the keylogger.
I'd discovered a couple of text messages that led me to the discovery of the affair originally.
After a few weeks of gas-lighting and downplaying her affair, refusing to admit anything other than a "friendship", I downloaded the tracking software on a Monday evening after work. That night I noticed she was on the PC before dinner and afterwards. She offered up that she was looking up a recipe and shopping for a blouse. I was happy she'd thought tell me what she was up to since I couldn't see the screen from the couch.
That night I thought about the keylogger software and felt stupid, guilty even. I also thought that first thing the next morning at work I would log into the website to look at the webtraffic and key strokes the night before.
Next morning I checked the website from work, and BOOM there it was. Two emails to her married OM... She cheerfully described the fish dinner she'd cooked and how good it was, even described the family walk we'd gone on that evening. All this prefaced and signed off with "I love you's" and "baby I miss you's".
So, yeah, install the software and find out the truth. These people are professional liars, compulsive even, and they can and will fool you.
I think that since you have the key-logger you should go ahead and install it. This will let you know what he is doing on his lap top. Of course it will not tell you what he is doing on other computers like his work computer. It wont tell you what he is doing on his cell phone or tablet if he has one of those too.
Install it though. Mostly because it could make you feel better.
The question it seems to me is WHEN should a BS start trusting their WS again?
Remember we all once did trust our WS absolutely. That didnt work out well now did it? Should we trust them at that level again?
Some may argue that we should because its hard to have an intimate relationship with someone you dont trust. Personally I dont agree with this POV. I think its foolish to trust someone that destroyed our life the way our WS did. Whats the saying about *fool me twice*?
If we stay with our WS then its a good thing to wish for and even maybe hope for that we can trust them. But I believe its best to have a plan B should that turn out not so well again.
Trust is important in every relationship I believe. BUT the trust I have is not for my WW. She has proven beyond all doubt that she is not worthy of my trust and there is NO earning that back.
The trust I have is in me. I know that if WW has another LTA I will eventually find out. I am slow at figuring stuff like this out but sooner or later it does come to me. And if that does happen again I trust that I will have the strength and wisdom to deal with it properly.
Install your key logger. But dont trust it. During WWs LTA she discovered that I was sneaking looks at her email. What she did was put things in there that she wanted me to read. And she opened another email account on another computer.
Trust in yourself.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
If my WH was a computer user, I would for sure have a keylogger! Heck if I had access to his phone, I would have some kind of spy something or another.
good luck making the decision that is right for you!
If he knows you are checking up on him and will be, I don't see why he would be so upset about you using a keylogger. Would you be upset about him using one? I'm guessing no, because I'm guessing you aren't hiding anything from him.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."