Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: spaceplease (45329)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Second D-Day
Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this is actually a matter of TT. It turns out there was a prior AP (her former boss) that I wasn't aware of until today. I dug into her archived work email (sent items) and exchanges with him all but confirm an A back in 2006 (between our first and second child).

Thankfully, he no longer works there (he was actually fired for having another affair and for sending inappropriate emails).

While I feel that we're on a slow and painful bumpy recovery (multiple NC breaks but really with checking her work email she hasn't been in touch with her LTAP since November 2012). That was a last straw for me. An ultimatum where I went semi nuclear and was seriously ready to end it all and to my knowledge she hasn't been in contact since.

See the thing is when I found out about her most recent AP back a in April 2012 I confronted her the same day. She lied about who when and how long and I ID'd him a few weeks later.

In all of our post discovery discussions I've done all of the snooping and confronted WW with indisputable proof which she admitted to once backed into a corner with no way out.

Since the AP of 2006 is so far in the past and WW is essentially on a path that for all appearances demonstrates that she is at least a dry adulterer with potential for improvement, maybe at best a reformed one, I'm a little more focused on whether or not she has or will ever have the capacity come clean and clear up all the lies of omission.

I would be absolutely huge for me (and obviously for her too) if she could disclose her truths instead of me having to confront her again. Not that I'm afraid of of doing that. It's just that it feels so empty and there's absolutely nothing gained in terms of trust building when she's put into a 'nowhere to run' position. What I imagine as her taking steps to be honest and transparent about her past with me would be much much better for she and I in the long run.

So I have access to her work email that she doesn't know about and with so much up in the air I'd like to keep it that way.

Here's an example of how it goes... Ultimatum, give me a timeline or I'm filing for D. She writes one almost immediately (thank you keylogger) but never gives it to me. I tell her that by accident I 'find it' and ask her why she never gave it to me. She says she thought she did.

So she's not brave enough to Lady up and come forward with anything that will bring additional humiliation or shame to the equation of our marriage.

Is it because she's afraid it would be the final nail in the coffin or because she thinks I'm just not entitled to hear the truth?

While timeline that expressed remorse guilt and shame but as I'm finding out it's only relative to what I've confronted her with. There’s a whole alternate reality that she's kept from me and I feel there’s no hope in her fixing her shit unless she's willing to deal with the whole enchilada.

I'm actually feeling that I can get past all this provided she able to fix herself. But with that being said, I am beginning to conclude that if she can't come clean and she may never be able to, that there is no hope for a future.

Does anyone have suggestions on how she'll 'get it'? How I can keep my mouth shut and hold down the information I have?

It's like she needs a drill sergeant/ mentor that could give her the good ass kicking she deserves and the guidance she needs.

Who the fuck is my wife and what do I really mean to her?


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am so sorry.

I have no real advice. Liars hide things. She probably has much to hide.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a very similar situation. My 2nd d-day was TT about an A that was relatively old (a few years) by the time I discovered it.

Just to be clear - she hasn't owned up to the 2006 A? Or she has?

Even the timeline thing is soooo simliar. My WH wrote one up and read it to me over the phone (I was traveling for work). But when I got home? Poof! It disappeared. Really? How convenient. I assume he and your WW had the intention of doing it to placate us, to get SOME stuff out there...but then thought better of it when they realized a documentation of lies (which is what my WH's timeline was) might get them in trouble.

I've done all of the snooping and confronted WW with indisputable proof which she admitted to once backed into a corner with no way out.

Again, similar. Some things he would be forthcoming with, but any of the big things - including the "old" A - he was literally backed into a corner.

But that all changed when I put the D in process after d-day 2. All of the sudden, the truth was pouring out - even things that had nothing to do with the As.

THIS was when remorse happened.

And it wasn't just a tactic on my part. I was really ready to D. I still am. I plan to ALWAYS be ready to D in the sense that I know who I am and what I will tolerate and what a beautiful life I will have independent of anyone.

Is it because she's afraid it would be the final nail in the coffin or because she thinks I'm just not entitled to hear the truth?

Unless she's seriously messed in the head, it is probably self-protection. I know my WH assumed that since I considered D (to a small degree) after D-Day 1, then the information that led to D-Day 2 would certainly end our M. And he didn't want to suffer the consequences of his actions. So, he just kept on hiding.

Bubbleup, your road to recovery is certainly bumpy. I might even say it isn't really recovery. I am in the minority that I do believe some small/baby steps can be made while TT is going on (in your case, the fact that she's been NC - that IS something), I don't think real, active recovery happens until the truth is out there. Real recovery doesn't happen until she's willing to tell the truth even if it means losing you. Real recovery doesn't happen until you get yourself so squared away that you could live with or without her. Because once you're to that point, you can decide - with a clear head - what the continuation of lies and multiple As truly means to you. That kind of clarity is critical to recovery and you don't have it. Right now, she is so mind-fucking you. Stop letting her. Detach, self-care, love yourself, stop giving her so much mindspace.

If she hasn't confessed to the 2006 A, I would just tell her: "I know about it." And leave it at that. Don't push her, don't ask questions. This way, you aren't putting her into a corner. You're just stating a fact and she can decide how much she wants to respond and in what way. 180 her after that. Let HER decide if she's willing to risk it all to give you the truth.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:07 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RockyMtn

She hasn't told me about the 2006 A.

In fact the story she gave me about her A that ended in 2012 was that in began in early 2011 about a month before she got her first iPhone.

Now on her work email I found a 'happy anniversary' email from recent ap to her with a photo of a bar dated 3/17/2011. That would indicate that it commencence a whole year earlier than she had ever indicated.

She's not completely messed up so I agree its probably self protection however there's a whole new component to this now. I know the 2006 AP. He and his wife are mad hatters back together after a separation. WW had never really been physically attracted to him however he was in a powerful position. She is driven toward men she admires and its becoming evident that I don't think she can distinguish the lines between the respect she might have for me as a father and those who impress her and give he attention just to get into her pants. There is definately a much deeper 'why' for her to answer to.

[This message edited by Bubbleup at 10:03 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the AP of 2006 is so far in the past and WW is essentially on a path that for all appearances demonstrates that she is at least a dry adulterer with potential for improvement, maybe at best a reformed one, I'm a little more focused on whether or not she has or will ever have the capacity come clean and clear up all the lies of omission.

A whole other affair is a little more than a lie of omission. What makes you think that she has the potential to improve? What has she done---on her own---to show that she is serious about becoming a safe partner for you to reinvest in?

RockyMtn's path is one that I often preach. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to possibly salvage it. Until your WW sees the most serious of possible consequences(divorce), she does not appear willing to open up. And again, as RockyMtn stated, the reality of divorce was not a tactic, but an absolute certainty if things didn't change.

You know the phrase "if you're not with me, than you are against me"----it can't ring truer than in cases like this.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 12:17 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice but it seems like maybe she's scared that divulging the 2006 A will be the end for you. She's prob going to roll the dice and gamble on you never finding out.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take in all of this is that your in a false R. Her continued lying and hiding important facts just cement that thought. Bottom line is this. You cant start R until you have remorse. And you cant have remorse without 100% honesty. She is going through the motions with you. And as sure as I'm writing this, as long as she keeps hiding things and lying to you another A is destined to happen. Another thing is that it appears you are doing all the heavy lifting here. She on the other hand just gives you lip service and expects you to carry the load. Dude, I was M to a woman like your WW. My XWW could never tell the truth. Everything that I found out about her A was due to my own digging. She would lie right to my face, swear on our children that what I knew was everything, downplay it all until I hard had evidence, fight tooth and nail that it never happened, then when cornered admit it but blame it all on me. Do yourself a favor and bail out now. The more you dig the more you will find. The more you find the more you will be hurt. Its time for her to experience some consequence to her actions. She is playing you for a fool.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@stronger08...u just described by ws, right down to swearing on our kids while lying. Takes a special kind of sick that can do that.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bubbleup, how are you doing? I know what you discovered about 2006 was pretty massive, probably devastating. Have you talked to WW yet? Hope you're holding up OK.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Bubbleup
♂ Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bubbleup, how are you doing? I know what you discovered about 2006 was pretty massive, probably devastating. Have you talked to WW yet? Hope you're holding up OK.

Awesome. Confronted her last night with threat of filing and she voluntarily admitted to it. Did not happen exactly as I planned (since I played over in my head so many times in anticipation of confronting her).

I've been through the reluctant trickle truthing enough over the last year and half to know that our level of communication was so much more honest and open this time around. She shared so much that I didn't know about.

Of course she has a lot of work to do on herself understanding the why for her but I think she's more open to exploring that than previously.

We both know that we're by no means done discussing stuff. Still a long road ahead but we're both feeling better about the journey.

To all Waywards reading: THE TRUTH HURTS BUT LESS SO WHEN IT'S REALLY THE TRUTH.

edit to add that she even thanked me for getting the 2006 D-Day off her conscience

[This message edited by Bubbleup at 11:30 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.