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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BH lied about IC.
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in IC for approximately four months and my BH and I have gone to MC once but are going to do more sessions.

I believed that my BH has also been in IC, as he has told me about his therapist and a few of their sessions. However, my BH confessed to me last night that he has been lying about going to therapy and the only time he has ever gone is when we went together.

He made up the name of his therapist and everything they discussed in their sessions together...he has lied about this not only to me but also his parents and some friends.

I am still processing this info and don't know what I think about it yet. I am angry he lied to me, but also feel like I am the last person who should lecture him about lying. I also think he is hypocritical because he has told me that I need to stop lying and to finally the tell the truth. And he has been lying about this for a few months.

Just curious to hear what others thought!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an awfully elaborate and sustained lie. Is he able to explain why he did it? What has he been doing during the time he was supposedly at IC?



You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26072 | Registered: Aug 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he lie a lot?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6113 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my.. the plot thickens..

Makes me wonder if he was also lying about that other woman from work???


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he was lying about the other woman at work. I do believe they were just friends.

He usually doesnt lie about things so this is very unlike him.

He had told me he was going to therapy after work. His reason for lying about it was to get me off of his back because I kept asking him to go and to talk to someone.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had told me he was going to therapy after work. His reason for lying about it was to get me off of his back because I kept asking him to go and to talk to someone.

Ok, so couple of things. Why were you repeatedly asking him to go talk to someone? Why would you, the person that caused the damage, be in any way driving his healing from that? Not your wheelhouse.

Does he avoid things that upset you? If so, not a good sign. He needs to get a handle on this if he wants the relationship to have a chance. You need to make sure you are a safe person for him to tell you things as well.

I know conflict avoidant is used quite a bit but if every bit of info that isn't to "your" liking generates a tsunami of drama I don't call not standing in the way CA. There are two sides to that little equation. Both parties need to learn healthy skills. Tell it regardless...receive it respectfully.

That said, set your boundary. No lying. From either of you. You've had a run at that yourself here recently. Really shitty way to conduct a relationship, being on either side of a lie, right?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uncertain one,

I don't think that asking him to go to IC is a bad thing. I recognized that he also needed to talk to someone to work through everything that has happened, and even though I caused the problem I was still concerned for him and his well being. It wasn't trying to pressure him. It was encouraging him to get help.

I don't know how to quote things...but can you please explain your paragraph about conflict avoiding? If I read it correctly, you are telling me not to be dramatic about his lie? I could be off on this but that's how I interpreted it and don't want to respond if that isn't what you meant.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a hypocrite?! Pot, meet kettle (and I include myself in that statement). Seriously, girl, it takes one to know one. You were in IC for four months, and fat lot of good it did you.

I recognized that he also needed to talk to someone to work through everything that has happened

Gently, Alyssa, you don't get to decide what BH needs. That's for him alone to determine. I haven't been to church in awhile, but I'll ask Jesus to be my spokesperson on this one:

"How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."
(Matthew 7:4-5)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that asking him to go to IC is a bad thing. I recognized that he also needed to talk to someone to work through everything that has happened, and even though I caused the problem I was still concerned for him and his well being. It wasn't trying to pressure him. It was encouraging him to get help

How is this even possible when the whole time you were asking him to do this you were still lying and in the affair? The best thing for you to do is be concerned about your side of the fence and let him tend to his.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he shouldn't have lied to you just like you shouldn't have been lying to him (or cheating, obviously).

I think it's time for the two of you to work together to create a whole new dynamic in the M. One of truth, one as a team, one of honesty, growth and productivity. Let this new dynamic grow together. Let go of who did what to whom, who is right, who is wrong.

Reconciliation is a gift. It takes effort and authenticity on both sides. Stop keeping score. Time to get real. Both of you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38611 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why I like this site and appreciate getting input from other BS...it helps give me another perspective that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.

My initial reaction was I was angry he lied about it, but I also recognized I couldn't say much because like you all mentioned, I have been lying nonstop for the last 10 months.

Each time I read these comments I am glad to get the other perspective but at the same time it's discouraging cuz I think I have made progress and am doing well and then find out that's not the case.

I do appreciate all your thoughts though and thank you all for your perspectives.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you can be angry that he lied. No one takes away your prerogative to be hurt by someone else's actions.

However, nothing is clear-cut, eh?

Why were you encouraging him so hard to go to IC while you were in your affair? That is another form of gaslighting - darling, I am concerned about your mental health, please see a professional - a way of diverting attention from your behaviors.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6113 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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