Where I might have a different perspective from other posters is that I didn't file for D or make any big moves immediately. As much as I thought about taking those steps, I knew that I could play that card at any point. And I was feeling so emotionally up and down that I couldn't trust my own feelings - one day wanting to stick with the 180 and see if he'd come around, the next day wanting to end the marriage. It was hard to know what I was really feeling, so I chose to not make any big decisions right way. The point is that you're in control, so don't forget that and let that empower you to make whatever decisions are right for you (or hold off on big decisions if that's your choice).
In my case, fWH came around and after two months of sort of ending things / sort of not with the MOW, he chose to cut her off completely. So far, so good... Wishing you all the best. Lots of hugs!
Being vengeful, throwing her stuff in the street, that doesn't serve any purpose for me, and only makes the process of R or the process of a final separation(divorce) even more unlikely.
Take your time. Take care of yourself. Let us help you.
You'll get through this.
Will listen, but agree to nothing. I want to see contrition, some sense of remorse, and the vow to cut off contact with OM. Even then, I don't know if I want R. I would have to think about it. Long and hard.
If she shows remorse, tells you that she' made a huge mistake, and wants to come back home, then you tell her that you need complete transparency, a NC letter that you will jointly write and send, and her to attend counseling to get to the bottom of why infidelity was seen as an acceptable option for her.
If she says that she's sorry, wants to come back home, but can't or won't write that NC letter (or follow any of the above), then you tell her that that isn't good enough for you and that you should stay separated for a month to think about things.
If she tells you that she has no intention of coming back or of not seeing the OM, then you tell her that its time to separate your finances, and set up a date to go over that. Then get to the bank immediately, cancel all joint credit cards, open an account with your name on it only, and transfer 1/2 of the money in the joint account into your account. Then stop your direct deposit and only deposit "your" money into your account. And then see a lawyer before the finance talk to find out what your legal obligations and rights are.
If she shows up with the OM and tells you to f-off, you leave, see your lawyer, do the above, change the locks on your house, and file for divorce to start the clock ticking.
You get the idea. Because you want to walk into this meeting looking and feeling strong (no matter how much you may have to fake it), and having thought through a variety of options and consequences. Stuff that you can live with. Weakness is not attractive and this is not a time to be weak. You don't have to be mean, cruel, or unkind, but you DO have to look out for YOUR interests. Because the person that is wearing your WW's skin is not your wife it's a pod-person with little to no concern about you right now. That's just the nature of the beast at this point. Strategic thinking.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It gives her the courage to cake eat; to continue the affair while she has the security of the marriage as a fall back option. She can take her time bargaining with you for a possible reconciliation, while enjoying the OM's romance and attention.
Here's some advice; when you meet for coffee present her with divorce documents. Tell her you're moving on with your life; sad that the marriage is ending but looking forward to a brighter future. It take away your WW's option to cake eat at her leisure and forces her to make decisions.
You emerge looking like a confident, strong, decisive guy who won't take any more of this adultery garbage. As others have said its a bargaining ploy; you can always withdraw the motion at a later date if you see true remorse.
I was kept in the dark for a year and a half (A YEAR AND A HALF), knowing something was wrong, not knowing that 3 other people (the 2 cheaters and the BH) were making choices FOR me behind my back.
Kindness? Nope. Cowardice. Deceit.
Just going to sit back and listen and not say much. Paraphrasing the 180, listen to what she's REALLY saying, not the word salad coming out of her mouth.
Make sure you meet with her in a public place and if possible take a recorder to protect yourself from her making allegations of abuse on your part.
Divorce is war and things get really nasty when the WS realizes their new life isn't going to be so cushy.
And she wants 2 meet you for coffee?
You said you want 2 work with a mediator and keep things amicable. Remember that part about her leaving you 2 have an affair with the philandering jackass? You can't be amicable while this is going on. The OM will be advising her and she will be listening 2 that advice because she wants 2.
IF you insist on working with a mediator, make an appointment for the time she wants 2 meet for coffee and let her "talk" there.
But there are 2 better strategies:
Number A: Meet with a lawyer and draft up a legal separation agreement for her 2 sign over coffee. Before coffee, close all joint accounts and protect yourself financially.
Letter 2: Don't meet for coffee. Tell her you have no desire 2 talk 2 her again until she's ended her affair and is willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 convince you that she's remorseful and wants 2 fix the mess she's created. Then, make her live on her own for a month 2 prove she's sincere.
I would bet your wife is looking for emotion; anger, pain, even tears as you passionately demand answers to this betrayal. This, in her way of thinking, shows her you care; because you are obviously deeply hurt and therefore must love her.
If however you are cold, hostile or otherwise unemotional and withdrawn, then she might deduce that you probably don't care for her or the marriage and she did the correct thing in leaving. The coffee meeting will therefore reassure her of that.
The above is worth considering as you formulate your approach to the upcoming discussion. I suppose its part of trying to guess just what your wife's expectations are. Is she trying to to find out if there is anything left in the marriage [hence a hoped for emotional response]; or is she there to deliver the coup de grace?
Are you in quebec?