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User Topic: How long do I wait to see action?
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told WS that he needs to be the one to prove he's wants to be M and that I am not going to go around looking over my shoulder the rest of my life. It's up to him to prove he's been NC and to build trust.
I asked him a few days ago what he would do to prove these things to me.
He said total transparency, all email passwords, fb passwords, gps on phone, and an app that sends me all communication from his phone.
He has not yet provided any of these things.

I think we talked about this 4 or 5 days ago. My IC suggested we take a short break from each other and we've done that (just a few days) and then had dinner last night with our boys. Afterward I asked him if he was still NC, he said yes. And I asked him how he was going to prove that. He mentioned the phone software again and that he would look into it.
How long should I be waiting for these things? I am not going to keep asking.
I have already filed for D and the ball is in his court.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 3:02 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think 5 days is enough for him to at least give you some of these things. Passwords could have been given immediately-there is nothing "to look into" for them.

What has he been doing to show that he wants R? I think you need to look at the total package and if he's not doing the work SOMEWHERE for R then I don't think you should give any more time for these things. I think it just proves that he's not in R. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear but he does have to prove himself. *hugs*


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to give him an end date. With consequences. Be prepared to follow through. He is doing the minimum because he can. Until he gets his head out of his ass you have to treat him like a 3 year old.

I know it seems like they should be able to see the obvious things but they don't, it sucks.

((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long? That is really up to you and how much crap you feel like putting up with. To be fair, he should be made aware of time running out.

If its that important to him, he will make it happen and be proud to show that off to you. He should rejoice each time you check on him and find out he is telling the truth. If he is hesitant on any of this, he still isn't getting it. IMO


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.
I haven't given him a time frame because I am sick of doing so.
He knows the divorce can be final as soon as the end of this month. And he knows that clock is ticking.
Part of it may be that he is still deciding exactly what he wants...I don't know, really.
Part of it is his personality and his lack of motivation or prioritizing...which was a huge issue in our marriage and one I will not continue to tolerate.
The divorce continues to progress. The only way it will not progress is if I see constant motivation by him-not just words, actions. I've told him this.
He is in IC. He is handling the money (first time ever), he is supposedly keeping his house clean (also first time), and has, for the most part, told me where he is/will be/has been and with who.
He sent OW an NC letter and he said he was blocking her phone through a certain app (iphones with imessage are tricky).
He said her # is blocked but she contacted him by email to his phone-he showed me the messages, they were about a play our son had auditioned for where she is the choreographer. I love small towns.
He also said he would go through his Facebook with me and delete anyone I asked-his idea. This has not yet happened yet, but it's currently deactivated.

Other than that...the situation is fluid.
Any other suggestions or advice?

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 5:08 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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