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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Would you call him on it or does it matter??
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my STBXH and WH has told me he isn't seeing the OW now so he can focus on the kids. This is important as I will absolutely not allow this whore to be around my kids and he has agreed. He said he is seeing no one now.

I have said in order to work together on a parenting plan, I need to trust you and you have lied so much...blah blah blah

I saw a picture of his OW on FB, and it looks like him sitting next to her (half cut off face) and dated from Wednesday. I also think she helped him decorate his apartment.

Would you call him on it? I think it matters because if he is still lying, I am going to fight harder to keep the kids out of that place....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to very, very carefully decide what is to be gained if you follow your course of action. How will the court system view YOU if you make a stink about this? How will the judge view YOU if you try to enforce what isn't actually enforceable?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, but call him on what, exactly? That he has lied yet again and really is still seeing OW? What will that get you? Unless you have filed for fault with adultery listed, the court could care less if he is seeing someone else and there is really nothing you can do about it unless harm has come to your children because of it.

It sucks. It really does, but you can't control who he sees. And because he has proven to you he is a habitual liar, then just expect it from him anyway so you won't be disappointed or surprised when he doesn't live up to any agreements you make, but you will only be able to enforce what is in the decree and even that is sometimes difficult.

You won't be able to keep your children from his home if it is basically a safe environment and it might backfire on you (in the eyes of the court) if you try. Have you talked to an attorney for guidance with this?

I am sorry you are going thru this. Protecting our children is always a priority.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:29 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1183 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to tell you, but you have no control over this. I get it, I tried everything to keep OW from my kids. It's a hopeless battle. The courts don't care that your WH is a cheating, liar with a skanky OW. As long as they feel he is safe, he will be allowed visitation. You have no say in what goes on in his home.

Like other WS, your WH is selfish and doesn't care how this will affect his children. You just have to be the stable parent your kids know they can depend on.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 918 | Registered: Mar 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does not matter. In a way calling him on it gives him a button to push when he decides to be a fuckwit again.

Cheaters lie, liars cheat. You need to lower your expectations here.

You are/were absolutely entitled to make the request but now that you have further verification that he is a liar you need to let it go (unless OW is a danger to your children).

Please know I KNOW how hard this option is to take. Ever fibre of your being is screaming at you to keep OW away from your precious children. I absolutely understand. But this is not in your control long term - if she moves in with him or marries him there is no law that will keep her away from your children.

You could delay it but there will be a huge drama tax to pay. For you, for your kids.

Control what you can, surrender to what you can not.

It is very very important to reduce the number of buttons they have to push.

It is so ethically wrong for OW to be around our kids. Unfortunately the law does not allow for common decency.

((sleepless34)) You will have to work with him in regards to parenting your children whether or not you trust him. I don't trust the sad clown as far as I could throw his non-existent integrity but I have no choice but to work with him. Parallel parenting is as good as it gets for most of us.

ETA: don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M. That is my mantra and everyone should make it theirs.

I'm so sorry friend. I know how much it burns. I really do. We all do.

Another hug for you ((sleepless34)).

When the time comes for my SO to meet the girls I know it will burn the sad clown - but he doesn't have an OM to contend with so it will never burn him as much as OWUmpteen being around my girls burns me.

Fuck.That.Guy. - all of them.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:17 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXH and WH has told me he isn't seeing the OW now so he can focus on the kids.

I find that so sad, the kids should be the priority and not something to put on the back burner for OW when she is in the picture.

Sorry I don't have much to add, just that it sucks.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I won't bring it up. And I know in the long run I can not control his gross and discusting actions.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I've made noise like this I've been shocked at the response, even from my own lawyer, because he said it comes across as if I was standing in the way of our daughter and her relationship with her father. I couldn't believe that and I gag when I think of her spending time with Fatty B...yet I can't stop it once the divorce goes through. For all I know he's engaged to her already.

I feel your pain, sleepless, I have it too, but I think maybe your energy would be better spent on ways to handle the idea of them meeting Ow...when I changed my thoughts to that course, I was less pent up inside, though still full of hurt and anger.

The other posts ring true for our state about the judges and courts not giving a damn about OW/OM/SO with kids unless there is physical harm involved. It's a shame, in my way of thinking, that it is this way. It took me a few months to get a handle and calm down about it.

Perv/Happy Pants is a pathological liar and it's still happening, at this late date. Although that's a whopper of a lie, what I've been able to do is push the NC button even harder and it's helped tons. It helps me to have no expectations of him by either going without things he used to do or finding other ways to accomplish things I would need to hear from him about. Do you know what I mean?

There's a post here somewhere that says to lower expectations and that helps immensely. For him, lying just became a part of daily life and he's never let it go. I know that now and it's a tool I use to cope with these strange, new days.

Also, if I expect nothing from him, anything that happens is a bonus. It sure beats the disappointment of discovering more lies.

ETA that I think it does matter but is not something that you can control. How you reply matters and it would be a very high road indeed to not say much...esp. if you're not sure.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:59 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 8

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