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User Topic: Trouble in paradise. Help talk me thru this....
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your case, you want him to be in the same place you are in life so you can be happy together. Well, that isn't the case and that isn't going to happen. You have lived 20 more years of life than he has. He can't catch up with you to be in the same place or mindset. You will always surpass him.
And I appreciate your making time to comment also, and that probably is true of many people. But not all. Again, generalizations don't always hold true. Obviously, I have lived 20 more years than him. Not everyone ages the same either. There are some 40 year olds that are old and ready for the rocking chair, and there are some 70 year olds with so much life and energy you would think they were 40. He has experienced more in the past twenty years than most people do in a life time. He has had more happen to him than just his military service, and I wont' go into detail, but it has matured him in most ways to levels I don't even see with people my age.

There are some things I do have more life experience with, but there are some that he has also. I appreciate his insight into certain subjects.

Oh, I'm also impressed with the work he is doing in counseling. I go with him sometimes to help support him, and his counselor has told us that we have something really special and wants to help us figure things out. She thinks we are really good for each other and she appreciates how supportive I am of him.

I still don't know if this will work, it may or may not. And I will probably post again if I have more issues to puzzle through. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and insights.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:00 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I see is another dysfunctional situation here....definitely a mother/son unhealthy dynamic. He likes being told by you what he needs to do to be a grownup and you get a bit of satisfaction out of being in "control" and dictating what must occur for this to be a successful "relationship".
Oh, I forgot I did want to comment on this one. ICK!

We are definitely not a mother/son dynamic. Not everyone that has a larger than what is socially acceptable age gap is doing the mommy, son/daddy, daughter thing.

He doesn't like being told what to do. And I don't like telling him what to do, and I don't. What I do is let him know what my boundaries and standards are. Like you are supposed to in a healthy relationship. And he respects them or not, which is his choice. One reason this works is that the boundaries and standards I have match what he is willing to do because they don't go against anything that he values or disagrees with.

He also has some standards and boundaries, and I adhere to those. It goes both ways.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't like being told what to do

Then how does he feel about Granny telling him that he has to be *home* by <whatever> time each night?

I've read your posts and I've read the responses....but something about this situation just feels *off* to me.....and the sticking point for me, I think, is this *curfew* issue.

He is 30. He has served his country. Yes, she's an old lady from another generation...so I *get* (and respect) that she could possibly be against you *staying over* at her place.

I'm just having a real problem with the curfew thing. He should be able to, out of consideration for her, tell her that he will be with friends <or whatever> and will be back at <whenever>. He is 30, ffs.

I'm bothered by the fact that he seems to have a *whatever* attitude about it, I guess.....because it isn't a *whatever* type of situation. I would think that if he were unhappy with the *curfew* imposed by Gma that he would either be head-on addressing the issue with her (Gma, I'm a grown-ass man and as long as I pay you the rent and let you know if I won't be home so that you're not up all night worrying....I will live my life as I see fit) OR he knows that Gma is going to be totally relentless about this (unacceptable) curfew thing.....he should be signing himself up for 2, 3, or 4 jobs or <whatever> in an effort to get the hell out of her house (and I don't get the impression that he's doing that).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last SO was 48 and still letting his mommy run the show.

Pattern?

He may view you as the mother figure that *can* be pleased and where *he* can affect the outcome.

NA, you two may very well be the exception to the rule. But the rule is there because there are very few exceptions.

Personally, age is a number to me. It is about life experiences (college, children, etc.). You have very few of those experiences in common. It has nothing to do with energy or maturity--it is everything to do with what one has experienced in life.

A 30-something in deep debt and living with Grandma points to a not-so-fleeting issue.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just came out of a situation as this and guess what, what everyone is saying is 100% true in my experience. My ex let his mother run the show, which she did and even encouraged him to cheat. When you have a mommy/son relationship, there will be times that he will resent you for having so much control over his "life" and he will rebel, which includes cheating. Regardless of his age and military service, he isn't mature, at least not emotionally if he can not assert himself as a man to his authoritative matriarchs in his life. That will spill over to you because he does look at you as the mother figure that he bangs.
It is sick, I completely agree, but there are men out here whose mothers never let them grow up and be a man and they look for those traits in relationships.

NA, at the end of the day, you don't have to take our word for it, but you started this post recognizing that there is a problem. A WHOLE bunch of people responded with their red flags. Two strikes. Don't rationalize this. Don't explain away. Just listen. I am sure he is a wonderful guy and I know how tough dating is, but if you are thinking long term, which I believe you are.... he has major issues here that can not be fixed by you. He needs help to deal with his FOO issues. He has them. And just based off the limited info you gave them, I am sure his problems run deeper. Most men who have mommy/son relationships have major FOO like Prince Syndrome, emotional incest, NPD, etc... Which more often than not, leads to cheating.

I guess you really need to think about what you want from this relationship. If you want long term, does he? What is his plan to achieve that with you? Does he want kids? What if he changes his mind in 5 years to wanting kids (assuming he doesn't want them now)? While the age gap is much, it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things if you both are in the same place in life. You both aren't. He just got out the military and is now in college full time. He is essentially starting his life and figuring out who he is, as well as still becoming a man. He isn't there yet for you in my honest opinion. And I believe you need to see through the infatuation fog. You are in a fog right now which is why you are being defensive and rationalizing.

We are trying to help you. We don't want you hurt again because this boy is still trying to grow up. After cheating, that is the last thing you need. Protect yourself and protect your heart.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read your posts and I've read the responses....but something about this situation just feels *off* to me.....and the sticking point for me, I think, is this *curfew* issue.
Yeah, that is what I am having issue with and why I posted. Another part of the curfew is some bad decisions in his past and granny thinks she is doing what is best for him.

Pattern?
Not really. None of the guys before XSO had that issue. And when he was living with his buddy, he wasn't jumping whenever his family/granny called. He was doing well at being able to say "I can't help you right now, I have other things I am doing." It is just different now that he has been forced to move back for a time. It wasn't an issue before, but it is now, which is why I am seeking help/advice here.

A 30-something in deep debt and living with Grandma points to a not-so-fleeting issue.
Yes, he did make some bad decisions (or rather, one or two that had a huge impact.) And another reason why I refused to date him at first, not just his age. But over the year we were best friends and I got to know him, I saw how hard he was working to get back on his feet and figure out why he made bad choices. I've made some really bad decisions too, but I am trying really hard to grow from them and make better decisions in the future. I've done counseling to work on myself and he is doing it now. I am really glad he doesn't hold my past bad decisions against me, because they have left me with a psychoX that I have to coparent with and some financial difficulties. I am working hard, going back to school, and seeking help for introspection to better myself and so is he.

He is on the same path there that I am. This is part of what I mean when I say we are wanting the same things out of life. We both want a healthy relationship. Neither one of us have had one. We want one, and we want it together and are working on it and learning together. We are doing a lot of things right this time, both of us, but there are some difficulties which is again why I am posting here. We are both working hard on personal growth. He has a good heart. He is learning and growing.

Again, I don't think it is an age thing, because he wasn't seeking out an older partner, and I wasn't wanting a younger one. I had a ten year age gap as my limit until I ended up with him. And I was ultra-sensitive in the beginning to the age gap and looking for problems because of it. What I found with us is that we do have some issues, but they are not particularly age related, and I was being prejudiced and judgmental. I also look at several of my friends who have relationships with large age gaps, and I see how they work things. However they are working things, in all 3 cases, they are all very happy and 2 of them have been together over ten years, and my bff is going on seven years and they are getting married this fall. They do have issues like everyone, but again, their issues aren't really age-related and they are happier than most couples.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:16 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is sick, I completely agree, but there are men out here whose mothers never let them grow up and be a man and they look for those traits in relationships.
Actually, he was the caretaker in his family growing up. This is where some of his maturity comes from. I was the oldest and I took care of my siblings. He also took care of his siblings, and after he was older, he took care of his mother because she ended up developing some emotional problems; however, when he was young he had a good relationship with his mother. She is educated and emotionally grounded but he was raised by his paternal grandma because of a nasty divorce and his mom didn't have the money to fight in court.

I am the first older woman he dated. The most serious relationship he had before me was 5 years and she was one year younger than he. He is the youngest I've dated. Most of my relationships were older men and my first husband was 7 years older than me.

This isn't a pattern with us. I know there are stereotypes about age different relationships but I truly feel this isn't the problem here.

movingforward, I do really appreciate your advice and I will read your post again. I can see you are posting from a caring and non-judgmental position so thank you. I'm not trying to rationalize but I'm trying to give more information to help others understand more. (I do see some defensiveness here though)

Also, he was raised to respect his elders, and his granny is the elder of the family. So part of it is respect, part of it is she was demanding and strong while he was growing up and moving back has kind of brought that out again, and part of it is he does feel he needs to respect the rules of the place he is living. HIs buddy had some weird rules also and he respected those while living there.

he has major issues here that can not be fixed by you. He needs help to deal with his FOO issues
I'm not trying to fix his problems. That is why I suggested counseling for him. He is trying to fix his problems. I am trying to deal with MY problem which is not handling this separation and his new rules well.

If you want long term, does he?
Yes. He wanted it first. It took me a little longer to get used to that idea but he is a good man overall and if we can work thru these issues, it will be good.
What is his plan to achieve that with you?
Move back home, find a job, finish school, get his debts paid off, start saving for a down payment on a house for us together, and then get married.

Does he want kids? What if he changes his mind in 5 years to wanting kids
No. We have talked about that in depth also.

While the age gap is much, it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things if you both are in the same place in life. You both aren't. He just got out the military and is now in college full time.
I also am in school full time. I am trying to figure out who I really am and what I want in life now after being swallowed in a few toxic relationships and kids leaving home.

And that is also where our paths combine. We are both wanting the same basic things...

And I believe you need to see through the infatuation fog.
I've known him for 2 years now. I don't feel terribly infatuated and I can see his warts and issues....I still love him though. He has a beautiful and kind heart and he is willing to put the work into this relationship. Those are big pluses for me and part of what I truly value in a guy.

We are trying to help you. We don't want you hurt again because this boy is still trying to grow up.
Thank you! I really do appreciate that, and that is why I come here. I know the age stuff will get blasted from time to time but I am still putting things out here because I do want to figure this out.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do appreciate your comments and thoughts, but I feel you are making generalizations about our ages

And this is why I didn't comment at first.

I CLEARLY made my comment based on my OWN experiences, and what I see and know about the men that age and yet I'm accused of generalizing.

Personally, I canít imagine dating someone with that big a gap in ages, especially since I know so very well the 30 year old male mind through my kid. Vice versa, I canít see my son dating someone my age, nor would I honestly be happy if he did. That, along with being influential in my sonís decision making Ė ONLY when he wants me to be Ė all added up to me walking away without commenting.

(Notice the word "personally" and the heavy use of the word "I").

That is generalizing?

Hmmmmm...interesting, indeed.

I get that there are quite mature 30 year olds. By saying that, you'd be describing my son. He's done more right things at 30 (especially in his relationships) than I have at my age.

Look...you came here for feedback and three pages and 40 something comments from members in, we're literally back to page one as to where you are on this.

It's obvious no matter what anyone says you are able to explain things away or provide details missing in your original post that paint a whole different light on things.

I can only provide for you what you what I know and feel and I thought I had in a very personal way, yet to you - not so much. I'm lambasting the 30-something crowd.

Okie, dokie!

So, as they say "To each his own." I hope you are able to muddle through all of this, (because frankly by now it doesn't sound like you have any issues) and you're happy.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ajsmom, I do appreciate you thinking before commenting. And it felt like a generalization but I may be a bit sensitive about that.

It's obvious no matter what anyone says you are able to explain things away or provide details missing in your original post that paint a whole different light on things.
And to quit a relationship on one post of several paragraphs is not intelligent. When other things come up, I prefer to put down more information in case that changes anything. I have changed my mind on several posts after I have seen extra information added later in the thread and I want to make sure any pertinent information is given.

I did also try to answer you when you asked what he is getting from this relationship. I hadn't tried to speak for him or talk about what he says about me, but it seemed important for you to know so I tried to answer you.

I think I felt somewhat attacked by your post and apparently you weren't meaning it that way, you were only trying to give your own experience, so I'm sorry if I got defensive and I appreciate your thoughts.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, one more thing. I know in NB we see someone going down a bad path and we all chime in and try to help that person, then we tend to get disgusted when they don't listen immediately and act on the advice within minutes.

But we have to remember (me included) that when our WS's were acting up, we didn't fall out of love immediately. For many of us it took time and thought and a little more time and thought. This is serious stuff.

You can't just unlove someone just like that. There may actually be age problems here I'm not seeing, but apparently I'm not seeing them right now. I keep coming back and trying to talk this thru though. I haven't left this thread once the comments started. Just because I don't instantly agree and jump on everyone's advice doesn't mean I'm not listening and giving thought and letting things sink in.

You guys are right collectively in most cases, but there have been a few times when things were not what they seemed or we were actually wrong because we didn't have all the information. I am not going to cause more pain here between him and I without all the information being processed and thought about carefully.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone seems to be stuck on the curfew issue, but the fact of the matter is that for whatever reason, he feels he has to live with his grandmother. One of her criteria for his living there is that he abides by her curfew--not accepting the curfew=no place to live.

There are a lot of issues here; many of us see red flags, but you will do what you think is best. I wish you luck.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20281 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have curfew in the military don't they? That's probably something he's more comfortable with than the average joe.

However, if it were making the love of your life uncomfortable, wouldn't you push back and assert your autonomy?

Sounds like he's spread so thinly right now -- trying to please everyone and get his life in order -- that he can't make you a priority, but that's just how it has to be in order for his current situation to pan out.

You being upset about it probably isn't helping, but again, that's just how it is and you have to deal with it for now.

I hope it works out for you in the end. I know a couple in their 60s (him) and 80s (her) who have been blissfully happy for many years.

It can and does happen.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:58 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also am in school full time. I am trying to figure out who I really am and what I want in life now

NaiveAgain, didn't you also have some problems transitioning when college ended for summer break?

HIs buddy had some weird rules also and he respected those while living there.


Gma is very controlling. She raised him. He is somewhat afraid of her he admits, but doesn't really know why, not physically but she is the matriarch of the family. So, he isn't allowed to spend the night here anymore .

I will voice a concern that he's always followed someone else's rules: Grandma. Military. Buddy who lost his house. NaiveAgain.

Has this guy ever lived independently? Discovering his personal tastes ... and funding those tastes on his salary alone?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted about my own "Troubles is Paradise" a few months ago, and like NA, I got a bunch of 2x4s that deviated from the topic at hand. It made me hesitant to open up my heart and post again. Makes me sad.

Sometimes we need time to process your comments. Let NA process this all! I know everything you do is to help.... But you don't have all the info... You don't see the interactions, the body language, the feelings involved. Sometimes you need to take the word "blue" as "blue" and not read much more into it. Maybe, just maybe, it is "blue"....

(((NA))) Listen to everyone, but follow your gut. Your eyes are open! You will end up doing what's right for you. You don't have to justify your words or be apologetic.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:41 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing that worries me when I read your posts is that the relationship is, well, all about the relationship. Maybe that is just what happens when two introspective people come together, but every time I read your posts I just read, how can we make this work, as if making it work is the end goal and readiness and logic be damned. It might seem the issues are age related, or you are just at different places, but I donít see that. I see you as both in the same boat, needing to sort out a lot of things in life before you worry about a relationship.

You have posted in the past that the stress of school, work, family, finances, and community obligations was affecting your health. It seems as though you have found a way to cope, but you would be in such a better place to date if you could finish school and get your finances in order first.

The same goes for him.

It is easy to make concessions in a romantic partner when you are not at your best. Iím not established in a career, so why should I expect it of a partner? Iím sorting through FOO issues, so who cares if he is? I struggle financially, so why should I care if he does? You should! You can fix your issues, you canít fix his! So fix your issues and quit lowering your standards and making concessions and hoping he will get his shit together some day. You might be waiting a long time.

Maybe take a break, or at least scale back on the intensity of the relationship. Quit future faking and talking about the relationship and let actions define its course. Give yourselves time to focus on yourselves and get your lives sorted. When you and your partner are in better places you wonít have to make such large concessions. You wonít have to worry about how grandma and curfew fits in with your epic romance because it will just be epic.

Iím sorry if this is overly harsh. I obviously donít know what is best for you, but you seem like such a caring person and I worry this relationship is distracting you from taking care of yourself.

[This message edited by Crescita at 11:55 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey NA, you know my situation is very similar to yours. My SO is 21 years younger than me. Every time we have an issue people rush to point out our age gap however most of the things that we have dealt with are things that every couple deals with. You are both transitioning in your lives which in itself is enough to make your head spin, school, new career, new relationship, all hard on their own, combined it must be very difficult. My SO and I have been able to work through all our difficulties up to this point but I am realistic enough to know that that might not always be true. I have no words of advice just Hugs to you.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the fact of the matter is that for whatever reason, he feels he has to live with his grandmother.
Yes. Honestly, that is the best option we both can come up with for the moment. Hopefully we will figure out something else in the near future.

They have curfew in the military don't they?
Yeah, he is used to rules and discipline.

However, if it were making the love of your life uncomfortable, wouldn't you push back and assert your autonomy?
Yes, he has started standing up to her a little bit this week on certain issues. It's a start.

Sounds like he's spread so thinly right now -- trying to please everyone and get his life in order
Absolutely, and I can see the stress he is dealing with...and I don't feel good that I am part of that.--
that he can't make you a priority,
He still does, quite a bit, in many other ways. He is working so hard on this.....

I hope it works out for you in the end. I know a couple in their 60s (him) and 80s (her) who have been blissfully happy for many years.
Thank you FF!

NaiveAgain, didn't you also have some problems transitioning when college ended for summer break?
Honestly, I can't remember! I know I was tired because it had been a very stressful but busy time!

Has this guy ever lived independently? Discovering his personal tastes ... and funding those tastes on his salary alone?
For a short time before he went into the military. And he does know his own tastes....he has hobbies, a career path, and was involved in various clubs/organizations at school, all things that are his own interests. He bought many of the things that he uses for his hobbies while he was in the military with that salary.

Sometimes we need time to process your comments. Let NA process this all!
Yes, it does take me time to let things sink in. I know when I was in the process of leaving WS, it took about 3 months and I don't know how many times I came back here with little things he did or said to hear once again "he is manipulating, he is still in his addiction" before it finally sunk in!

I know everything you do is to help.... But you don't have all the info... You don't see the interactions, the body language, the feelings involved. Sometimes you need to take the word "blue" as "blue" and not read much more into it. Maybe, just maybe, it is "blue"....
He is so loving towards me. Caring, gentle, kind. Emotionally here for me. Those are very difficult things for me to give up since I've never had that before.

(((NA))) Listen to everyone, but follow your gut. Your eyes are open! You will end up doing what's right for you. You don't have to justify your words or be apologetic.
Thank you HUM!

The thing that worries me when I read your posts is that the relationship is, well, all about the relationship. Maybe that is just what happens when two introspective people come together
I am sure it seems that way from what I post here!
I see you as both in the same boat, needing to sort out a lot of things in life before you worry about a relationship.
Yes, we do both have a lot of balls in the air we are juggling right now. I think my life will always be like that though, honestly. I have always been very involved in lots of stuff. It does stress me sometimes, and he is the same way, but the nice thing is that after dealing with this stuff all day it was so nice to come home together, relax on the couch together, make supper and just destress a bit together. I miss that in the evenings.

You have posted in the past that the stress of school, work, family, finances, and community obligations was affecting your health. It seems as though you have found a way to cope, but you would be in such a better place to date if you could finish school and get your finances in order first.
Yes, I finally got health insurance last month (YAY!!!!) and am now playing catch up with getting my health back together. I think I may always be in school. I like school. Even after I am working full time, I would like to keep up on a night class here or there and eventually work towards a doctorate, so I don't think I want to wait for that to end....I do understand what you are saying though, but honestly, I don't know if my life will ever be less stressful.
It is easy to make concessions in a romantic partner when you are not at your best. Iím not established in a career, so why should I expect it of a partner?
I see your point with that also. I know I have made those types of concessions in the past.

Maybe take a break, or at least scale back on the intensity of the relationship. Quit future faking and talking about the relationship and let actions define its course. Give yourselves time to focus on yourselves and get your lives sorted.
That seems to be happening naturally now that we are not spending as much time together. We are both focusing more on dealing with our obligations and other issues. I am starting to get used to the separation a bit now and and I can see where this stepping back and slowing down can have some benefits for the long run.


Iím sorry if this is overly harsh. I obviously donít know what is best for you, but you seem like such a caring person and I worry this relationship is distracting you from taking care of yourself.
It isn't harsh, it is valid, and thank you Crescita!

Every time we have an issue people rush to point out our age gap however most of the things that we have dealt with are things that every couple deals with. You are both transitioning in your lives which in itself is enough to make your head spin, school, new career, new relationship, all hard on their own, combined it must be very difficult.
Yes, the transitioning stuff is difficult but it is nice having someone to always bounce my thoughts off of and we can talk to each other about our stresses and achievements, our difficulties and our thoughts. I am so glad you are commenting here, I know you are in the same type of situation so I value your input. Thank you!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The curfew deal is hard! I would have a hard time with that. I think it's a time to step back and re-group after a period of growing closer. Reaffirm your relationships with friends, your personal hobbies and interests, whatever you do to understand your own motivations so that your are emotionally independent and not so swayed by what happens in the relationship. It's a time to pull back, wait and see, and reconnect with friends.

I think people get into mommy/son and daddy/daughter deals even when they are same age, I've seen that plenty of times so I don't automatically go there when I see big age differences.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatever you do to understand your own motivations so that your are emotionally independent and not so swayed by what happens in the relationship.
Yes, that is kind of what is happening right now also. It is making me see him in a new light and while it is kind of scary losing the intense bond we had, it is kind of nice right now to see that I am still happy to see him when we are able to get together, and I still value him and our relationship.

I think people get into mommy/son and daddy/daughter deals even when they are same age, I've seen that plenty of times so I don't automatically go there when I see big age differences.
Thank you for this also. Before I dated him, I did mistakenly feel that when there was a large age gap there were probably some parent/child issues going on (or just sex) but I found after falling in love with him that I was mistaken.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:58 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand a person being in a less than perfect situation as they try to get their lives together. Jobs are hard to come by. School is expensive. People work out agreements with family, knowing "how they are". Many of us have been there, job loss, high cost of living, debt. You do what you got to do. I would not fault him for that.
That said, sometimes the timing is way off in relationships. I had a bf about 5 years younger than me. He was finishing up school, living with his dad. At the time, it was fine. We had a good time together, he was a good man. He treated me well. I loved him. But after awhile, our lifestyles just didn't come together. We were on 2 different tracks. It took awhile for it to be over, but eventually it just was.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

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