I wonder what percentage of wayward spouses have said this, and whether it is simply a way of minimizing the situation and telling us what they think we want to hear.
If it was so awful, why did you want to go back?
me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15
Then I got him back with ED. That is a whole other story of self esteem crush.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
He told me that what he really like was the idea of it. He would think about it, get all worked up and think, "This time will be different, this time will be awesome". It never was, according to him. I believe that. How great is sex with a prostitute going to be? They're not there for any reason other than you paid them to be there.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
He continued to go back because he wanted her to keep making him feel wanted through all of her texts and phone calls.....poor baby
[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 9:23 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
It was mechanical, missionary, and silent. To him, it felt like masturbation, and "ejaculation without orgasm".
I've probably asked fWH about this 100 times. He always quietly insists that it was awful. I have not caught him in a single lie since d-day (despite reading every affair email and digging for months), so I think he is telling his truth.
I met with his IC, who says the same--that he has completely consistently said the sex was horrible, and despite 50+ hours of counseling, he's never said anything to contradict that.
So why on earth would he continue with OW? Self-destruction, reenactment of childhood abuse, and blackmail.
Self-destruction because he believed he was a worthless POS and was making it true.
Reenactment because his boundaries had been violated his whole childhood, so it felt familiar and acceptable when OW did it.
Blackmail because OW was threatening to tell me, to expose him at work, to hurt herself etc.
I completely understand that most people are not going to buy this. But I do think that a very messed up person will go through the motions of bad sex under certain situations.
It could not have been good for OW either--no open mouth kissing, no foreplay, no attention to her body, and he left her crying ASAP after. Yet she literally blackmailed him to continue.
I think it's accepted that wayward spouses often minimize and downplay information. Is this one of those situations where that happens a lot?
I think that is one of those questions that everyone knows what the "right" answer is. You'd have to be an idiot not to know, "yeah, fucking lost time" would be hard coded in someone's memory forever.
Does it really matter? Was your spouse always the best you ever had? Sex feels good. It's supposed to. Your body alone can dictate that even if the other person is damn near in a comma. In fact, if you don't care about the other person it can be fucking awesome because you make sure it is...for you.
Maybe I have slight aspergers or something. I never understood why this mattered. My ex fucked my closest friend. Never wondered about how good it was. Who cares. Was more focused on her betrayal of our over 25 year friendship. She was literally my first female friend when I started school. Knew my childhood horror more than anyone else and helped me through it.
How she fucked didn't even ping the radar. How she fucked me over did and still does. The rest is mechanics.
[This message edited by uncertainone at 9:57 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
He said it was good but he had only ever been with me prior to her. She will always be second place and if she is a bad at sex as she is at finding her own man well too bad so sad.
Why did he go back? Idk.
Does it really matter? Was your spouse always the best you ever had?
[This message edited by Tred at 10:19 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
Yeah, poor MisterSister had to "force" himself to fuck the OW a few times when he wanted to end it but was afraid that OW would go nuts and out the affair. He was right about OW going nuts. (It was already nuts, he just didn't realize it until towards the end.)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I guess for me, the root of the question is more about a pattern of minimizing details
Which details? What focus? It ain't the details at all, it seems. Most BS's when they ask this question seem to be "overalling" all over the place. It isn't how they touched, tasted, felt, moved. It's were they better? Where they (as a whole) different? More special? They as a person and not a sum of parts, (which often they are). You, the BS are a whole. You're not sold separately. You come with anger, disappointment, personal shame, failings, self knowledge of limitations, obligations, stress, hurt, happiness, history. They don't.
Something can be good completely seperate from the method of application or who applies it. In fact, it can be the very uncolored, uncomplicated, lack of foundation neutrality that can make it satisfying at that moment.
Escapes aren't nuanced and layered, for the most part. That's what "you're" getting away from, after all.
You jump off a cliff there's one thought. Hope the chute opens. After that leap that thought vanishes as it really won't matter at that point and you just feel...exist in that moment. No anchors to other thoughts feelings. Nothing exists but you and how you feel. Freedom.
I'm certainly not speaking for waywards. Just for me. And for me there was that added rage fueled "fuck you" all over that shit show too.
Now, if you do go cliff diving and your loved one crashes and burns because you didn't pack their chute right think you're going to be having fond memories of that whole experience regardless of how good it was at the time? Kinda doubt it.