[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 8:20 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
Once we finally talked out these long standing issues, and learned how to properly communicate effectively, we finally feel we have put ALL of the past behind.
[This message edited by TxsT at 8:23 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
The hardest for me are the unexpected. Places and things are more controllable for me now because I can prepare.
It' the ones that blindside me that are the hardest and sometimes even the most seemingly innocent.
A word, a song, a conversation with a stranger.
What would help me the most from h, compassion.
I am sorry this hurt you and I know that it is because of my actions that this hurts you.
Acknowledgement, taking responsibility, remorse and physical comfort. Reassurance that you will always be there to comfort, never be so selfish and are grateful for the chance to prove yourself.
Tough morning so my list may be a little over the top.
So for example, I would guess that Saturday night that singer reminded teach that you broke up with her because you (at the time) preferred that other woman to her - and you hurt teach so you could have that other woman - now that may have happened years before the affair, and that woman may not have had anything to do with the affair you had years later - but seeing someone who looked like her, reminded her of you putting yourself and your wants in front of her, and that lead to her thinking of when you did that in your affair, so it brought the affair to mind and became a trigger. Or at least that's how I read it anyway.
So for me, a trigger could have been anything from the affair or before that made me feel that I came last in my husbands thoughts - and of course that linked straight into thinking about his 'affair' (The ultimate 'coming last' to a BS) and there you have it - a trigger - from something seemingly unrelated or that's how it worked for me anyway. Triggers are very unpredictable things and that's why they can hit you out of the blue. I don't think you can ever guard against them all no matter how hard you try.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:03 AM, September 9th (Monday)]
[This message edited by TxsT at 1:41 PM, September 9th (Monday)]
I guess I'm wondering what the definition of a trigger is?
As sinsof thefather says, they're very personal things. They can remind you of a bad memory. Or bring up a bunch of emotions unexpectedly.
Have you and Teach ever talked about what happened 20 years ago, when you broke up with Teach to date the other woman? If not, then sometimes a trigger can be a good prompt to address it. Help her talk through her trigger. The unexpectedness of them can be scary, and it can really help to have someone acknowledge your emotions when you feel them.
Two simple, stupid words.
Two words that were part of a song that he told COW reminded him of her.
That song is burned in my brain, and although I don't get mind movies anymore, all it takes is words from the song to trigger me at a random time.
He heard them, felt me tense, put a hand on my knee and said, "I'm sorry. Did that trigger you? I'm really sorry."
We are at the point where he acknowledges that something just happened and communicates with me immediately.
The trigger was gone as fast as it came because he was right there to help me through it.
My suggestion is to go to her if something is questionable and you have a suspicion she's triggering. If she tells you she is, just take it seriously and ask what you can do. They subside with time. At 2.7 years out I can't tell you if they go away forever, though.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:09 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Looking at photos that we took (and looked happy in) while he was online with that slut! I can no longer look at these photos and feel any happiness!
The x factor!!! (TV programme here in the UK) Stupid one i know, but i remember him always being online when this was on the tv, and later he admitted to talking to her and watching her touch herself on screen while i was in the SAME ROOM as him watching the x-factor!!
Lyrics of a song
Baking cupcakes (that's my business and he once said as i was always in the kitchen baking, he got bored and used to log on to the chatrooms!!)
Stripping off to get ready for bed/to go in the shower etc. She used to strip for him, and every time i take my clothes off i think about her!
people with the same name!
Garlic ... i read a conversation of theirs when she said she loved garlic (??) i can no longer cook with garlic as it reminds me of her!
Any news that comes on the tv about the U.S (sorry guys) i always look to see if what the news is about was anywhere near to where she lived.
Films that we went to see at the cinema together, as he would rush home to log on to talk to her afterwards.
Plenty of more triggers, but they are easing 10 mths on ... and when they happen, we talk, he holds me, he apologises.
Triggers aren't very nice, but they happen and always will, its how we deal with them when they happen is what counts.
Our minds are really, really complicated. So we all have different triggers. For me, things like a whiff of a certain cologne, lighting, shadows, the way the clouds look in the sky, the way shadows fall, catching a measure of certain songs---those can all elicit an emotional response that seems irrational, but is not. All of the things I describe can align in a way to recreate, in my mind, the way things were on a particular day when I had a strong emotional response to trauma.
I have some predictable ones--dates and anniversaries, women who look like OW (which is probably why, now that I think of it, I have changed my hair color after being blonde my whole life---that's a revelation!), certain television shows, a certain U.S. city, certain restaurants, the hotel where we had our wedding reception (and where the last A was consummated), that sort of thing.
But some are more ephemeral and harder to describe.
(And triggers aren't always negative; all of us have tons that are positive, too. We just don't think of them in the same way because they don't elicit the exaggerated response borne of trauma.)
Could be one of the places the AP's met during the affair.
Could be someone who has the same name/looks like the AP.
Could be a shirt/outfit the WS was wearing during the affair.
Some triggers are reasonable and understandable (ie "You brought the OW to our home and she sat on our sofa. Now whenever I sit on the sofa, I trigger.")...some are extreme (ie "We drove by the ice cream shop and that made me think of milk and my cousin drinks milk and my cousin's name starts with A and there is an A in OW's name!").
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."