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User Topic: He choose her name. Would like men's opinons too please.
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH plays Fantasy football. I discovered yesterday he choose a player for his draft, that has a last name that is the same as his OW's first name. Out of all the players out there!! To make it worse, this player plays for the team that I like the most! This player is also a rookie, that will get lots of play time!

So 32 teams out there and my WH could only choose 12 players for his draft, and he chooses a rookie with her Name???!!!

I was pissed!!! He will be focusing more on that player all season, since he choose him for his draft. So now her name will be in his head all season. He feels I am over reacting and says, It is just Fantasy football and this player had high scoring points for a Rookie so he choose him. Out of respect for me, I feel he shouldn't have!

I asked if he even stopped to think that was her name. He said, yes, but figured it was just fantasy football.

What runs through my mind is that I still don't trust him. (caught him in some little lies to me a couple weeks ago, non affair related, but still lies) So my messed up head is thinking, did he choose this player for her? Also thinking that anytime he looks or watches this player on tv does she pop into his head!?! He will be much more focused on this player all season!

Am I over reacting about being upset that he choose out of his 12 players to pick, a rookie player with a last name that is the same as her first name?(as you know they always call players by there last names during the NFL games)


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How competitive is he? I doubt that he would take a player just because of their name - that would be like picking a team to win because of the jersey color. Something serious players don't do. Is this a social league or is there money on the line?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3741 | Registered: Dec 2011
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I would be as angry as you are so if you're overreacting then I would be too. Frankly, I'd make him change it - what's more important to him - your feelings and his marriage or fantasy football?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Tred.
Neither my husband nor I are into football, but both of his brothers are fanatics.
They participate in multiple fantasy leagues and are (seriously) insane during the season.

A player's name could be Immascrewyourdogthenyourwife, but if he can play well, he'll be chosen for a pick.

Likely your WH wasn't thinking when he chose the player (though he should have been).

ETA:
While he may not have been thinking when he chose the player, said player should now be traded because it is obviously a problem. If he doesn't trade the player, he Fantasy football days are over. Period. No compromise on this one.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:27 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6064 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How very clever of him. Now he gets to "innocently" be reminded of his fantasy relationship every time he plays fantasy football. Worse, he consciously made this decision! And blew off your concerns because it is "just fantasy football"

I do not think you are overreacting. Even if this is a great player for his team and there is money on the line he should not of consciously made the decision to to be reminded of OW for the next 4 months. Because after all it is "just fantasy football..."


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What runs through my mind is that I still don't trust him.
Everything else aside, this is the critical thing, jules.

The fantasy football pick could be just that - a pick that doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't trust him. Is he working to be trustworthy? Are his actions matching his words?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24404 | Registered: Aug 2011
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know enough to understand how bad a trigger her name is. The thing to watch out for it purposefully making "connections" out of things. The name isn't a far stretch but if there are constantly things he does that you make connections for then you might want to reassess.

Stuff like

you picked so and so and he did a milk commercial and milk is used to make ice cream and ice cream is delivered to 31 flavors and they have those little pink sample spoons and pink is color associated with Mary Kay which sells make up and OW wears makeup!!!!

That is an example of too much trying to make a connection.

It sounds like there may be a disconnect in where he thinks your healing is and where you actually are. I hope that you can continue to talk about this and find a solution.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51477 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless his league has crazy rules, he can trade the player.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred: He is competitive and there is a little bit of money, not high stakes involved. But our marriage is on the line still too and I feel he should have respceted me not to focus on this womans name in anyway!Now he will be checking that players stats and watching him play more so then had he not choose him. There were many other players out there, and i feel he disrepected me choosing that name!!

He actually told me he had thought about that it was her name,and he was aware that it might bother me, and yet he choose to pick it anyway. :(


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually told me he had thought about that it was her name,and he was aware that it might bother me, and yet he choose to pick it anyway. :(

I just read back on my own quote. This says a lot!!!! :(


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he was inconsiderate and picked his fantasy league over his relationship then. If he was aware that you would have an issue with it, and doesn't trade the player once he knows how upset you are, then you are right, he is disrespecting you. I haven't played FF in a while, but it was very competitive, and like Gaby said, the name mattered nothing - it was the points put up on Sunday. Very few rookies have a big fantasy impact anyways.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3741 | Registered: Dec 2011
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This rookie played very well yesterday and I get why he would want to choose him for his draft!

Competitive wise, I know why he choose him. Marriage wise, I am having a hard time that he did. I am still healing and I don't want her name in his head all season.

He can be traded, but that doesn't change the fact that he choose him in the fist place, knowing it might bother me.

Thank you for your replies everyone! I appreciate them!


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually told me he had thought about that it was her name,and he was aware that it might bother me, and yet he choose to pick it anyway. :(

This would be a problem for me. If there is any doubt in his head that something could bother you then his choice should be to avoid it. No questions asked.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dontknowwhyme: I agree, if he even thought that maybe it might hurt me that he would choose that player due to the name, then he should have steered clear! It hurts that he seemed to care more about fantasy football then how I might feel about it.

He should have also infomed he had choosen this person before the game came yesterday, instead of me finding out in front of all of our friends.


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is unaware of how hurtful this is and is obviously being selfish. He is still in a fantasy that you are all better, "over it" and shouldn't be upset about this.

The fact that he disregards your feelings and continues having "that name" on his roster is selfish and not very compassionate or remorseful.

I am sorry. I hope he sees the light soon!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Dance4Me
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to stick up for him and say that sometimes guys don't even pick up on some of the things we, as women, get pissed about. But then you write that he knew it may bother you, and he did it anyway - yeah...that's not too remorseful if you ask me! I'm sorry he did that to you for a stupid football pool.

My H's PA married last name sounds and is spelled very similar to ours! Thank goodness she remarried last year and has a new name. And her maiden last name is the same as my Hs step dad - and my husband's Comfirmation middle name - what a coincidence! My H truly didn't even think about the names like I have - that's why I thought your H maybe didn't put two and two together either. But he did - and he still choose it...not good!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 7:26 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2009
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How good is the player?

If the player is a really good rookie who is underrated and has excellent stats...he probably picked that person not even thinking about the name. I agree with GabyBaby- I doubt my WH would even notice!

I would give him the benefit of the doubt as to why he picked the player...unless it is just a really bad player.

Now that it is a problem brought to his attention, however, that player should be traded immediately. I wouldn't even LET him talk about how you are overreacting- it wouldn't be an issue if he hadn't had the affair.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually told me he had thought about that it was her name,and he was aware that it might bother me, and yet he choose to pick it anyway. :(

Okay, forget my last post. I read on.

I think this quote says it all.

He thought you might be upset, but he cared more about winning fantacy football (or OW?) than your feelings, so he big fat did it anyway. Disrespect.

Then you find out, you ARE infact upset, and he tells you that you are overreacting. Disrespect.

To add insult to injury, he wasn't even upfront about what he did and waited until you were amongst friends to find out. So that you look like a psycho for bring triggered, and so that he couldn't get reamed for his selfish and disrespectful behavior right then and there. Disrespect.

Do you seea pattern here?

I'm seeing a man who is continuing to disrespect your feelings and your marriage because of his own selfish wants and needs. I'm seeing a man who is continually lying and sneaking around when he intentionally does things that he knows you will be upset about. I'm seeing a man who makes a pattern of trying to convince you that you are just crazy for feeling something completely justified.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to stick up for him and say that sometimes guys don't even pick up on some of the things we, as women, get pissed about. But then you write that he knew it may bother you, and he did it anyway - yeah...that's not too remorseful if you ask me! I'm sorry he did that to you for a stupid football pool.

I am seriously into Fantasy Football. The draft is a very big deal. You pick players that will get you a belt, or whatever. I don't link anything but who's good and can put up points.

That said he can't have it both ways. It's not "just" fantasy football. If it is then yeah, he could have picked someone else. If he takes it as seriously as I do, and the others in my group, the player is what matters not the name.

I can assure you, within reason, he won't be thinking about her when the guy scores. Then again, he wasn't thinking about you when he offered that pretty lame shit after you brought it up.

Question for you. If he told you fantasy football was a huge deal to him would you have been better with what he did than the pick and the dismissing of it immediately?

Problem is, regardless, the solution needs to come from him based on his concern with your feelings. If you ultimatum it will you really feel ok by his compliance?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the OW has the same name as me, I do trigger on names. But, even without that I believe this was a deliberate stunt on his part.

He *knew* it would bother you.

If he is truly trying to fix his marriage, YOUR feelings need to be taken much more seriously. He needs to prove himself through ACTIONS - and the ACTION of picking a player with the OW's name is shoving it in your face like a big ole cream pie and laughing about it because, you know, it's just pie. ha hah ha.

:(


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 23
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