I also found the "box" these are of pre marriage items during our dating time (5 years). I had my journal in there. Even before I had looked at this stuff I remembered we broke up once because he didn't want to "lead me on" He was not going to get serious and he felt he should tell me. At that time I was like ok, no problem. I had forgotten that he did it again about 1 year later. That time I was very upset. I completely did the 180(didn't know it at the time) and tried to move on. Now know that I was a divorced woman with 3 kids, owned my own home and had a great job with $ and travel. And he was younger.
Anyway the 2nd time we broke up I went to my therapist. I will never forget one of her comments. He wants the instant family without the work. He finally begged is way back in after a few months. Everything was fine, we ended up living together and then marrying.
Several things scream out to me. 1) I wished I had understood red flags, and that perhaps he couldn't commit and didn't know how to deal with issues. 2) The things I wrote in my journal are the same things I am saying now. I want a partner that can take the good and the bad. Not just the good 3)When I met him he owned/had nothing, made minimum wage as an office clerk. He worked really hard to move into a job that paid $ to support us also. I saw some issues with his self esteem even then.
I never forced him into the relationship when we were dating or when we got married. I was like ok, moving on. Did he force himself because he wanted the perfect family (I have since learned his family life was anything but perfect, lots of FOO issues)
I look at my thoughts, and I wonder if he ever loved me? Or just wanted the instant family.
Good thing I have counseling this week. I need to really think about what I have seen in my past journal.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Perv chose an OW who needed a father figure/male role model but in so doing, left none here. Things in his own life became very hard-job loss and other stresses and several counselors we had think some of his FOO issues also triggered at the same time-possible MLC, if you believe in them. I believe in a form of them and think he's stuck in one and OW is juvenile and eggs him on.
Anyway...I was just writing some of this story to say that I can relate to your thoughts about "insta family" because he traded us for a different model with money, FWIH (from what I hear). The going here was rough, but some of his own doing and he shut down prior to abandonment rather than working on things he said were problems.
Like you, I went down memory lane and remembered a break up or two we had in early days and what shocked me was that it was about the same issue! This was almost 20 years ago.
Your red flag sentiments ring true here because maybe I would have handled things differently, too.
I like to think Perv had love at one time...his mannerisms etc, showed it and I hope your WH had love at one point, too. I would have trouble going on with the belief that it was all a farce because for me, it wasn't and it sounds like it wasn't for you, either.
You're ahead of me because I haven't been able to bring myself to touch stuff he gave me or wedding things...not sure when that will be. I give you credit for doing it and now you have new closet space!
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
All of the toughest work I have had to do has come with great strides in healing. I hope you have similar results.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner