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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why now...?
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Sad  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I've been away from the board for awhile because I was doing okay, or at least I thought I was. But the last week or so has been really, really hard. I can't believe it's tied to something as stupid and toxic as Facebook, but it is.

Ever since Facebook was invented, XWH's page was private. Unless friended to him, you couldn't see anything but his name, cover photo etc. Now, about two weeks ago, he takes the entire page public. He's posting photos of him, OW, OW's kids, and his two youngest boys all camping. (his boys must have LOVED that... I was never invited, it was their male only outing every summer. I guess that's all changed now with OW in the picture).

He's posting photos of himself with OW, and other members of her family. He's doing check-ins at the hair salon and commenting "It's not so bad hanging out at the salon when you have such a beautiful woman to wait for."

I blocked him on Facebook, long ago. All this info has come to me through a few friends and family members of mine. They view his page, get angry, vent to me... etc. I don't want to hear about it, and I've asked these individuals not to do this anymore. But the damage has been done, I guess.

I'm so hurt by this. Who knows if his decision to make the page public had anything to do with me, but I can't help taking it personally. It feels like a giant fuck you. Like, "see how much better my life is now that you're not in it?" and "see how much prettier my new woman is than you?" He never posted compliments or things like that about me on his page, even when things were good.

I need some perspective on this. It seems so petty and dumb, but its really hurting and upsetting me. I don't understand why I'm allowing myself to be so affected by this, and that's frustrating.

I hate how I can be going along, thinking I'm doing okay, and then some stupid shit like this comes up and reminds me that I'm not even in the same fucking zip code as "okay."

D-day is five months ago tomorrow. I hate using the term "depressed", but I think I am. Every day lately I wake up and just lay in bed, thinking "Is this really my life? This fucked up, miserable, empty LONELY existence... this void with nothing in it but me. THIS is my life?!" I have no clue how things got to this point or how I got set back so far, but I'm really struggling right now.

Thanks for listening.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 814 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh - I'm so sorry. I know how stuff like that can hurt and set you right back to square one.

First, I'm glad that you've told your friends and relatives that you don't want to hear about your ex. They really shouldn't be looking at his page either. it's not healthy and does nothing for your healing.

Second, how many people do you know whose lives actually match the crap they put out on FB?? No one puts on there that they are low on money, their house is a mess, their kids are little bastards and have no manners, and they can't get it up about 75% of the time. Of course, they put all the fun, fun, fun shit on there to profess to the world how great life is. No one, including you, knows what happens behind closed doors. While I know nothing about your ex or the OW, I would bet my house that life is not as grand as he wants people - especially if he knows your friends and relatives can still see his page - to think.

Next, your DDay is very recent so cut yourself some slack. This is all a normal part of the process. You hum along thinking that life is going to be ok again and that you are getting a glimpse of the end of the tunnel, only to be pulled right back into the darkness. We've all been there.

ARe you in IC? If you can swing it with time and finances, I would really recommend it, especially if you think you really are depressed. There may be a medication that can help get you through the rough patches.

Finally, just continue to move forward and know that there will be set backs. The good thing is that, as time goes on, even a set back won't hurt as much or last as long.

Someone very wise once told me that grief is like exercising. The first few times you start a new program, your body is so sore and it feels like you got in the ring with Mike Tyson. As you move along and you are consistent with your exercise, you build up strength and resilience. You find that what caused you to moan and groan a few months ago, is now a piece of cake. Even Olympic athletes pull muscles and get hurt sometimes so it's not like it will never happen again, but they recover and they keep going because their bodies are that much stronger. That build up of emotional strength will happen for you too. That's why we call ourselves survivors. We get through the most horrible shit and somehow fight and crawl to the other side.

We will meet you there one day soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, keep posting, and know that you will make it through.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2792 | Registered: Jan 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Methinks he doth protest too much...

IE it reads like he feels like he has to actually show everyone the unicorns farting rainbows so they stop complaining about the stench that surrounds him.

Or OW wanted him to prove his luuuuuurv because she isn't feeling speshal. Or the flip side of that coin, he's marking his territory because HER eye is wandering.

Either way, I truly believe this sounds like posturing.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. I am in IC... I see her tomorrow, thank god. It's expensive so I've cut back to going only once a month, but that fourth week is a tough one. Maybe I'll tighten my budget and go back to every three weeks.

Thanks for the reminder that 5 mos out is still recent. I feel like I've been living in this hell much, MUCH longer than that... but you're right, the wounds are still fresh and raw.

I think he was hoping all this facebook crap would get to me. My best friend HATES him for all this, and he knows she would be likely to look at his page. Yet he hasn't blocked her, and I think there is a reason for that.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 814 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My read: OW is insecure, (if he cheated with me will he cheat on me..?) and she is the reason behind the change. Go camping with just the boys - hell no! She is marking her territory which she wouldn't do if she were confident...


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go with what has already been said - the OW is insecure and wants him to proclaim his lurv for her and second that generally those who post dribble like that on FB all the time are actually trying to convince themselves that they are really that happy.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm surprised you guys all think OW had a hand in this change. I hadn't even considered that. Her page is completely private; absolutely nothing visible to a non-friend.

She should be feeling insecure! I didn't know he was a lying, cheating POS. She did, and chose him anyway. How either one of them can sleep at night is beyond me.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 814 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cheated on his wife. She cheated with a man she knew was married. So yeah, I bet they are both on a tight leash with each other since commitments don't seem to mean much to them..

But the leashes are so tight they have to follow each other to the hair salon?? AND post about it on Facebook?? Yeah, he doth protests too much..

Forget those losers honey..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just so sorry. What a huge jerk! I hate him too.. You are so much better than this. Hugs to you!


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posturing, protesting too much, following each other to the hair salon, these types of things PUT OUT THERE ON FACEBOOK SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW WONDERFUL MY LIFE IS
are actually "tells".

Hiding reality has been practiced by them, no?

The type of reality they're hiding is one that you might remember from 2nd grade, when you were caught in the principal's office.

It's called anal constriction. Often accompanied by a senseless restless shifting of gluteus maximus, or shifting your butt around on your seat as it's known on the street.

The cause? Well, your own stupid self, buttttt
when you invite it, with HOW HAPPY I AM
expect the next innocent FB (or any time?) question;

"Gosh you two seem so happy! How did you meet?"

It is then the condition manifests itself severely; the anus puckering, the glutes shifting uncomfortably...there are other comorbid behaviors, but the purpose of my saying this to you is to thank the maker of stars it is in your past.

Believing that it is in their sad futures, well, saddens me.
I'm extremely happy it's not in yours.


Posts: 6572 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How you feel right now after only 5 months is perfectly normal. Damn right it hurts to know this crap. But the good news here is that in a year or so you will be actually laughing at his dumb ass. You will find the fašade he is portraying rather amusing. And that's if OW is still in the picture in a year. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Its part of the process kiddo.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 11

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