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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A man smiled at me today
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me preface by sharing that I know I am no where near ready for any relationship with a man of any kind. I know this like I know my own name. Further, I'm not yet divorced and my personal moral code does not permit me to date or even have a coffee with a man until I am divorced.

Having said that, a man smiled at me today at the grocery store. Smiled in "that way". I had my kids with me, so I certainly was not expecting any man to notice me like that. I was shocked, almost horrified, that anyone would notice me. Let alone hold my eyes long enough to smile.

I did smile back, but then immediately turned my back & finished unloading my cart onto the thingy for the checker to scan.

I am so, so, so not ready. I can't even handle a perfectly innocent smile. Makes me want to just order from Schwan's home delivery & never set foot outside again. Am I really this messed up?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's messed up at all. You recognize your own emotional needs (stability, not more change), and have healthy boundaries (not dating while married). Sounds really healthy to me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that's just so sensible. My mind apparently doesn't work that way.

Now I'll go cry in the laundry room for a few minutes to purge...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

c'mon NG, you are sensible. Your brain will work that way when it ceases to FREAK out...

I think this is a step on the LONG path to healing. You have taken the step along that path that you are no longer oblivious to those looks. Chances are they have been there before, but you were so shut down that you missed them. Or missed the eye contact that led to this moment.

Sure you freaked out and put the walls up but quick!!! But the positive I see in this tale, is that the walls were down even the teensiest bit and the look occurred in the first place.

Baby steps are still steps.

(((NG)))

You'll bounce back and recover from this and that time table will prove healing too.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have integrity and you know who you are. Good for you!! When the time is right it will be flattering instead of scary.
I had a guy ask me out and I freaked out. I was horrified, and I made him feel horrified. It was mortifying for all involved. So I totally understand.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it wasn't a "perfectly innocent smile", was it? That is what has you flustered.

One day it will hit you that it is OK, and you will smile back without it upsetting you.

I confess, I used to wear a ring on my middle finger, that I would move to my ring finger when I was out...especially if I could feel a guy looking at me. Just a way to keep men at bay until I was ready.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just where you're at. I think, when a person is truly not ready to date, these kinds of "warnings" will remind us of that. People who date prematurely probably just ignore those signals, and you are self-aware enough to recognize them.
There is nothing wrong with you.

I'd happily take a smile these days. But a couple years ago, a man did smile at me and kept eye contact for longer than second, and my immediate thought was, "Do you have a girlfriend or wife and do THEY know that you're leering at women at the store? Do they, idiot?!"

Clearly, I had a lot more healing to do. But like I said, my mind was giving me pretty clear warnings that I was NOT ready to date or even think about dating.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd happily take a smile these days. But a couple years ago, a man did smile at me and kept eye contact for longer than second, and my immediate thought was, "Do you have a girlfriend or wife and do THEY know that you're leering at women at the store? Do they, idiot?!"


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9852 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N_G.

Sounds like it felt nice to be noticed and acknowledged.

And it's ok to be freaked out. It's a new experience that's happened.

One more step on YOUR path to healing!

Keep smiling!
Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5320 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw, NG. There's nothing wrong with you! Normal reaction given where you are right now.

Shortly before my D was final, a guy tried to flirt with me. Took me a while to figure out what he was doing, but once I did I freaked. out.

Panicked. Even posted here about it in a tizzy because GAH! What was I supposed to do with that?

You are not messed up - you are recovering. Healing. And not ready for that kind of interaction yet. And that's ok.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't even figure out how to flirt after my D was final! I had my married shield up for 24 years and I couldn't figure out how to lower it.

It just takes time.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7751 | Registered: Aug 2005
Topic Posts: 11

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