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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boundaries/Guidelines for R
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Frustrated  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a list? How do I go about trying to set up the boundaries?

I went out w/a friend Sat night for about 3-4hrs.

I checked phone calls/texts from Saturday and he had 1 call from a female friend he used to work with. They also exchanged quite a few texts through the night almost started immediatley after I left and the last text he sent her was right before we went to bed(I was already home) She also texted him at 11:56pm after we had gone to bed.

She is someone that he admitted to flirting with.
I know her through him and we know her husband.

She is also the one who called him to ask him about something she heard from someone else they worked with. She said she heard he was having an A with a girl from the cleaning crew. Which of course he denied.

I have a hard time setting boundaries because I don't think he truly wants to R.

I feel he's waiting for me to lose the weight I gained while pregnant to see if I can keep it off and then he'll decide. That is just what I feel.

He starts IC Wednesday. I don't know that he will talk about the A.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never established a list...I am 100% certain that my WH, like many, knows exactly what he should and should not do.

I simply told him that he was going to live by my rules or he was free to leave.

Without question I would never allow my WH to chit chat on a Saturday night with another woman. I would not allow him to text, through out the evening, with another woman. This is inappropriate behavior, especially for a WS.

He is not respecting you or your M. Whether you believe he wants to R or not, you need to set boundaries.

I have a hard time setting boundaries because I don't think he truly wants to R.

^^^Are you afraid that it will destroy any chance of R?
I assure you, your WH refusal to step up and do the right thing will destroy any chance of R.

How do you go about trying to set up the boundaries?

You let him know what you will and will not tolerate. Since things may come up during R you are free to add to the list.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 9:03 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made a list, but not everyone does.

I made a list and wrote it down, that way I knew he knew my conditions, and I had something formally written instead of just in my head. It was easier to measure and easier to stand firm.

I asked that he:

-Not watch porn anymore

-No more CL

-Show me every single contact in his phone, and prove that the person was who he said they were (no male names that were secretly females). He did this by calling some of the contacts and letting me listen, and by texting people (he used the excuse that he got a new phone and had this number but it wasn't labelled...who is this? Then the person replied with their name and I had confirmation of who it was).

-He had to give me all of his e-mail passwords

-He had to give me his phone password and let me look through it whenever I asked

-I explained to him that clearing search history was a no-no. I told him that if I went through the ipad or his phone and the history was cleared, I would assume he did something wrong. He did try to clear histories in the beginning- I 180ed him every time he did so.

-I wanted him to get a full STI test and show me the results. We used condoms for 6 months until his HIV test results and mine came back clean. He didn't meet any of the women, but never could prove that to me. I'm positive he was telling thr truth, but you can never be too careful.

-No flirting with other women

-If he needed to call or talk to another woman outside of his family, he needed to tell me first (we eventually got over this one, but it took a few months before I was really comfortable with him around any women other than strictly professionally)

-No going to bars without me

-Let me know immediately if any of his OW's try to contact him via e-mail or text, and show me the communication right away so we can decide together what to do (this happened a few times that the girls e-mailed him asking what was up. he did show me right away and just deleted them).


There is NO WAY IN HELL I would be comfortable with my H chit-chatting with someone who he flirted with in the past, especially with the timing being as soon as I left the house and at midnight. Nope, not okay with me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Frustrated  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without question I would never allow my WH to chit chat on a Saturday night with another woman. I would not allow him to text, through out the evening, with another woman.

I wouldn't either, and well I was out so I had no control.

He had asked me a few weeks ago when I wasn't feeling well if there was anything he could do to make me feel better.

I had come up with some things in my head but decided against them.
Fear I guess.

Just having a hard time with boundaries b/c it seems A is long gone (even though it's not). I kind of already have the Y he did it and it is because I shut him out and we didn't communicate and my weight (which has always been a hotspot for us)

Just trying to figure out how to move forward in a healthy way for the M if it's going to survive.

[This message edited by heathenchristian at 9:53 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't either, and well I was out so I had no control.

I understand that you were out but what I was getting at is: Did you confront him when you found out? Did you let him know that this behavior was unacceptable, not to mention inappropriate?

What is it that you are fearing that keeps you silent? Are you afraid that he will leave you?

All of this is scary....fear of the unknown. I get it, but it will do you no good to be silent, to wish it away. You need to stand up for yourself, demand the respect that you deserve.

Gently I say, you can't "nice" him into staying. You can't "wish" him into staying. He has to want to stay.

It is usually the BS that toss (or threaten to toss) the WS to the curb that get the best result in R.

Remember: You get what you allow. Do not allow him to silence you.

I kind of already have the Y he did it and it is because I shut him out and we didn't communicate and my weight

^^^So, did he feed you this crap or just make you feel this way?

You were both in the same relationship, did you cheat? His cheating had everything to do with his selfish behavior and nothing to do with you.

What, if anything, is this man doing to help you heal? If the answer is "nothing" or "very little" then you are not in R. You may want to read up on 180.

Be strong. {{{heathenchristian}}}

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:00 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Concerned  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^So, did he feed you this crap or just make you feel this way?

No I was majorly cold and a bitch, did not let up and was rude. Had I been in the state of mind I am now back then, maybe we'd not be where we are now. I don't know.

It was still his choice/decision I did not make him do it and even though I thought about it, I never did do it.
I couldn't because I love him and want our M to work, back then I just didn't know how to be who I am today. So maybe this all happened for a reason as they say....UGH

I am majorly at fault for a lot of our problems in our M as is he. I have been owning up to them and fixing them as best as I can.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time setting boundaries because I don't think he truly wants to R.

You set your boundaries for you. Whether he wants to R or not is irrelevant. You're your own person - you get to say what you will and will not do and what you will and will not accept. Really - you can do this, and it'll be great for you.

I feel he's waiting for me to lose the weight I gained while pregnant to see if I can keep it off and then he'll decide.

This is just plain wrong. You did not make this baby alone. He's 50% responsible, and weight gain during pregnancy is just a normal consequence. If he's blaming you for a consequence of having his baby, well...I don't want to get dark enough to say what I really think about that.

But what about you? Why do you give any credence at all to this line of thinking? Love yourself, sweetheart, no matter what you weigh. Be gentle with yourself. (I should say that I'm way overweight myself, so I'm protecting myself here - but I can do that, and so can you.)

He starts IC Wednesday. I don't know that he will talk about the A.

Demand that he sign a release that allows his IC to discuss his goals and progress with you. Also, the release can specify tat the IC will call you if your H specifies anther A or if he rescinds the release.

Boundaries/Guidelines for R:

for a start:

NC with aps
IC
MC
Honesty
Transparency
No flirting with anyone but you
A release that gives you visibility into his IC

Since your H seems to be clueless about slippery slopes, only professional relationships with other women, and only professional conversations with other women.

Add personal requirements as you see fit. For example, my W has to initiate sex sometimes, and she has to arrange weekly dates.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 7

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