This is a really personal post and if you are at all shy of reading or discussing sex please don't read on.
I read the post about renewed kissing and it got me wondering about renewed sex lives.
Well we had the whole hysterical bonding thing for a few weeks after dday then my sex drive took a nose dive while the reality of affair sank in, still not quite there with believing he cheated but things are improving and our sex life seems to be one of the first things to show me how good our future could be...
My question is has anyone else found sex after HB ends is drastically improved.
My H had always been into porn now he can't stand it as it reminds him how sordid sex is when you don't want to do it, and how amazing it is with the right person when you focus on sex being special. He has even stopped masturbating cos he says his body is mine now and he would rather save his O's for me.
well, there has been quite a difference in our sex life! Can't really share this without being graphic but things like more kissing and caresses in the day. Loving texts while he is a work. BUt the most amazing change is actually in the bedroom (or anywhere else for that matter )
He used to be silent in bed now he tells me I am beautiful and how good things feel. He actually stopped mid way the other night and said 'don't move I just want to stay this close' have to say that blew me away.
Now for the really intimate stuff, sorry this is so graphic but it's this stuff that I can't believe. He used to be a one shot wonder but now we stay together after holding and touching and before I know it we are on round two. This can go on for hours. It's like as soon as we are 'together' he refuses to separate. I never used to be able to O and he could only do it once every two days. Now we are both shuddering and juddering for ages and surprised how our bodies are reacting to our new sex life! we didn't know we had it in us.
I am sorry if this is tmi but I really really want to know if anyone else is experiencing the same sort of transformation in their sex lives or if I am just one lucky lady.
Ap got none of that just a minutes fumble then he says he got slapped in the face with the enormity of what he was doing and stopped it straight away. He says it was like being blackmailed cos she was refusing to take him home and hinting she would tell me of the EA if he didn't do what she wanted. She didn't touch him once as it was all a game to her so now he knows how bad sex can be he seems to see it as far more personal than he did.
I used to be quite shy of romance, found the term 'making love' cheesy and hated pet names etc. Thought flowers were a waste of money and discouraged any 'fuss'. I didn't know what I was missing out on.
the only way to describe sex now really is making love. It's totally changed. He calls me baby and sweetie and I call him honey. I now accept little gifts as gestures of love instead of being embarrassed by them and thinking the money would be better spent on necessities.
It's like we are dating again but even better. He says it's cos he knows how close he came to losing me and has realised I am all he wants in the world now and it makes him frantic to be close.
I just wonder if this is typical as most of us seem to have experienced HB I wonder if it has led to more intimacy for most people. I really hope so.
[This message edited by olwen at 5:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
He used to be a one shot wonder like most men...
Hey...that's a pretty sweeping generalization. Some men (and women) here might disagree with your statement.
The rest of your post is a lovely ode to intimacy fueled connection, and how that ramps up sexual expression. We keep our "pilot light" burning with daily loving and intimate "little things", and the shuddering and juddering takes care of itself - often. Picture ridiculous middle aged rabbits acting like teen aged lovers. Our kids say ewwww a lot to our pda's at home.
Our little boy is so relieved that we are 'staying together' that he just grins when he sees us hugging and kissing. The day we make him go ewwww will be a good one lol.
[This message edited by olwen at 5:52 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
I can, however, speak to the way in which your husband is interacting with you and how it has changed.
I am a BH. I humbly admit that in many ways my actions pre-A resembled that of your husbands. Since the affair I have decided, like your husband, that any and all sex will involve my wife....nothing else. No masturbation, not fantasies, no porn, no nothing.
At first it was challenging...would have been so even without the dang mess that the A brought into our marriage, but made tougher due to the anger and sadness.
BUT, just like your husband, the sex we do have is so different then the sex we did have. And it has positive effects....really positive effects, throughout my entire life....not just in the bedroom. Its like I discovered a new way to exist...a new set of tools that make life.....easier? more fulfilling? better? Sorry, cant really describe it...just know that other parts of your husband life are improving as well...which will continue to positively reinforce this new, healthier way of living within him. It is lasting change.
So what you are seeing and experiencing from your husband is real...it is not an act....if he is like me, and by your details I really think he is, he is a new man in the bedroom.....and a new man OUTSIDE of the bedroom.
Whether he is Christian or not, this is how God desires us to be around our wives. We are to guard our wives heart, cherish her, sacrifice for her, to love her, to honor her.
That is what he is doing. That is what I have a renewed commitment to do.
My past is a part of me. I am neither proud of this or offer it up as an execuse....I simply view sex so very differently now. I did not understand the harm I was doing pre-A to our intimacy. I do now.
Congratulations on improved sex. It will do nothing but improve your union to your husband.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
I am sorry to hear your sex life is suffering though. I hope things pick up soon, it sounds like you truly love your wife.
we are not religious but we do hold to Christian beliefs on morality etc. I think that's part of what has changed H. He has realised his morals were too lax and can't believe what he has done.
Onwards and upwards now. I love my new and improved H more than ever and hope it continues, I feel it will
Now, we've done a complete 180. We have emotional intimacy and sex is completely focusing on each other. He is NOT just about himself at all anymore. We look at each other, talk to each other, and fully immerse ourselves into the moment. It's amazing. I've even cried due to sheer connection. It's not just about getting off for him and me just going through the motions anymore. It's all about connecting and experiencing.
And you're right...the AP's never got that and I focus on that too. I get things he never shared with anyone else.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
We are loving our renewed connection, and also NEW connection. When were out in a date, or with family, we just love having an unspoken, and usually unobserved, connection: a touch, gesture, wink, whisper, glance...that is ours alone. We've been "caught" in the act a few times by another couple or one half of a couple, and they either get it (because they do it too!) or look either miffed or jealous...or both.
We are loving nurturing our pilot light! And the good feelings spill over into every aspect of our life together. I can thank my spouse for believing in me, and us. Her ability to do that is because of how strong, self assured, and confident she is in...herself. Her beautiful, kind, smart, sexy, decent, loving, caring self.
My eyes are wide open to the gift of my BW. And the privilege and responsibility I now enjoy for bringing my best me, my authentic me, to myself, her and us. The work doesn't so much feel like work. It feels good and right.
We are way different around each other, have also gotten the "EWWWW" from our son, and generally just much more affectionate. More kissing, more touching, etc. And the actual sex has run the gamut, because quite frankly, there has been a lot of it!
But mostly, more intimate, more adventurous and more vulnerable.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
Just desserts, the last thing you said really resonated with me cos H said exactly the same thing about it not being work.
I pointed out to him early on that If he had put half the effort into our marriage as he did into his A (he wanted EA but not PA) then our marriage would have been stronger and he would probably have never felt the urge to stray.
When I thanked him for the huge changes he was making he said 'I know I am putting the effort in now but to be honest it doesn't feel like work, or making an effort, just doing what I should have been doing all along - it feels right, natural and easy' or words to that effect anyway
I am to blame too for our problems, I have to admit that. I have bipolar and was on an anti depressant for years that helped but killed my sex drive. I told my gp many times the lack of sex was going to cost me my marriage but they kept saying my mental health was more important. It kills me that H stayed and coped with a sexless marriage for so long and then when I came off them and told him my sex drive was returning instead of rekindling things he went elsewhere.
My worst mistake was not the low sex drive but the fact I didn't try harder to get things going, I was too depressed. Also I felt it was mean to have hugs and kisses cos he would get worked up and I would just be numb and I hated leaving him frustrated or worse still going through with it when he could tell I was not aroused. It was a bad time.
Now I just wish he had hung on a few weeks as my sex drive came back pretty quickly. Probably about a couple of weeks before he had A. I was too shy to do anything about it though after so long a time. I wish I had now it might have stopped it before it started.
But then again maybe not, we will never know.
It has all just shown me how important communication is - both verbal and physical!
But I used to be JEALOUS of women who had drives to want sex more than once a week. I would think man, I wish I could be like that, but I'm just NOT.
Well, I *AM* and I love being that person now.
Sex begets sex, someone said that to me once, and it's true for us. If we go through a lull once we get started again, it's like GAME ON!
Once upon a time I'd have cringed at that.
Now, I curse "the curse!" ha.
I used to be the same, only really wanted sex after a night out and a few drinks. Then when I got ill it was all about managing my health and we had a few years of sex maybe a couple of times a year!! Before that we were going through infertility treatment so sex became mechanical.
I thought we had cracked it last year when I came off my meds and went hypomanic (mild mania) and hypersexual, my god that was an interesting few weeks lol. Sadly they put me back on my old meds and problems came back.
I don't put the improvement down to the A - no way! BUt I do put it down to falling in love again. I always loved H but with all my problems and the lack of sex he had stopped seeing me in a romantic way. My efforts to move on after the A have shown him how deeply I have always loved him and when he realised what he had done by his affair and nearly lost me well it woke him up to how much he still loves me.
I am hoping it will be a happily ever after DESPITE the affair.
We are at the 5 year mark from Dday, and I can honestly say our sex lives are better than ever. We used to average, one time a week, prior to Dday, and that was usually a come on hurry up I've got things to do type thing.
Now we have a much deeper bond, and better understanding of each other. I also kinda lost all inhibitions after dday, sort of a what do I have to loose attitude, which has opened the door to lots of fun things for us.
It can make healing a lot better when you can make that connection. It sure did for us. Yes in all relationships the passion waxes and wanes, it just seems that when it drops off doesn't last more than a week or two, and then we are back at it.
My teenagers, esp my daughter are grossed out by the affection we show each other. I tell her to be quiet, we could be screaming at one another, and creating totally dysfunctional people. I just get eye rolls.
When we reconnected in April 2012 things were different. Well, not the first time. The first time started with a hug in the kitchen and ended up with our clothes strung from the kitchen to the living room floor. It was like that for about a week. Then, it all changed. He took his time, was more loving. I enjoyed it more. Enough time had passed that I wasn't thinking about the baby that we wouldn't have. From April 2012 til he confessed about his A in Sept 2012 it was every day, usually 3 times a day. After he confessed, it was even more often. I sometimes say that I was like a dog marking my territory. After a couple months it went back to 2-3 times a day every day. In the last couple months we have slowed down to once a day every day, sometimes if we are lucky we get twice in a day. If our lives hadn't gotten so crazy busy with work and the kids we would still be going at it 3x a day.
It is so much more special now. Before it was really just sex. The emotional connection was lacking. Now, it is amazing.
As the original author of the renewed kissing thread I would love to respond to your post....
Before the A, sex for us was almost non existent. There were several reasons for this, many stemmed back to our earlier relationship as immature kids which my husband never felt were worth exploring. Well boy was he wrong....they were at the very base of my reasons for slowly not wanting sex at all. Feeling under appreciated, overworked, under helped around the house when the kids were small I started to feel that sex was just another chore I had to preform as a wife. It was worse if we had been out enjoying times with friends and had a few drinks. I never climaxed anymore, the enjoyment was all but finished for me. To say this was the BIGGEST reason for my H's A would be speaking the truth. We grew so apart that when he started having performance issues I could tell he blamed them on me.....or at least I projected that he blamed them on me. There was no love left in our coupling, there was no joy.....it was quite sad really because we had enjoyed a really incredible sex life for the first 10 years of our relationship. But those years were minus kids, mortgages, real jobs, real life. Add to this mess my current and ongoing body issues and you can probably get how bad things really got.
The A shock me to my very core and forced me to visit all of the reasons why our marriage had sagged far enough to afford my husband the feeling he deserved an A. Of course these issues came back into light full force. This time though hubby could not avoid finally dealing with them. He tried, oh he tried to say that we were too young and that I was just rehashing old crap that shouldn't matter anymore. Didn't I get the last laugh when these issues became my #1 reason for slowly backing away sexually. Now he listens intently...
Thankfully our incredible coupling skills have returned after being all but non existent for well over 20 years. No longer do I feel I am just servicing my husbands needs....I am enjoying the feelings we have been able to relight after finally dealing with our past mess. We also love staying together, joined as one, once we have finished. That to me is the most intimate part of the whole experience....to feel as one. Just touching my H kindly, lovingly can fuel my new inner fires and it is now he who isn't so sure of himself!!!!! His non performance issues have all but disappeared. He no longer rushes, he on longer needs to
I am saddened by all the time we have missed this part of our love and life. I will be forever grateful that we have found the tools to rediscover it. I don't plan to ever let it escape again.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
[This message edited by TxsT at 9:48 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]