It's like we are dating again but even better. He says it's cos he knows how close he came to losing me and has realised I am all he wants in the world now and it makes him frantic to be close.
So jealous...that's all I want from my WH...hoping we can get to where you are. we are at the point where i've nose dived off a cliff with my sex drive and he doesn't feel like he's "allowed to ask for anything sexual since he's the one who screwed up in the first place"
Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.
Yes your thread really made me think and that's why I started this one. Hope you don't mind me expanding on your original question.
Thanks for you response too, so pleased you have rediscovered a happy love life.
Staying together really is the best part
I hope you get there soon too
We have had plenty of times where I told him I hated him, could never let anyone touch me again, where sex was the last thing on my mind.
It's strange though, if he can get past my defences when I get angry like that and manages to hug me tight then I soon relax and feel better.
I did pursue a better sex life though, it was not always easy with mind movies etc but by avoiding some things and dedicating time to make other things more special it became easier.
I still have my 'don't touch me, don't even look at me!' days but they are getting fewer.
Strangely he has as many things he is uncomfortable with as me. For example he will know longer let me perform oral sex on him - he says' cos I know where it has been and it makes me uncomfortable. We found a way round that
when he touches me intimately I still flinch for the first few seconds as he did that to her.
Sex in a car is out until the day it happens naturally. Neither of us want to challenge that one.
I won't wear a skirt for him anymore, it's what she did. It used to be one of his fav things now it makes me cringe.
What I am bumbling over trying to say is it has not been easy but it's been worth finding ways round triggers and as Samanthabaker already said, sex begets more sex. I think that's really true and I am glad I pushed myself those first few times.
Good luck to you x
[This message edited by olwen at 10:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
The problem now is getting him in the mood and its frustrating. I've turned into this person who was ok with maybe once a week "boring" sex to a raging maniac!!! And poor H has to get up at 3 am to work and is tired a lot. My biggest hurt is that I bet it wasn't very hard to get in the mood for OW. Oh well, we talk about it a lot so maybe it will somehow sort itself out.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
HB started a week after DDay. Went strong for a full 18 months. At 18 months, H cried "uncle" and basically started calling time outs as he was too worn out and needed a break. So HB slowed from that point. Then he started having some ED just a few times, and it was all psychological (he was not dealing with his guilt and shame and it was manifesting in his penis apparently) so that significantly hampered things for us for a while.
H went to IC more, read more books, started really working on himself. Got over the ED. Sex really never returned to HB type stuff, but it is back to "normal". We do still do more than what we used to as far as bedroom moves and whatnot, but it's nothing like HB was. Sex is much more intimate now than it ever has been, but it's not mind blowing anymore (most of the time). It's still really good, don't get me wrong, but there could be more of it.
It really made a difference to us.
The other thing I think helps is actually discussing sex. Somehow the more we talked about it the more we wanted it. Might be worth a try??
Maybe it's his guilt holding him back? That happened to H a lot of the time. He felt so bad about what he had done that he took a while to relax into things and realise it actually helps us be closer.
He tends to make sex a lot more about me now and I think that's a lot to do with his desire to make it up to me.
How about a weekend away? We had a fab one in a honeymoon lodge in the middle of a forest, hot tub, four poster, total seclusion etc. We did it a bit too soon sadly and that's when HB ended. The first night and day - out of this world - then the rest of the weekend I was a blubbing wreck. Something like that might get him in the mood though, just a thought x
We enjoyed HB tremendously, but we have our new form of HB that I have termed "heightened bonding". We make sensuality and eroticism a daily part of our lives, and make time for an afternoon or evening filled with love making regularly, as well as regular sessions throughout the week. The big difference is the connection and how giving my H has become. He was fairly selfish in the past, and it always had to be initiated by him. Well, no more! He is all about my (multiple) pleasure and welcomes my advances.
It really helps us ride out the rollercoaster to have this way of connecting regularly.
Whether he is Christian or not, this is how God desires us to be around our wives. We are to guard our wives heart, cherish her, sacrifice for her, to love her, to honor her.
That^ is awesome.
But seriously? We have been doing 110% better in this area. I do think its still HB at this point but we went from once every few months (!!!) to 4 times a month in aug and twice this month so far. I also curse my "curse" now!
Before the PA we had started infertility treatment in 2009 so our sex was very mechanical, we even called it baby-making sex. Then we did 2 years of IVF and it got worse because it takes out the sex completely. I was depressed and frustrated and no longer ever got "in the mood". When I finally got pregnant in 2011 I was put on pelvic rest which meant no sex through my pregnancy. By the time I could have sex again we had a new baby to take card of and H felt neglected. Cue the PA!
Looking back on all of it now, we were so disconnected its no wonder our sex life suffered. We are slowly rebuilding that connection and I'm loving the closeness. I definitely find myself in the mood more often!
[This message edited by AML04 at 5:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
We experienced HB as well. It is now 3 months post DD.
Sex before DD was very formulaic. The same way, not much kissing-my fault.i have huge intimacy issues. He always wanted more intimacy in the bedroom.
DD was like an atomic bomb hitting the marriage. I woke the hell up and when the dust settled I could see how damaging my actions have been over the years and why he went to seek validation elsewhere during an extremely low point in the marriage...I too did the same thing...a ONS based on just as much false intimacy as his ONS.
How are things different now?
For the first time in my life I can actually look into a eyes while making love. I have never, ever been able to be this vulnerable with anyone.
I enjoy long passionate kissing with him...I have such regret for not embracing kissing during the entire time we have been married.
We enjoy making love 5-7 times a week instead of the standard one to two times per month.
We massage each other and hold each other and talk before and after.
He has, like others have written on here, ceased to use all pornography, nor does he masturabte...his sexual energy is all given to me, and I gladly reciprocate.
We have been through so much....infertility, mother enmeshment issues, intimacy issues, anger/resentment issues, abandonment issues...etc. we are both in IC and MC....I hope we can make it through and have something stronger than ever before someday despite the hurtful actions we have done to each other.
BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW!!!!!
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I cannot fathom why it is so much better now, but we are going with it!
I edit, therefore I am.
the one thing that has changed for me is that i don't necessarily keep quiet about my needs any more. he used to be the type to wham bam thank you mam but now he does make an effort to appease me whereas before he didn't.
The dying of that intimacy, that expression of our love, was the true tragedy of our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, DDay wasn’t a picnic or a walk in the park. But looking back right now, the killing of our intimacy was far worse.
Little by little, due to our problems, our inability or unwillingness to talk things out, our personal hells, our sex life died. For me to want to Do It, I had to be drunk to be daring enough to demand sex. He didn’t initiate ever, because he was so afraid of being denied. Due to both of our pre-martial issues, we just didn’t have the courage to face our demons and we let “there’s always tomorrow’ become our stock answer.
Meanwhile, to help himself feel wanted, he upped his porn use, then his chat room use, then registered on AFF, and ended up begging for sex on Pay Me sites. He literally screwed the first woman that agreed to have sex with him. And that was her only appeal she said yes and he thought that this would help him to feel wanted. Meanwhile, I was volunteering, stewing mentally, and withdrawing even further, feeling unwanted and unloved.
Now, it’s completely different. With one exception, it’s better than when we first got together. The one difference is his inability to completely O while on ADs. BUT, we both ask for what we want now. We’re both much more in tune with each other. We’re a hell of a lot more adventurous. And since it’s just the two of us, let us say that there are parts of the house that we have sought out to “explore.”
Many times, after we’ve made love, he’s become very emotional and told me that he doesn’t understand how he could have forgotten what we were to each other, what we could do to each other, and how MUCH lovemaking between the two of us was quality and quantity. I’ve given myself permission and have become multi-O. He’s learned exactly what I want and like, and has become QUITE the master of it! Our renewed love live has been God’s own blessing for the two of us. And I hope and pray for the day that he can come off of ADs, because frankly, I want to feel him completely lose himself in me with a booming, all out O. And drive him into another one.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by olwen at 9:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]