I figured out something this morning. As my WBF and I were laying in bed, we went to hug each other. Just as I was allowing myself to get lost in that feeling of him holding me, I felt the sadness creep in, as it always does. It's the same thing that happens as we start to make love, or kiss, or send silly messages, or just about anything sweet and only supposed to be between us...
Only today, I realized why. Every kiss, every hug, every intimate moment... I am hit with the realization that it's possibly not where he wants to be. I feel like I'm a "fill in". I feel used. I feel like I'm what's available... and it takes away everything sweet and exciting and special, and replaces it with self loathing on my part.
This feeling of being used, and settled for is unbearable. How can we ever believe them, when they say this is where they want to be? That we are the ONLY one they want? Because we know they lie, and that when we heard those words before, they were also with another.
The W sits there and wonders how they can make things better. And maybe in many cases they actually do only want to be right there in our arms. But how can we ever believe that again? Seriously? If we were disposable, and tossed aside for some other model, aren't we now having to live in some fantasy world, to believe them again, after all they've done?
It wasn't a fantasy to believe in my relationsip. To believe in the man I love, and who claimed he loved and only wanted me, and would always be true to me. So now, after we know without a sliver of a doubt, that they lied to us, didn't want JUST us... aren't we now going to have to live in a fantasy, to survive this, if we want to R?
How do we ever truly feel that hug, kiss, or moment, is truly 100% the only moment he wants, and I'm the only one he 100% is with, in his heart and mind???
I SOOOOO want to get lost in those moments again. But all I end up feeling is unsure of him, used, and pathetic