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User Topic: What have I done?
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was here for 24 hours this weekend. He flew back to where he was working yesterday. While he was traveling, I logged into his Facebook to do a bit of trust but verify. As soon as he got off the plane, he started texting me very angrily about logging into his FB and any chance of R (we had talked more about that when he was here) is now off the table. This was all over text. I was getting very emotional and feeling like I was on tr verge of losing it. I told him that I would get a lawyer this week and he should communicate with me through my attorney from that point on. Why did I do that? I don't want that.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have every right to check his FB. Why does he think it's okay for him to fly off the handle at you? Is he not the one who broke your trust? Should he not be doing everything in his power to rebuild that trust, including being completely transparent? I don't mean to come across as harsh, but reading this really pissed me off for you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but maybe you getting a lawyer will convince him to actually put in the effort that is required to fully R.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1136 | Registered: Jul 2012
pmal64
♀ Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no.
what has HE done?

what has your H done to fix this?
I am not familiar with your story- but if he is trying to reconcile- are his actions matching his words? you cannot try to reconcile with someone who does not want to reconcile... he will think you are a doormat and walk right over you and continue his A.
hugs honey!


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((freelancer)))

I know it hurts like hell right now. But stop and take a step back.

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Transparency in all things is essential in a relationships ability to R. If he can't even stand for you to look at his FB he is hiding stuff.

You were actually quite strong, and did the right thing when he responded horribly. You should be proud of that. He is showing you that he wants to R as long as he doesn't have to change one damn thing. Is it worth having him to have him, and not trust him, and to have him and let him abuse you (this flying off the handle, and making you feel so guilty, and horrible is a form of abuse because it changes who you are, and makes you question what is right).

Perhaps having him served will really wake him up. If not did you want to share him anyway?

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.

You are only trying to make yourself feel safe. That is what you need to do.

He was wrong in turning it on you. He is wrong for not understanding that you need this and so much more.

I understand when you blame yourself, thinking that you ruined it. I did the same thing over and over. If only, I had done this or why did I say that.

It makes no difference, you have to do whatever is right for you. It is such a hard concept to grasp, I understand.

It is so hard to really understand that you do not have control over the situation. To realize that you can only control your actions, it is so very hard.

When my h left, I agonized over every word and action. Believed that somehow if I did the right thing, said the right words he would understand, recognize what he was doing, love me again.

It just doesn't work that way. Now I understand, but when you want to R so badly, it is hard to see the truth of it. You must put yourself first, you must protect you, you must be ready to walk away. It seems so counterintuitive.

H and I have talked about this, I have asked him now, recently. He has said to me that nothing I did had any influence on him at the time, positive or negative. That he had to come to the realization on his own that R is what he wanted.

I know how badly this hurts. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself the way you would if it were your daughter going though this, say to yourself the things you would say to her.

You deserve love, respect, honesty.

I hope in some way this helps. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was a magic potion to take all the hurt away.

PM if you would like, if I could help in any way.

I could hear your pain and relate so well to it.

I am by no means an expert, I still have my daily struggles and am not even sure where this journey will end for me. I just needed to reach out to you.

((((freelancer))))


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1336 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He obviously doesnt realize that he needs to be transparent and allow you to do WHATEVER you need to do to feel safe. This is how a betrayed spouse heals and begins to trust again.

He is being a selfish ass! He earned this new way of life....

(((freelancer)))

[This message edited by Dawnie at 8:36 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, the X used to rail at me for checking on him (phone, email, facebook). Guess what? He was still ass deep in the A; had taken it underground.

His reaction was not one of a remorseful spouse in search of reconciliation. It was the reaction of a lying, gaslighting, cake-eating dickhead.

Your reaction was spot on. I know deep down you do not want a D, but do you really want to be M to what he has become?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have contacted 10 law offices today and am waiting to hear back. I don't know if I can do this.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can, and you will survive. Do you have a close friend, or family member that can come help you through this?
Take them with you to the lawyers too. It helps to have a second set of eyes and ears there.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey you did nothing wrong. Not one single thing.

Do you have any kind of support system? Someone who can come to you or you go to them?? You really need to be with someone today - maybe even tomorrow.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
freelancer
♀ Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have anyone here. I am 3000 miles from my family.


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie YOU DID nothing wrong!!! He is still cheating or plans on it.
What an ass control freak too!
Be glad he is gone. Who needs that crap! Really he doesn't get it. Until he does file for a divorce and fine yourself a happy place in life. Maybe plan on moving back 3000 miles where you came from???


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know WHY you did it, Freelancer?

I'll tell you why.

Because you actually have to NUMBER the amount of OW he's had while you've been with him, down in your signature line.

THAT'S why.

He doesn't like it?

Too damned bad. He's lucky you still even talk to him, to be honest.

Get tough.

Stop crying, stop begging, stop apologizing, stop bargaining, and stop looking for his approval in everything you do.

He should be kissing your feet that you've forgiven him multiple times for his crap behavior, not telling YOU what to do.

I repeat. Get tough. Call a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:54 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((freelancer)))

He is so wrong.

There is a reason he acted so angry and defensive. There is something he doesnt want you to know.

If he was truly remorseful, your logging into his account would be nothing. In fact, why the hell should he even still have it?

I'm sorry your so far from family and have no one to help you.

Get to that lawyer. Know your rights. I'm sorry Freelancer, i know what it feels like to want R so badly. You cant make him want it as badly as you do.

I know your grief, i've been there as well. Cool off on him, let him know your serious. R should not be on his terms. You are giving the great gift, not him.

hugs Freelancer,,,,
stay strong


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was the one who caused this.

You logging into his FB should not be anything for him to flip out at you about. Exactly what was hiding in there?

It should be YOU calling the shots of R, not him.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ef that (((freelancer))) you absolutely did nothing wrong.

Being able to check on their FB, email, twitter, LinkedIn, cell phones, phone bills, are all par for the course post DDay if you are attempting R. You cannot even attempt R without it.

I'm sorry your WH is still hiding things from you and does not want to relinquish his control.

You cannot control him unfortunately but you can do something about it and for yourself and it sounds like you are on the right road with the appt's with lawyers.

Also check out the 180 and implement immediately so you can start to detach from him.

I'm so sorry


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad everyone here agrees. WWS sometimes want to have control and so they threaten the relationship. Call his bluff! You did NOTHING wrong. You have every right to protect your home, your marriage and your sanity. He should be VOLUNTEERING his FB account to you.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

The only time during course of R that my FWH got mad I did this is because he was still hiding something from me. Now, he's a truly remorseful and good FWH, he even SHOWS me his facebook when he friends a woman for any reason and asks if it's ok.

Follow through your lawyer talk. He doesn't want R anymore, decision made. Do the 180.

HUGS your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hug (((((freelancer)))))
Why did I do that? I don't want that.
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

I read some of your other threads, and you are under an incredible amount of stress from WH's expectations that R should not be so hard. Like others have said, it it probable that he is keeping up the A type behaviors.

Why did you do that? I said things like that when I was maxed out and wanted "some" caring reaction from my FWH. On one hand I desperately wanted the pain to end (hence thinking about D) and on the other hand I wanted to shock FWH into realizing what is happening to the M, and doing something on his side to save it.

Good that you contacted lawyers. If at any point your WH decided to really dig into R, and he is meeting all your expectations for real R, you can always stop the D.

Do you have family you can move closer to so you won't be all alone with your children all the time.

Also, can you hold down nutrition drinks? If you are passing out, not eating is not setting well with you. Drinking something loaded with vitamins will be easier than eating.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 19

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