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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: two things that are disturbing me (today)
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just looking for some feedback on how to handle these.

First, yesterday during MC, h said ow name, for the first time in front of me. I have always referred to her by an obscenity. Not very mature but it was a way of expressing anger. I have since evolved to calling ow her.

I hate to hear her name, it seems to be a big trigger for me. Hearing him say it was like a stab wound. I got the whole physical reaction, nauseated, dizzy, rapid heart, sweating, I could hear him say it to her. We didn't deal with it at the time as other things seemed to take over. Will talk with IC this week about it.

Anyways, I made it clear in a text to h how it makes me feel, what it does to me.

He brought it up last night. He believes that it is important for me to deal with this now. To become comfortable with it.

I think that there are so many other triggers that I cannot avoid, his truck, his phone, places, too many to list that why should I have to deal with one that I can avoid. Obviously I may hear her name randomly, by others, other people have the same name but must I hear him say it? Is it really for my benefit now? Must I deal with it before I feel ready? If it causes such an extreme reaction, would it hurt for me to put it off?

Second, I still check emails, not consistently but his Hotmail pops up on the laptop if I move the cursor incorrectly. This morning, it popped up and I saw an email from a man that is a bit older, was very supportive of our R. It was titled "the white butterfly". I clicked on it, thinking it was some sort of inspirational quote or story. As I scrolled down it was a photo of a woman with white butterfly underwear with strategic cut outs, very graphic.

I was offended, first because it triggered the porn history, second because it was opened on Monday and h did not delete. He deletes his junk mail everyday.

I will talk to him about it tonight when he gets home. I feel like I would like to send a reply email to enlighten this man as to the inappropriateness of his email and to please avoid in the future.

Any thoughts on either of these items would be appreciated. I always wonder if I am overreacting, being too sensitive. I wish that I could just have that sense of what is right. I am working on it but I still seem to second guess myself, it is so new to me to express my feelings of disrespect. To ask for anything, I always fear I am being irrational.

It is an internal battle for me but I will not give up. I seem to understand the concept but the details still confuse me.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: the email - WTF? Totally out of line for him to send. H needs to send a clear cease and desist letter for that kind of stuff.

As for triggers, for me it is healthier to feel them and move on. I, too, hate to hear the APs name, but it gets easier with time. Our MC purposefully has H use her name.

I think it is, in general, not healthy to just avoid triggers. Think about reclaiming the ones that you can. You can handle those feelings - they aren't real.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you bionicgirl,

Maybe it was such a strong reaction because it was the first time he said her name in front of me. It was such a terrible sensation, it was as if I could see him, hear him, say it to her, along with all the visuals that accompanied it. I have a very visual imagination. Way too graphic. I seem to think in pictures and then translate it into words. My IC says it is part of my gifts, I am an artist, I have always thought in pictures. It was always a benefit before, but now it seems to cause a lot of pain.

I was really disturbed by the email. It helps to have my feelings affirmed. I sometimes wonder if I am being prudish, overly sensitive.

Then I remember all of h's justification about the porn. I felt uncomfortable but pushed it away. Now I believe myself, in retrospect of course, it was way over the top, it was a problem, it wasn't me.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on the triggers. In a nanosecond I am transported back to the event. Remember all triggers aren't bad, we each can recall with a song where we were in our life and feel good. For me the painful triggers need to be acknowledged and understood with empathy.
That acknowledges the action that resulted in the consequence of BS pain. I didn't cause it, yet I am in pain as a result. I don't want to hear justification, excuses or minimizing. Period. I need to feel WS acceptance I am in pain through result of WS reckless behavior


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cant......had a very similar reaction this past weekend. For the first time in a year my husband used his AP's name in a sentence and just its presence their made me worried he still felt something for her. I didn't realize how much until I read this post. I think it was the way he said it, softly and almost protectively. I am sure it was delivered in that manner because he was scared to actually speak it in my presence. I guess I will have to address it if the feeling doesn't go away.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, the name thing. It's bad enough that the last prostitute's name is Wendy. It's also the name of my brothers gf. I had to tell my wh just this weekend that if he stops to eat at Wendy's (the fast food restaurant), it would be a good idea for him to tell me he went to McDonalds. Whenever he said "and then I went to Wendy's ...", my mind would obviously leap to the wrong place.

One of the prostitutes has the same name as my nephew's mom, and another has the same name as my nephew's wife.

I mean, geez, usually prostitutes have ridiculous made-up names. Why did these ones go by common names?


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your WH is a bit out of line telling you what YOU need to be comfortable with. If you don't want him to ever say her name,he should understand and respect that. Why would you NEED to ever be ok with her name..or anything about her?

The buddy that sent the porn? He knows you are in R,and is aware of your WH's issues..yet he sent porn? Yeah..sorry...that man is not a friend of the marriage..and he has shitty boundaries. I think it was an incredibly disrespectful thing to do to you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heres my take on the name thing.

You have a million triggers to deal with. Eventually, you will have to deal with this one. But does it have to be now?? No, it doesn't. If hearing her name makes your skin crawl...then you are completely and totally within your rights to ask him NOT to use her name. When you are ready to face this trigger head on then do it...at YOUR pace, in YOUR time, NOT your WH's. That day does not have to be today.

Ok...now, the porn thing....

ummmmm, what the hell??? A "friend" who is "supportive of R" sending your WH porn???? Not cool, man. so not cool. not acceptable. not right. However i will say this...i think it is your WH's responsibility to call his friend out on it. Your WH should set the boundaries with this friend and make it very clear to him what is acceptable and what isn't and WHY (because its disrespectful to you and your marriage)


I do not feel that you are over reacting, being irrational or overly sensitive.

I wish that I could just have that sense of what is right. I am working on it but I still seem to second guess myself, it is so new to me to express my feelings of disrespect.

You have it. Its in there. Set it free and embrace it. The fact that he got this email from his friend and that it bothered you shows that you have it. You are starting to discover your boundaries...you are starting to discover what you will and wont tolerate. Don't let anyone tell you what is right for you. You are starting to discover in your gut what is right for you. Go with it. be bold, be brave and accept what you need and nothing less. empower yourself.

hugs to you!!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with confused615, why does he need to tell you what you should be comfortable with. If you no longer wish to hear her name I am sure all of you can agree on a name that suits the situation. Why not just say "her"?

I say MOW's name more than WH does and he HATES to hear it. He always asks me to not bring her name up in our house anymore. I use "her" now unless I am really angry.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 38736
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has the same name as my niece. I will not EVER say that name again. I call my niece sweetie, honey, or the like. Our DSs know not to ever say that name in my presence. FWH knows not to EVER say that name within my hearing. FWH desecrated our niece's name when he chose an AP with the same name. I refuse to apologize for refusing to use that name.

3boys


BW-47
FWH-54
M-28yrs
DS-24,DS-20,DS-14,DGS-10mon,DGS-5mon.
MOW-holier-than-thou Christian whore
2 yr EA, 2-3 mon PA
Dday-10/10/2009
R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly, before DDay, my WS referred to OW as "the *hore". After he DDay, he has only called her by her name.

It used to bother me. I thought he was using her name because she was important or special to him now. That may be the case... But I personally started using her name after DDay because she played an important role in my life and happiness. I feel like if I continue to call her by our nickname, then I'm not fully acknowledging the effect she had on me. I don't know, maybe I'm weird.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrowbehindsmile speaks wisdom....

I think BS have to process through the entire event that is adultery within our marriages....but it comes at your pace.

For me, my wifes AP name is almost as common as adultery in America today. I work with 4 guys with that same name...so I hear it a lot. It still reminds me of the A, but hardly makes me stop....

With regards to the email....even before the A I had to tell buddies to stop sending such emails to me. Since the A, and my personal journey away from porn of any kind, I find this type of temptation to have no place in a healthy marriage. Really, no place in a healthy persons life....and that is a VERY different stance from me.

gently...., try not to ramp this email up into a big deal. It IS a big deal to your marriage, but I don't think your friend is fully aware of how destructive his actions are....not excusing his behavior. But like you pointed out...BS have so much to process and only so much energy...we need to prioritize what battles we fight.

However, it is conversation worthy material. Might be a good idea to suggest to your husband he let this friend know that images and emails like that have no place in his life and to please stop sending them. Might be a better idea to ask him how he felt receiving this email from his friend first....if it differs from your idea, try and find a constructive, non judgmental way of working the conversation to a satisfactory conclusion.

If he is a true friend of the marriage he will stop immediately with no follow up conversation about it.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:37 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your WH is a bit out of line telling you what YOU need to be comfortable with. If you don't want him to ever say her name, he should understand and respect that. Why would you NEED to ever be ok with her name..or anything about her?

I totally agree with Confused on this one.

I write. Often not well but my imagination is pretty awesome so like you, I experienced the same physical reaction to hearing him say HER NAME. when discussing the A. I have 7 friends on fb with the same name including my neighbour. It does not bother me when I say their name or when he says their name. They are my friends. She is not.

When we speak of the AP we call her the, AP. There are lots of triggers to manage. Let's start with the biggiee shall we?....having sex! Why I have to hear him say her name in discussion about the A, is not a trigger I need to deal with.

I think this is a fair request.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and what blake said about the email from the friend.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand why you are upset.

The name thing- it makes it real and also shows a level of familiarity that is upsetting.

So much easier if the WH refers to her as the OW.

I got the same 'pang' of pain early on after d-day when in one conversation my FWH referred to the OW by saying something about about having a 'lover'.

Up until then he was desperately trying to get me to agree to R and was telling me how much he loved me etc. And that the OW meant nothing to him. That he did not love her.

And I know he just used the term interchangeably with OW-but, it stung.


As for the porn pic email from a friend of his.
I so get that too.
My demands after d-day include no porn-ever.
But, like you , I did stumble upon emails sent by a few of his friends that I was not comfortable with.
We discussed it. He was reluctant to make a big deal of it with them.
So... I suggested that a good way to get them to stop would be to ignore them totally.
When an inappropriate pic was sent he should not comment on it at all and definitely not send it on to any other friends.
My theory is that after awhile the friends will get the message.Ironically, one of these friends often sends very spiritually uplifting emails etc.
I suggested focusing on those and responding only to those.

Hopefully,in the future your WH will refer to the OW as 'her' or 'she'.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm so I actually right and say the hos name all the time.. In fact my H cringes at the sound.. But it pisses me off that he doesn't hate her or call her names.. He doesn't say anything. He says she's out if his mind and detests the A and what it did.. I guess I like to hear the hatred in my voice when I say her name.. It seems to substantiate the names I call her in conjunction with her name..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm so I actually right and say the hos name all the time.. In fact my H cringes at the sound.. But it pisses me off that he doesn't hate her or call her names.. He doesn't say anything. He says she's out if his mind and detests the A and what it did.. I guess I like to hear the hatred in my voice when I say her name.. It seems to substantiate the names I call her in conjunction with her name..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never say her name and I have asked my H to never say it either. It is not a common name so I usually do not have to hear it used very often. We use a rhyme of her name to identify her. We call her Hagrid , or shorten it to Hag.

You should get the call on this. If you can not handle this right now he should respect it. Find an agreeable substitute name. What difference should it make to your H? You do not have to make nice conversation to her or even regard her at all.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you had to go through that when hearing her name.

1) he doesn't get to tell you what you need to be comfortable with. I have to say that I would occasionally say her name or call her an obscenity, but I prefer to reduce her to what she is - affair partner or other woman. I like affair partner. And my WH found it really helpful to do that as well. He actually broached the subject, saying that he wanted to call her that too. It seems to depersonalize her (could be anyone, could have been anyone, so true right?), and emphasize the aspect of their relationship that is most salient for my recovery and our reconciliation. She is not a lovely multifaceted person by the name of x. She is the AP.

2) the porn email- I come from a different place here than most. My WH email is secured, and he could get in a ton of trouble for receiving and transmitting images Ike that. (So the sexting of the A was REALLY STUPID). I don't regularly address things me this. I am most bothered by the lack of conversation. I would have a "don't delete until you show to me and we discuss" policy. Bring this u o. I also like what Blake said about your H contacting sender and asking him to stop sending things like this. This is great practice of your WH in boundaries, and healthy husband behavior.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 5:57 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland,

There is no OW namecalling in the R forum.

Please stick to the guidelines.

Thank you.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37981 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 20

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