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Newest Member: StillHurtingHer (45319)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To confront the OM or not to confront. How?
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so since D-Day my wife and I have been in recovery, going to MC and IC. She has observed NC with OM. Recently however, she told me that someone keeps calling her phone and will not leave a message. This morning, I called him from an alternate number and discovered it was the OM. He changed his phone number.

My wife's A had ended in late May 2013. I had full discovery on August 20th. During the discovery process, I found the NC letters written to the OM as she broke off the relationship - literally telling him to "fuck off or face death." This guy changed his number and has been trying to contact her daily for the past week.

He doesn't realize it was me who contacted him through the other number. We are in the process of changing HER phone number as I write this.

The question is - do I confront him? Do I tell him to leave her and us alone? Or do I simply change her phone number and not bother? I'm afraid that if I met him - and I did meet him in different pretense before discovery - it would get physically violent.

Should I call or text the guy? If I change her number does it even matter?

Please any help and support is appreciated. I don't want to repeat mistakes that some of you have had. I'm grateful that I have the support of BS community here.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would phone, in as friendly voice as I can muster under the circumstances and tell him he'd had his fun and caused significant damage to the marriage. Now is the time to stop this harassment and vanish from your lives. Forever.

Any further attempted contact will invoke legal action.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion if she is feeling harassed by him then I would look into a restraining order. She had already sent him a NC letter stating to leave her alone and he isn't. I wouldn't meet with him for the simple reason that you stated - it might turn violent. He's not worth going to jail for. A restraining order might be the way to go. If anything, get advice from your police department. They will guide you in the best course of action.

Good Luck


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets is probably the best advise but below is what I would do.

First, change your wife's phone number. Then I would buy a different cheap phone with a different number. I would have your wife call the number he is calling from with a short message, something like this "I know it is you that is calling me, call me back at this number". Then I would have the VM set up on the different phone to be just for him telling him to stay the F away and if he tries again in any way to break NC you are going to the police to file harassment. That way it should hopefully devastate him that your wife worked with you against him and he gets his final clear warning that it is over or you are going to the police if he continues to harass. There is the chance he picks up when your wife leaves the VM - if he does don't say anything. Call again later when you get his VM. When your done, throw the extra phone away.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goes he have a wife or a girlfriend? if so..call them and tell them he is breaking NC. That usually stops them from fishing.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had a GF, I don't know who she is or how to get a hold of her. He is NOT married. He is single and tried to substitute my family for the one he lost - he lost any rights to see his daughter in family court from his former girlfriend, the mother of his daughter. He is pathetic and disgusting.

I'm open to hearing from Wayward Spouses or WS's what would scare them off, without using violence. Please let me know.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change your wife's number and hope that he gets the message and that settles it. If he continues to harass her after that, then you need to take action and will (presumably) have additional evidence that he does not intend to disappear.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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