Years ago a friend who is a pharmacist told me he would not work in a hospital or allow his wife to work in a hospital. When I asked why, he told me the long hours created a comradely that led to EAs. He said the few months he worked in a hospital were enough to convince him that hospitals were all little Peyton Places. (Peyton Place is a dated reference, but this conversation took place years ago)
For some reason that discussion popped into my mind this morning. My WW was an adjunct professor at a university in Atlanta. Lots of long hours, meetings, and an ‘us against the world’ attitude among the professors and adjuncts. Almost a club which excluded outsiders including spouses. There is nothing worse than being around a faculty ‘get together’. Lots of attitude if you don’t have a PhD, insider jokes and comments that the spouses don’t understand, all types of things that seemed to exclude outsiders from ‘the clique’.
I suspect the same type of attitude and environment exists among teachers at the elementary and high school levels, law enforcement officers, and others.
If you had a wayward spouse that had an affair with a co-worker, what was their profession?
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
[This message edited by newlysingle at 10:31 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
With that said, I never had an affair with a co-worker. I don't think it so much the environment, but what is missing in the person that cheats and their lack of boundaries. I saw that the ones that did cheat set themselves up for that to happen. Did I ever have the opportunity to cheat?? Of course I did. It was my own boundaries and integrity that told my co-workers that I was not available for that kind of "friendship". I made it very clear that I loved my spouse and he was #1 on my priority list.
There are many stressful careers out there. It is up to the spouse to draw the line, set the boundaries, and put their spouse above everything else. If they find themselves drawn to someone it is up to them to see what is missing in themselves and their marriage and fix it IMO.
I work in politics. Whose zooming who is a frequent topic of discussion. Distasteful but necessary.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Grain of salt here because it dips into the generalization area.
After thinking about this for a while, know the industry a little, here is my take:
A's can happen anywhere. That said, there are certain variables that provide fertile ground for them. Hospital and Clinic offer the following in that regard:
1) Late/odd hours - this helps with hiding and distance from family unless well maintained.
2) Huge power differentials. You have people with 10 years post high school education working with people who only have few.
3) High emotion jobs, personal topics discussed.
4) Dedicated professionals with a high commitment level.
5) Lots of training, evening hours and events with co-workers.
6) Money. A lot of well paid people who can easily hide a few hundo for a night out and in a hotel for a few hours.
7) The sear size of the industry. It everywhere and tons of people who in it.
This is not a rip on the industry. I look at it as not being the people, but the environment which can breed bad behavior.
At the end of the day individuals make choices and should be held accountable. My W is in the field, I don't think it's the industry but her choices that caused her infidelity.
I taught in the language department (so hard-core humanities person), while they were both in the business school. He was dean, she was assistant dean. They had so much to talk about that her BH and I could not relate to. Even when we would get together as couples, they would yammer on and on about work, leaving her BH and me out of the conversation. And could they talk! I remember several times when her BH (a lawyer) and I would just look at each other in dismay. They made it hard to break in. It was as though her BH and I did not exist.
When OW and WH first met, she had an MBA. OW went on to get her PhD with substantial help from WH. She didn''t understand statistics very well and they used to meet every month or so to work on it. At one point, she got angry because WH would not just tell her the answer to something, but made her reason it out for herself! Hey, OW, I got my degree by doing my own work. So did FWH. She then felt inferior about her degree because it was from a somewhat less-prestigious school than FWH's or mine! What she really needs to feel inferior about is not doing her own work.
Tiredandconfused, I think that our posts prove that having a PhD shows only that you can be smart in a certain field, but really, really stupid about life.
(Edited to correct spelling errors. Thanks a bunch, iPad!)
[This message edited by SadFlower at 11:04 AM, September 10th, 2013 (Tuesday)]
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
His current EA he is a truck driver, as is she. Before I found out about the EA we would talk regularly on the phone, but there is only so much to talk about when your spouse is on the road 5 days a week! They are able to keep up with each others crazy hours, as oppose to me being asleep at 3am, because I am at home taking care of our 4 year old!
The A happened because of the time they spent together, poor boundaries, low self esteem, ego boosting, and aggressive pursuit. They developed an "us against the world" emotional connection that set them up as a couple to begin the EA.
I think this dynamic can be present in any profession that requires close interaction between the sexes. How they deal with it is the difference between having an A or going home with your marriage intact.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I think the work place does help the A happen.
My WH and the OW worked in a building together alone all day. Their supervisor never checked on them and their break room locked, and had a couch in it...so it thats not screaming cheat on your spouses I dont know what does. It did help that the OW was a desperate pathetic whore.
I hated that the skankface was paid to hang out with my husband. Why do work when you can snuggle up to your manager.
A person who will cheat will cheat regardless of their profession - be it the healthcare field or sanitation engineer.
Just as I wouldn't cheat regardless of my profession.
2nd A was a co-worker.
I believe it's all in what's available.
My WH works as a mechanic. He mostly works with men- an occasional woman here or there, but that person is usually at thr front desk and doesn't interact with the men a lot.
I used to work for a bigger healthcare organization, and there seemed to be a lot of inter-office dating that happened. For some reason between nurses and the x-ray techs. Not sure why, that that combo seemed to happen a lot.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I later learned that there were a high numbers of A's at the hospital ..
BUT... his workplace &work hours had little to do with the A.. It was 2 very unhappy, lost people looking for someone to make them fell good....
[This message edited by philly172 at 1:28 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
My H worked with OW for 9 years - and didn't start the affair until after those 9 years of working together. They were older -she wasn't happy in her marriage and was looking for someone to "take her away from everything" and he wasn't happy with himself or where he was in his career and needed an ego boost.
Enter technology, emails which turned flirty (harmless jokes) which turned to texts which turned to phone calls which led to "hey, lets get together" and the rest is history.
I think they both thought having an affair was the best solution to their problems.
That can happen in any profession.
A few years later I went to work for the same company and once again dad warned me to be careful. My WH freaked out when I worked with the OM in a workplace A. WH was close friends with the BS in that situation. I laughed. I was very aware of boundaries to protect my marriage. I was more than a little amused as it was the first time my WH showed even a hint of jealousy. 11 years later WH had an A with the company whore. He was warned away from her because of her reputation. It was like a bee to honey.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA