They typically only see one side, they donít see what some of us are doing
It doesn't really matter...they aren't your BS. They are speaking and sharing their struggles about their own situations.
I'm pretty sure it would upset you to read on a thread that you were forbidden to post on about how foggy and stupid the WS's on this site were. So instead of passing judgment on them, focus on your own BS and what you can do to help her heal.
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:01 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Is it hard to read those forums? Yeah sometimes. If I'm down or dealing with a trigger, I don't find encouragement by reading "That filthy, nasty, lying, whore of a home wrecking pig!" Kind of posts. I know they aren't talking about me personally. Its their WS, and the AP they are tormented by. But they still get to me sometimes. That's when I back out and remember who my BS is and what I'm doing for us. Kwim?
Are there some BS that write off all cheaters? Maybe. That's their choice. But I'll tell you something. The most precious, amazing friends that I've made here, are BSs. Who'da thunk?
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
Sometimes when I see a harsh post from a BS, I would immediately get defensive. But I am teaching myself to step back and take myself and my own feelings out of it. Sometimes I'll read that person's profile, and get a feeling for their story. Or I will pause, take a breath, and then I reread it, but this time, not as a WS; just as another human being. This is hard to do, but its helped me come a long way, especially when dealing with my BS's emotions.
Anger isn't a primary emotion. It's the byproduct of much deeper feelings.
[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 9:13 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
I think it's pretty F-ing amazing that the betrayed spouses posting here will take even a minute to post to a WS. They have their own pain to deal with yet they still try to help. Sit with that thought for a minute or two.
It's that kind of empathy and kindness in spite of their personal pain that makes SI so special.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
I sometimes feel they are looking through a set of bitterness glasses they canít see the good
You *think* some of the BS here see through bitterness glasses. And so what if they do? What's it to ya?
My point is: what do you *feel* when you read those "negative" posts? Do you feel shame, anger, sadness...? Identify your feelings, and then instead of shifting the responsibility for them onto anonymous SI'ers, take ownership.
Thanks to everyone here, mods/admin and members alike, this is probably the safest and best place on the web to get infidelity support for both sides of the fence.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
I sometimes feel they are looking through a set of bitterness glasses they canít see the good.
If every BS on this forum were to flip me the bird and tell me I'm a fraud...yeah? So? They aren't my BS. My BS, my actions, and our healing as a couple is all that matters.
(No offense to any of the BSs here. Just trying to make a point.)
Sure, we can ignore it and not take it personally. But I do see it.
The key is to stay focused on the task at hand, and not only repairing the damage caused, but also looking within to see what caused us to go there in the first place. Regardless of what BS's are saying on this site about their own respective WS's, or what other WS's are doing or not doing, we have to forge our own path to being healthy, and at times it does feel akin to swimming upstream. It can be done though.
Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.