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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Choose Discomfort over Resentment
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we also need to factor in our "motivation" in such choices as well.

If you are choosing the discomfort because you believe you have a remorseful, empathetic WS, and you want to R wholeheartedly, and are doing this to strengthen the M, or to move through a trigger to make life easier for both, or what have you, but then a year or two or three down the road, the WS cheats again, or proves they were not remorseful, or some such thing, then you could still have resentment over the incident you choose "discomfort over resentment" imo. You took the risk for the M, for the WS, what have you and now those things are no longer what you thought you were taking a risk for, choosing the discomfort for.

If the choice is done with the motivation of the self though, self healing irregardless of the M or the growth of the WS, then there would probably not be resentment if the WS were to cheat again, or the M to dissolve.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing discomfort vs. resentment works if the WS is truly remorseful, emotionally intelligent and empathetic

Hey ak, good to hear from you. Well....I guess I am just not that person anymore. My H is the WS you write about - the model WS - but if he was not? I just couldn't NOT say it bc I would end up resenting me. I feel as if the A freed me in some way. Soon after D-Day I started taking better care of myself - this included opening up. Getting back to who I was years ago.

On another note....I kept my mouth shut were my MIL was concerned not wanting to upset her. For years (and years) she went on about my FIL, his A and their divorce. I listened and listened as she made one excuse after another. After 15 years I wanted to say, "MIL, I love and I love FIL. I am sorry he hurt you but you are now hurting me and your kids with this never ending tirade. I just cannot listen to it anymore. Please stop!"

I did not say that bc it was too uncomfortable. I felt it was not my place. I built up great resentment towards her which I then spewed on my H which eventually wore on him (in addition to his mom wearing on him). We were definitely in this zone when the A started. This resentful, angry place with no one talking.

Can't do that anymore no matter how the person on the other end will react to it.

Does this make sense?

Chicho - you are right. We need a worse case scenario plan.

((SS1)) for you.

Thanks all for your Brene Brown info.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2438 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are choosing the discomfort because you believe you have a remorseful, empathetic WS, and you want to R wholeheartedly, and are doing this to strengthen the M, or to move through a trigger to make life easier for both, or what have you, but then a year or two or three down the road, the WS cheats again, or proves they were not remorseful, or some such thing, then you could still have resentment over the incident you choose "discomfort over resentment" imo

We are going to the conference bc its a wonderful op to experience an incredible place together. Would we still be going if she was not attending? Of course!

I can't stay home bc she is there. I am showing up for my life from here on out.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2438 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies. I wasn't clear. Choosing discomfort vs. resentment works for me, works for you. However, If your WS isn't remorseful, emotionally intelligent, and empathetic, our discomfort, our expressing ourselves so that we don't feel resentful, etc. leads to their resentment of having to hear it. Been there, experiencing it.

All we can do is be as healthy as we can and it either works for the couple, or it doesn't.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for clarifying alpha, I am wondering....do you regret saying/doing what you needed to do even tho it resulted in your H feeling resentment?

Also, I love your location!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2438 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovedyourmore-
I can't believe OW ruined Brene Brown for you! That is low.

Of course, we all have our lists. I heard someone say Khalil Gibran was ruined for them. For me it was just drunk, melancholy singer-songwriters, and --oh, friends.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2056 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I regret saying it? Not particularly.
i've learned that with an emotional tadpole it is rather pointless, either way. It's just a bunch of words with no meaning to them.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cool additions ak...thank you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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