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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sad...
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their affair started last year at work through texts then escalated. I could have easily gotten them in trouble especially as he outranks her, but I was fighting so hard to save this marriage, and failing epically in part to being the exact opposite of 180..,
She deployed in January, leaving her two kids by two men under 2 because "she felt guilty and wanted to end the affair and volunteered to deploy" when offered a slot. What a great mom, eh? Already not taking care of her kids so she could screw my husband during and after work...

Anyway, I find out in April, he can't get out the door fast enough, and now they're picking stuff for her house she kicked her step-mom and 6-year-old half-sister out of and they're putting their wedding plans on the web. Argue with me about letting go, but my twins are two and if I didn't look I'd certainly never know. And to think he proposes a divorce budget (we are doing mediation), that allows him some quality of life and an apartment, and he's about to move in with her (she gets back in November).
I am so frustrated. For a multitude of reasons I can't even express well right now.

He left us.
He chose a 22 year old tramp who had time to party when she had a three month old with a different guy and get knocked up again.
Her first marriage was to a 17-year-old, and she was 19!!!!
Now my ex is trying to put a ring on it and she is deployed!!! They've never even had sexual contact outside of the cheating. They have only the sex, no reality, but months of connecting further now that I am out of the picture...

Sorry. I'm just so fucking mad and confused. My pity party hat is on and I want to scream and shout at the feeling that they are being rewarded, and I'm struggling so hard.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:20 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I meant that through her deployment they've had that much more time to bond without the reality of being around each other...


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try focusing on the things you can actually change, or at least impact. Don't let him get away with a settlement that leaves you struggling. If he wants to play house with a child, he has to pay for the privilege. Don't roll over because you're sad and frustrated. Put on those bitch boots and kick his ass!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19787 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read your post again and please tell me how either of them are being rewarded?

She sounds like a train wreck. He sounds like a train wreck.

Unless by rewarded you mean they are each getting what they deserve....

What you are feeling is completely normal. The sad clown was 40 when he started playing house with OWUmpteen, his 24 y/o office gopher. She wasn't even the OW of DD. She dresses like some kind of emo/goth thing and I've been asked if we have older children. Erm, no - that's not our oldest daughter, that is his GF.

Don't look. You don't need to know this stuff. Stop focussing on him and his motivation, plans, whatever and start focussing on yours.

You are very early into this - I was a hot mess for those first few months.

It gets easier. It won't always feel this way and sometime soon you'll realise this isn't something that is happening, it is something that has happened.

I didn't believe it when the good folk here said it to me when I was hurting and keening like you are now. But its true.

NC = No New Hurts.

Please read "She's Special" - its the second article down:
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

And also Romantic Infidelity:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

These two articles gave me so many lightbulb moments that I was dazed for weeks.

This is how they roll. Changing the players doesn't change the game. Lather.Rinse.Repeat. They want to live in UnicornFartLand but reality always kicks in. And we all know how much they don't like reality.

One day you will see his total lack of remorse as a gift. It will push along your detaching far sooner than it would if he was still trying to cake-eat. He is saving you potentially years of this limbo shit.

I'm so sorry, friend. Please know you're not alone. I was so full of rage and hurt when I finally accepted the length and breadth of his betrayal that I felt like I would suffocate under the weight of it all.

But I didn't. I moved through it at a snails pace at times and then at lightning speed at other times. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing. Damn rollercoaster.

Keep reading, keep posting. You will get through this. That is one thing you can be certain of.

((Iamhappytoday))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5401 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. I NEEDED the reminders to get my ass in gear the right way. A little 2x4 is a good thing.

I will be so happy when this is far behind me!!!!!


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I think of how messed up these people are, I try to emulate Sandra Bullock. She had no idea her husband was with all those women! It was very clear to me that her H was messed up, just as my WH is.

So, I never saw her scream or anything in public. It seemed to me that she centered herself and KNEW she had value, and that she was too valuable to be cheated on like that. So, when I start thinking about how my XWH could have walked out the door on us after dinner one night, I realize he was way too sick for me to help and that who I can help are my children and myself.

It seems crazy because it is. 180 180 180. and NC because NC=no new hurts.

Please keep posting here, you'll be on a roller coaster ride, but many people here will support you as you go thru the next year. It will be hard, but you are strong.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Jan 2012
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those articles were great, by the way. And the more 180 I apply the better I feel, daily.

It's sadly ironic that we were betrayed in large part by their unwillingness to change their negative habits, and to heal we have to ask that of ourselves.

Thank you for responding and being supportive. So many posts on this forum have helped me, even long before I ever participated.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Topic Posts: 7

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