Your WS had time to process the A as he was in it and possibly ending it. For you, the A started on DDay if you were blindsided. Think of a time line. You are on different sides of the timeline. He is processing on the future side of DDay and more than likely you are processing the past side of the timeline. You will catch up to him in time, but you need time to get through to the same place. I am sure that is clear as mud.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
He says he loves me. I feel nothing but sorrow where he is concerned
i'm at the point where i love him as a person bcuz i know fundamentally he is a good man, great father, etc...but right now i'm not in love with him...i'm not even sure if i like him
Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.
IMO, life long love is based on commitment and choice. Romantic love will ebb and flow during the relationship, but it is not the defining factor, it is not the glue.
With your recent d-days and such I would say that your H is just not there yet, his desires and expectations are not "valid" because he is in his fog still, he needs to do more work, process more, etc. Hopefully in time he will get more lined up with "reality" (not to say that he does not feel his view is valid and that he does not feel he is existing in reality, I am sure he does and it does no good to point out that his perspective could be off, he has to figure that out for himself imo, for it to really be meaningful and to stick).
Now, on to your title question - I no longer feel the type of love that wants to take care of, protect, and defend. I am here, I am doing my part upholding my responsibilities, but he has to take care of himself and protect himself and defend himself, just as I do, I do not do it for both of us anymore, just for myself and the kids. I no longer sacrifice, I am fair, but I do not deny my needs anymore.
I still love my H but it really has changed for me. I have prepared myself for the possibility that I could be hurt. I never want to be caught unaware again, so my love is guarded. I feel his love for me has deepened, and i believe his love for me is stronger than the love I have for him
Same here. I think the love my WH has for me has deepened and grown, whereas mine for him has lessened and become very guarded. It makes me sad :(
I love him for many reasons, but the part of him that I loved because I respected him is gone, which was about 60% of our marriage.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I love him, but I don't trust him not to hurt me again so it's a wary kind of love. Like I'm waiting.
I was totally blindsided by WH's A. I knew we were at a low point in our M at that time, but I thought our marriage was made in heaven & could withstand anything.
Now, I will never have that kind of security again.
I have lost a lot of respect for him.
I question everything he says. After he looked in my eyes & lied to my face about contact with OW for several months after DDay, it doesn't take much to make me suspicious.
Also, now I think he is pretty stupid---if he was willing to really do the work instead of sweeping it all under the rug & just going thru the motions,
I would have a lot more respect for him, & also not think that he is stupid (after all, anyone can make a mistake, but you are stupid if you don't try to learn something from your mistake.)
Also, the purity of our marriage has been tainted.
I will never again have sex with him without insisting that he use a condom.
So, if I am wary, have less respect for WH, still question everything he says, think he's stupid, & am afraid of catching a sexually transmitted disease from him now, I guess my love for him has changed a little.
Hope OW was worth it.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 1:14 PM, September 13th (Friday)]
I feel like all of his previous flaws that he used to have that I took as endearing or didn't bother me much before, have been magnified. They seem unsurmountable.
I have no trust or respect for him. In my darkest days, I wonder if he ever really loved me to begin with, or if he married me because it was the easy thing to do at the time and was the path with the least amount of conflict. I wonder if that is the reason he is with me now.
He is still stationed in Korea, but I don't think about him sexually anymore. I don't really want him to touch me...or really even see me naked.
I enjoy his company...he is the person who knows me best, I like talking to him...but right now, I don't feel much more than that.
..all of the above, if that makes any sense!
..how could it NOT change after what happened???
So do I think he loves me? Kind of. I love him, but I am just waiting for him to hurt me again.
Because the process was so fast, he is preserved in my mind as who he was before Dday in many respects. I didn't stick around long enough to let the asshole cheater version of him sink in. So I have 10 years of blind, innocent, unconditional love weighted against something like 5 conversations that were a mix of sorrow and hostility.
In that respect, I love him the same.
However, a few days ago a "coworker" (probably OW) called me. Just being remotely in touch with him and his world via this person was nauseating. When that happens, there is an emptiness inside of me where that love used to be. There's nothing. And I just feel like I need to take a bath.
I'm lately of the opinion that, had we R, it wouldn't have worked. Might have taken years-- but I don't think I would have tolerated the kind of doubt and limbo and emptiness his A caused.
I'm actually no longer sure why ANYONE would stay with a WS.
Now there is no love.
Now my love for him is more of a decision than anything. I *love* his sense of humor, I love his way of being a Daddy to our children. But I don't love the *man* he is because I don't believe, unfortunately, he is a *man*. He didn't man up to being unhappy and leave before seeking out an affair partner. He didn't man up and tell me that he went back to her, even though he had multiple opportunities to tell me. He broke that part of our dynamic. I cannot, at this point, see him as *strong* and *amazing*. I see him as weak and cowardly. I still don't know for a fact, even though he says he would, if he would truly tell me if he wasn't happy again. The proof is in the pudding and he proved he wouldn't.
I do *love* him. With all my heart I love him. But it's a sad, broken love at this point. I'm hoping that changes with time, because I really want the man that I know he used to be back. I really loved that man.
I never want to be caught unaware again, so my love is guarded.
^This. I love him, but only as much as I'll allow myself at the time. It's exhausting, trying to control my level of emotion for him, but I feel like it's something I need to do in order to avoid being hurt by him again. Sometimes I get that "I'm still so in love with you" feeling, but I refuse to show it. And I get that "I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with you" feeling, which I also refuse to show.
The result is turmoil, emotionally, inside my head, and flat nothingness outwardly. It can't possibly be healthy... or good for the relationship, if we're ever going to R.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."