sailorgirl: We are doing our counseling together once a week. (its a money thing) Most of our sessions are for him right now and I sit and listen. I go in in-between sessions if Im feeling overwhelmed. The counselor asks some good questions of him and sometimes he has a hard time answering cause he doesnt realize sometimes how his past has shaped his decisions he makes today, but eventually he gets where she is going. We talk about our sessions thru the week and discuss things we want to go over in the next session. In January there is an intentive 4 weekend long session that he says he will attend. Its for him alone to work on himself, then I can go later for myself. Im hoping this will help him. he did tell me once that I was "allowing him to grow up" -- I so hope so. I've been the strong one for 30 years. Its time for him to step up and be a man.
So I don't go in denial and to keep my perspective sharp, I actually KEPT looking at these pictures. LOOKED at them so I know and my heart can't deny what really happened. I only stopped when my FWH actions started demonstrating that he is remorseful, when I know we are in actual REAL R, then I stopped.
5 years now and it still kind of hurt, but it's in the past and my FWH has done so well and been so good, we both deserve to put it behind us. You do get over it at some point - at least not hurt as much. I refuse to let the past mess up my future.
That being said, he is still lying then you're not in true R yet... He's not being transparent and honest, then you're not in R.
Hugs your way. I hope this helps you.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Wert: yes, yes it is! All I ever asked for was absolute NC, which he has done, and plain and simple honesty. Answer my questions open and honestly. He was in a puddle of tears, begging and pleading, on the floor begging for a chance, regretting that he kept those photos a secret. He even called his accountability partner to come over he was so afraid I'd leave. I've never seen him like that. After we all calmed down he asked me several times was there anymore questions I needed answered, did I need to talk more...something he hasnt initiated on his own before, so thats progress to me.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
lostworld: I did not contact the OW BS. I honestly dont know if BS knows. I was going reveal early on but WH told me he had a reputation of going into a rage easily and at the time I didnt know any different. I was somewhat afraid the OW BS would come into my WH place of business and unload a gun on everyone, or come to our house and pick a fight or something. It was too risky in my mind at the time. Now, this far out, I realize the OW told my WH those lies about her husband. She was telling everyone she worked with that he beat her up, that he threw things at her. When I questioned my WH if he'd ever seen any evidence of her being beat up, any bruises or bumps? Afterall, he'd seen her naked plenty of times and she worked right in the same room almost daily for 8+ weeks with him--if she was beaten he would have seen some kind of mark on her naked body. A light bulb came on and he finally realized there were absolutely no marks on her of any kind, not even a scrape and that she had lied to him about her husband. But, at the time when he was getting sex and sexting and emotional support from her, he was too blind to even notice. He was her KISA that kept her from her bad old, mean old husband. *GAG* The BS most likely wasnt a mean man afterall and might have caused a stink or a fight but I can never be really sure of what reaction disclosure could have had. Now, my WH thinks he may lose his job or his professional licenses if I tell the OW BS. I dont know. I wish I could do it anonymously. I do wish he could know what kind of slut he is married to. He has money and the OW gets lots of nice things and a nice new home and car, anything she wants, so she would definately lose a lot if her BS left her ass. This is not her first affair, and there is rumor in the place of business that she is already in another affair. I really doubt her BS knows about any of it. He is gone a lot so she probably plans all her trysts while he is out of town. So, telling him is still something I cannot decide about. I do wish I had known sooner and not had to discover on my own. Its been 9 months since I discovered the affair and a year since it started. I toy with that almost every day.
There are two big questions:
1. What is he doing/willing to do?
He sounds remosreful and repentant. Good. Map out a course you want him to follow and see if he's will to walk that road. IC? MC? Transparancy? any and/or all of the things discussed here at SI. But not only those things. What do yiu want him to do? Yoga? Primal Scream Therapy? Shave his head? Is he willing to do what you require? If not his actions give you his answer. Make sure he understands clearly what you want him to do andn the stakes if he fails to do them and stick with them.
2. Is this a deal breaker for you? (This one takes time)
You'll have to deside this on your own and in your own good time. After (lets say for shits and giggles) four years you deside you're never going to get over it, then this may be your deal breaker. The time is flexable and dependant on you and his level of remorsefulness and willingness to kiss your ass.
I'm 7 years out. DD was 2007. I've already desided my WW's EA wasn't a deal breaker for me. But her inability to seek IC, MC, read one damn book or come her to SI for some insight keeps me and our relationship in limbo. It's not bad enough to crush my young childrens lives, and her level remorse is there, but since she isn't willing to do the work or see any need for the work, I'm left with constant doubts.
Find your level of acceptance and act when you feel it's right.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
I reactivated my H's FB account and found two messages. They were both from before DDay but they contradicted his story a bit (one OW he said he hadn't had contact with in over a year but there was a brief FB chat this spring, the other OW he claimed didn't know anything about him as he only "saw" her in a yahoo chat room. Obvs not true as they also chatted once on FB, also swears he forgot).
These omissions, or forgotten facts, or whatever they are, they set me back HUGELY. Neither of them changed his current actions, NC, remorse etc but they felt f'ing awful to me. I lost more trust. :(
This process is so hard. So, so hard. But I guess it is a process.