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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Think regret is setting in for her
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to one of my hockey buds the other night after our game over a few beers. He and his wife are friends of me and my eWW. However now they are getting divorced! Anyhow strange thing happened. 4th of July she called and invited him over to shoot off some fireworks with my son (yeah fireworks I bought him no less). I asked him of his stbx came too or if he brought his son (whom which my son plays youth hockey with) along. He said no just him. I was a little taken back. I think she was just looking for someone to keep her company. As far as I know it's nothing romantic. And if it was it would be very weird and confirm her self esteem issues I've known all along. Anyhow he went over and wanted to tell me about it.

His stbx is tall, blonde and the kind of woman you notice immediately at a restaurant bar for instance. ExWW told him that when she goes out with his stbx wife all of the men gravitate towards her because she's blonde and pretty much ignore my exWW. Now my exWW is very attractive. But I know how many men are...they just like blondes. My friend said I sense that she is now realizing that being 40+ and divorced isn't what it's cracked up to be for a woman with a child. He said it sounded more like a regret speech to him. He said everytime he sees her she's only hanging out with women.

I wonder if this is the ultimate karma to hit these WS's. When they realize that they fucked up, but are somehow still to proud to admit their faults? I have a friend on here on SI that once told me that one day she would regret it. I didn't believe it at the time she told me. Maybe she was right after all. I hate to say this....but it actually feels kind of good and makes me feel stronger for some reason.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:16 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure she regrets. That grass is never greener on the other side. Sure, when the drama is at its height and there are all kinds of ways to rationalize and justify, it's not so bad for them.

Then, like with everything else in life, the dust settles and you are alone with your choices. When we do as they ask and actually go away, there is really nothing else to feed the drama and the rationalizations don't make as much sense anymore.

Sean, I really believe, the more I walk this path, that the ones who just run away, run for a reason and it's got nothing to do with us or with the AP. They are desperately trying to run from themselves and the sad fact of that is that nothing will ever work. Wherever you go, there you are.

Their regrets often come too little too late and are usually more focused on how much worse their lives are, rather than the pain they inflicted on us and the kids. But it's there. It festers and will continue to fester because these folks generally have no capacity to grow or change. You have to brave enough to look in the mirror to do that.

I regret what happened. I regret that I had to go through that and that my kids continue to have to live with their fathers horrible choices. But I don't regret who I've become because of it. I don't really even recognize who I was before. I'm smarter, more seasoned, less anxious, and more in tune with my faults as well as the faults of others. My innocence is gone, but my bullshit meter is honed.

You are the same way. She will regret this forever. One day, this will be a bad thing that happened to us, but it will be something that we survived. And for that, we can be proud.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Jan 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It festers and will continue to fester because these folks generally have no capacity to grow or change

I think you're right. But I also think they have changed. They lost touch with what is reality and what really matters like their family. You can always get a new job or a new house. But you can never get a new family. I do know that her lynch pin is her job. It's what has contributed to her bad behavior and poorer choices. If she loses it she will be curled up in a ball on the floor. But when I look back all I have to say is this is what SHE wanted. I was stronger than her. I wanted to stay and work this out somehow. I wanted to help her with whatever problems she had or had been hiding. At least put that effort in. I can say that no matter what happened, I did everything I could to save what we had. Problem was....she never wanted to save herself. Like you said...just run from herself.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:48 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post and eWW sounds like my STBXH.
He ran. He ran fast and he ran hard. He is taking a respite from the running right now just to catch his breath...but it is just a respite.
I feel a little sorry for him. He will never be clean or whole like me.
Like you, I did everything to save our marriage while he put his head in the sand.
Now, he is starting to see what his 20 year younger whore really is.
Such a shame really.
So glad you are in a better place than her now.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is so sad to me. Life is just too short for all of us. Our WS's lost sight, lost their path or failed to connect on all cylinders and we were just a road block. I sometimes feel sorry for myself that it couldn't have worked out but I realized a long time ago that I couldn't help him. He didn't want my help. He had to find his way on his own. That will lead him to the regret eventually, even if he isn't feeling it right now. Who I really feel sad for is the children. They didn't and don't deserve it. They deserve the very best and while it was my WS's poor choices that got us here I still feel like a failure in giving them what they deserve.

I'm sure your WS will feel the regret and perhaps she already does. And maybe that will even turn into remorse one day but really it's all a bit too little too late if you ask me.

So sad!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever happened to the guy she was cheating with?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a stronger person than me. I could never ever ever ever ever socialize with anyone who did so with my xWH.

And it's more proof that your xWW is an idiot because I'm 46 and divorced and my life is fabulous. That hers isn't is her own damn fault. Of course, I'm 46, divorced and fabulous because I threw off a piece of shit millstone around my neck with the divorce. She, otoh, gave up something good for ... nothing.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3082 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said no just him. I was a little taken back. I think she was just looking for someone to keep her company. As far as I know it's nothing romantic. And if it was it would be very weird and confirm her self esteem issues I've known all along.

Sounds more like a predator attacking fresh meat ...


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She, otoh, gave up something good for ... nothing.

Yep. Exactly.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure she regrets. That grass is never greener on the other side. Sure, when the drama is at its height and there are all kinds of ways to rationalize and justify, it's not so bad for them.
Then, like with everything else in life, the dust settles and you are alone with your choices. When we do as they ask and actually go away, there is really nothing else to feed the drama and the rationalizations don't make as much sense anymore.

Sean, I really believe, the more I walk this path, that the ones who just run away, run for a reason and it's got nothing to do with us or with the AP. They are desperately trying to run from themselves and the sad fact of that is that nothing will ever work. Wherever you go, there you are.

Their regrets often come too little too late and are usually more focused on how much worse their lives are, rather than the pain they inflicted on us and the kids. But it's there. It festers and will continue to fester because these folks generally have no capacity to grow or change. You have to brave enough to look in the mirror to do that.

I regret what happened. I regret that I had to go through that and that my kids continue to have to live with their fathers horrible choices. But I don't regret who I've become because of it. I don't really even recognize who I was before. I'm smarter, more seasoned, less anxious, and more in tune with my faults as well as the faults of others. My innocence is gone, but my bullshit meter is honed.

You are the same way. She will regret this forever. One day, this will be a bad thing that happened to us, but it will be something that we survived. And for that, we can be proud.

Suckstobeme, I was going to quote my favorite part of what you said but it's all my favorite. Well said.

Sean, I would give my left arm for my ex to admit (either directly or indirectly) some regrets. I will never get that.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK what the hell goes on in the mind of my XWW. And to be honest I really don't care. I do know she likes to portray herself as having it all together. Shit, if she has nothing good going on in her life she just lies and makes things up. Matter of fact most of the shit she says are lies so who knows what's fact or fiction. I do however feel sorry for my son. He still buys her bullshit stories and it usually ends with him being disappointed. She has gotten herself a supposed fiancé. A dude 15 years younger than her. But its been a year and a half and she still has no ring. They were also supposed to buy a house in the burbs, then a condo in the city. But she is still living in her fathers house. She has a decent job but does not make good money. This was a woman who did not have to work, always had a new and reliable car, house, clothes, jewelry etc. But she tossed it all for what amounted to nothing. And what's worse she simply could not look herself in the mirror and admit she fucked up. I do have to admit that I do get a chuckle from her life from time to time. But then I remember that my poor son is getting dragged along for the ride. He just turned 13 and is starting to get wise to her stories. I give it a year and she will be sending him to live with me. Because she cant stand when people call her on her bullshit. And her typical MO is to close herself off from anyone who dares challenge the truthfulness of her stories. Half of her siblings and extended family don't speak to her because they called her on nonsense. But I would love to have my boy full time. Gotta see how it goes I guess. And the grass is usually greener on the other side because the septic system is leaking. Sure it looks nice till it starts to stink and sooner or later it collapses and someone falls into it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Nov 2007
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever happened to the guy she was cheating with?

I have no idea. I'm trying to move past thinking about him. Most times I do but every now and then I wonder if I should Google him to see if he was court martialed or something. Honestly I still keep a nine iron by my door in case one day he shows up. You never know. Thank god I play a lot of golf, but I don't own weapons nor do I want them in my home.

Even if she feels some regret, I know it's not remorse. The regret just comes from the lonely nights when you're friends are busy with their families while you are eating all by yourself. She still isn't concerned about the pain she caused me.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to hear a 'regret story' about my WW. It's unlikely though as she has dumped all of our mutual friends and only socialises with POS and her immediate family who all validate her so I'm never likely to find out. The last thing she would want is for me to feel vindicated.

I like to think that normal life is creeping in. She's had the Spring and Summer of long days and warm nights to put off the realisation that life will return to the normal slog of getting through rainy, short and cold days, with the misery of dragging oneself to work every day and then staying inside at weekends because the weather is so crappy.

Her POS is also her boss so I live in hope that the lust fades fast and she ends up single. I also can't wait until my boys are old enough to live with me, if they want.

I hear that people often see an expression of regret for what the WS has lost but not remorse for what they have put the BS through. This is truly sad and makes me angry


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 684 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the grass is usually greener on the other side because the septic system is leaking. Sure it looks nice till it starts to stink and sooner or later it collapses and someone falls into it.

Love that analogy


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2003
jackfish
♂ Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that in the early stages of the Grass is Greener and/or Midlife crises-Affairs, the newness creates this craziness. But seriously, once the novelty wears off, and life moves on, age and health problems set in, guilt wears them out, they may start to despise the new OM/OW. It (the romance/excitement) seriously can't go on till old age. Especially knowing what I know about my stbx!

How I see it. Fast Fwd say 30 years (we're in early 40s). WS's having issues, whatever they may be. Who is really truly bonded to these souls? Is that AP still around in their lives giving it their all to accommodate them? Who knows. But in my case, had my marriage stayed healthy, I know I woulda been there, as the song goes, "Through the Rockin Years" .

But, whatever, I guess.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear that people often see an expression of regret for what the WS has lost but not remorse for what they have put the BS through.

This is what happened in my situation. She did eventually express regret for losing the house, the dogs, etc. but it was very detached regret. It was almost like she lost those things because she was victimized, not because she made a series of shitty choices and decided to chase after her special soulmate connection with her new father figure. It isn't my problem and I very rarely think about it anymore but I do sometimes wonder if she will ever actually stop and think about the extent of the damage done by her and her choices.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you can never get a new family.

My STBX is starting a new life with his whore and will start a new family with the new year. BTW, this was not an accidental pregnancy. He didn't waste any time.

Our 8 yo dd is a mess.


Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Topic Posts: 17

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