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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you handle this?
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Helpless  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a really bad day....but I don't know why. I can't figure out what might have triggered it but today I am absolutly competly overwhelmed by the feeling that R won't work, that I can't get over everything he did etc. I can't get it to go away


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the extent possible, just feel your pain. IMO, pain - grief, fear, anger - is bodily sensation, and we can only feel or store it, and getting it to go away means storing it. If we store it, though, it'll bite hard in the future.

Acknowledging and feeling the pain releases it, and letting t flow is probably the best way to deal with it.

Alas, being betrayed brings with it immense amounts of pain, so it feels never-ending, but it really does end eventually.

If you have to care for someone (a child or elderly parent, for example), you can't always feel the pain when you become aware of it - just hold on until you get some time to yourself, even if it means your WS has to wait for dinner or something.

(((anv5)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((anv)))

I wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better. Try to distract yourself with something. Make sure you eat, drink and exercise if you can. I felt like this more days than not for months...probably more than a year. So I guess I'm just telling you what you are feeling is totally normal and can pop up for no apparent reason. I hope your day gets better.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((anv5)))

I understand your feelings. We've all felt that way.

how is your r going? Are you satisfied with it or is something bothering you in particular?

Its a long hard road, some days you'll feel like this. you have to mentally change your thoughts.

What's good about R? Can you focus on that? Sometimes when i feel as you do, i would remind myself that "that was then, this is now". it helps refocus me.

I'm sorry your feeling this way, it sucks i know and it is completely normal for you to feel this way, whether r is going well or not.

one of those awful consequences of being betrayed. it will lessen with time and your dday is fairly recent by your registration date. ugh, that roller coaster of emotions.

Hang in there,,,,,,


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really personal question here,but where are you in your cycle? We had a thread not too long ago about how PMS seems to be a trigger for a lot of us. I've noticed that when I have days like you're having,it really does seem tied to hormones. As far as dealing with those days,I ask myself "where's the love?",for me,it means asking myself to look for times or places when my husband has shown love. Doing this puts a focus on good things,forces a little rationality into my crazy thoughts,and it has never failed to make me smile.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will happen from time to time even a few years after DDay. Just give yourself some time and say this to your WS. Let WS comfort you, that's also part of their atonement so to speak (assuming you're in R?). When I'm in this bad day, I tell my FWS and we have key words and process we do. He says particular phrases, apologizes again, then highlights what he's done so far to show he is remorseful. This makes me get out of my emotional rut and look logically at his actions. This works to make my day better for me. I hope that works for you too.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all

This is normal for me to feel but usually I know why I feel it.
kiki1 I am trying to focus on the good in R but there is kind of a lot that I'm unhappy about...I can't decide if I want to much or if he's not giving enough, he is trying in so many ways I just wish he'd pay more attention to what I have said (numerous times) that I need...& I REALLY need him to quit lying. When talking today about a specific lie he calls it "dishonesty" & I reallly pushed & he finally said "ok, for the sake of moving forward we'll call it a lie really!
Getting there I don't know I have an iud because I need to not get pregnant now for obvious reasons.

Again thank you all I just can't seem to handle it today & that is new & I hate it


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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