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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Decided to stop lurking and ask for help
♀ New Member
Member # 40246
Cool  Posted: 8:53 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleep is something I struggle with too. I avoid taking meds as much as possible for it because for me it becomes part of a vicious cycle. What helps me is getting up early in the morning and get some sun as soon as I can whether it is an outdoor walk, or just opening the blinds and doing something by the window, exercise daily but nothing strenuous in the evening, no caffeine after noon, turning off all artificial lights in the evening -this was tough as I used to fall asleep to the tv. And if I can't fall asleep in an hour or so I get up and go handle a "to do " until I feel sleepy., and sometimes I talk a nice hot shower .... Then try again.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ New Member
Member # 38233
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in your shoes for a while. We went to the same counselor for individual and couples counseling. More and more I started to feel like she was trying to help ex-WW more than she wanted to help the marriage. I felt like all I was doing in our sessions was venting, so when I was alone with ex-WW, I desperately needed to talk with her about how I felt in response to her cheating. Instead, I kept hitting a brick wall with all of the self-help talk she'd gotten from the counselor.

"I have to learn to forgive myself."
"I made a decision, but it's up to you to decide whether to accept it and move on or not."
"That's your response to this situation, but it isn't my responsibility to punish myself."

It drove me up a wall and pushed me further out the door. In hindsight, I'm grateful. Ex-WW had a lot of deep issues, and I had a very unhealthy dependence on her "love" even though she really wasn't providing a fraction of the emotional and marital support that I needed and was giving.

In reading your post, it doesn't sound like your husband is providing what you need. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to fight to make it work. If that's what you want then find a counselor who can help with that. But you really should look inside yourself and see if you're REALLY happy or just dependent on the illusion of happiness like I was.

D-Day: January 2013
Me, BH: 31
Her, WW: 31
Married 10 years
Kids: Daughter, 3
Divorced: Sep 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found a new FB friend messages this morning. When will he stop hurting me?

BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It stops when you decide. You do have the power in you, reach deep.

Read my profile. I was older when my X decided to cheat. Being alone is not the end of the world, it can be so very peaceful.

It's normal to be afraid of the unknown. You will find your peace, take one day at a time.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8113 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was on the lake in the boat I bought him for fathers day (June 2013 - yes really) I sat on the shore and waited. While on the lake he TEXTED a woman he met in a bar "out fishing in my boat by myself on the lake - wish you were here".

Did you shoot a hole in that boat???

I am sorry - I do not find humor in your story at all. It just seems like he is letting you bend over backwards for him and he is just continuing to use and abuse you all awhile continuing his bad behaviors.

I see no remorse in anything from him.

I am so upset for you.

As others have said, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him change.

You referenced weight a few times but let me tell you, whether you were 100 pounds or 300 pounds; he would still be broken and doing what he is doing. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

There is an ole post on here called something like "they always affair down". It actually (indirectly) shows the affair has nothing to do with the current spouse or the AP. Doesn't seem to matter if they are a beauty queen or the other extreme because the broken person is not going for looks....they are caving to their brokenness.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys/gals are the best - thank you.

We have MC tomorrow for the 2nd time with our new counselor. the first visit went well. Should I bring up the new FB friend I found him messaging by sneaking in his phone? I am trying to do a 180 as of last night, but it is hard.

So, ignore the new "friend" or bring it up to him in front of the counselor???

BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Lost,
Ignoring in MHO is equal to condoning. We are talking about WH's here. They come up the dumbest stuff.
Anyway I would confront at the counselor. Providing you have irrefutable proof. You can of course sit back and watch where this goes and you might get more info. Do what your heart tells yu to do.

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1404 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to Phoenix. Our self esteem takes such a blow when this happens that we immeidately find fault in ourselves and try to do a remake into what they want.

There are of course, problems in every marriage, but those should be addressed by the two of you. He could have told you he was unhappy and thinking of leaving if things did not get better. That is usually enough to get the conversation started and for people to start working seriously on their marriage.

He chose the lazy, selfish, and most hurtful, way do deal with his dissatisfaction. He ripped your heart out and just wants you to take the blame.

When your counsellor says, "What are you doing for you," she means that it is you that have to take responsibility for your own happiness. It can't include what he thinks of you. When you become strong and secure in yourself, your own value, then you can and will demand respect from any partner.

This is a rocky, bumpy, road. The anger and rage is normal, so is the sorrow, pain, depression, anxiety, etc., etc.

Keep going to counselling but tell your counsellor that you don't feel that she is helping you right now. I know that mine didn't say much, other than it was his mistake, not mine, but just let me rant. I so needed to rant to someone. The betrayal is unbearable, but it will get better.

It can't be fixed overnight. It is just that the pain is so intense, you just do not think you can live with it for a week, let alone years.

Keep posting. You will get love, support, and understanding here. We ALL know what you are feeling and how much it hurts. Strength and hugs to you in the months to come. IT WILL GET BETTER.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had another MC session last night. I like our counselor he really seems like he is neutral, but also can gently call my WH on his bullsh*t. I think it went well, but afterwards I asked my WH what he thought and he was rather non-committal. He has said previously he is doing this because I need it. I think somehow he thinks he doesn't need it and is getting the validation he needs from his IC.

We got the results from some testing we did - I don't know the name of the test, but it assigned us number values in the categories of Inverse, Protective, Expulsive, Transversive. I thought it was very interesting my number for Expulsive was my lowest number by far, and even lower than his. This is the category where others may think or say about you: mean, control freak, demeaning, task master, aggressive, etc. This is what he has told his IC about me that I want to control him. Seems like the reverse is true!!!

We have another session in 4 days, then he leaves for an out of town meeting for several days, then home for one night and gone again for several days. Travel is when he cheated on me in the past it will be VERY stressful for me.

I am on prozac now and am much calmer - also take Xanax when I get very anxious (such as before yesterday's MC). I am afraid I am only feeling better due to the meds, that I am "stuffing" my feelings through the meds. Well at least I can function and rarely feel suicidal now. I wish we could go to MC daily the progress is SO slow... Death by a thousand cuts...

BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
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