[This message edited by AffairAgain at 3:44 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
My husband has deep personality issues. He is someone who in the past has harmed himself, either cutting or burning. He is someone who does not communicate at all. He is a very quiet person socially, has NO personal friends whatsoever (just work colleagues). He keeps his life very compartmentalized. I have felt neglected by my husband all the years that we have been married. He looks after me when my disability acts up, and I am really grateful for that, but I do not feel loved. I feel like I am being tolerated. We have positive things in the relationship, or else I wouldn't have stuck around for 21 years. But now I wonder if I created an illusion for myself. He told me 6 years ago that his affair with his student is over. It had gone on for a year, though I am not convinced... I think emotionally it was close to 2 or more. She left the country and they had no professional contact. He published a book recently that was 8 years in the making, and acknowledged and thanked many people who had helped, including her. Notably, he did not acknowledge me. I was very hurt because I had been very excited about the book coming out. I never mentioned my hurt feelings until now. He says he excluded me because he did not feel supported by me. I pointed out to him that I had given up my career for him and that it was he who has been so negative. He understood. Coincidentally his first royalty check arrived last week and he purposely put it in our joint account saying that I could use it for whatever I wanted. I felt cheap.
The other woman is now apparently back in the US, living and working in another state. Despite what my husband is saying to me, I actually don’t know what he wants out of that relationship. I know that there can be no reconciliation with her hanging over our heads.
[This message edited by AffairAgain at 4:03 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
If you have not already done so, please look at the upper left corner of your screen, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye target next to it. These are all articles that have been written by people who have been there and done that. We have all walked a similar path to the one that you have.
I'll be really frank here. From what you have told us, you sound like you've been one of the more emotionally abused people that I've seen come to us. You have a WH that betrayed you, it was rugswept, he emotionally abuses you, you have a sexless marriage except for the times that he fondles you in your sleep, your in-laws abuse you. Hell woman, is there no one in your life that stands up for you? I want to make it perfectly clear that my anger is NOT pointed at you. I'm angry FOR you.
Please. Find yourself a IC (individual councilor) who is experienced in helping people who have been abused, and see that person multiple times a week if possible. You need to get yourself some help from an outside source that has no one but YOU as their primary concern. I would hope that your WH would do the same, but I think that its far more important that you get this help IRL (in real life). In your situation, I would be more than exploding with anger. I'd probably run amuck with a table leg.
Please come back often for support. We have your back. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I have been going to a therapist, the same one who was our couples’ therapist 6 years ago, but she is on the verge of retirement and is kind of phoning it in now. She was upfront about that at the start, that she is on her way out and is less invested, but I needed someone so desperately then that I thought it best to go talk to her. At my request two days ago, she sent a couple of references for continuing my personal counseling with someone else (I figure now is the time to switch) and for couples therapy too. My husband has been acting contrite enough that I insisted that if he wants couples therapy then he needs to initiate it. It’s been slow going though—wrong phone numbers, people not taking new clients, etc. That’s why I turned to you today. You’re right, I do need someone I can see at least twice a week. Once a week is not enough. He is seeing a psychologist, the same one he saw for individual therapy 6 years ago and it seems like it is constructive. But I think a couples therapist is who can help us sort out our mutual issues and help us figure out, in light of all of that, as long and complicated as our history is, what path to take.
I just had a long phone conversation with my husband. Although he is being very, very contrite and responsible, I told him that it is not in his place to try and make me feel better, but my own with the help of a psychologist. We need to have a conversation in the presence of a psychologist about why all this has been happening. He doesn't acknowledge the full impact of his parents' abusiveness (and his) and I told him that I need a full acknowledgement and apology in order to move forward.
[This message edited by AffairAgain at 8:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]