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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stalling
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it very clear to my H that I expect him to send a DNC email to the OW - we argued about it Sunday as he said he told her the night of Dday that - but since then he has also told her they "need to speak" - he says so he can tell her exactly what he thinks of how she broke the A to me in the early hours of the morning but let's face it how can I trust that is the truth? He told me yesterday and day before he "knows" it means a lot to me and will send it to her yet nothing yet has been sent. He is out of town on business and has been sending me romantic messages every few hours - I just feel cold (I just see his renewed interest as rug-sweeping - he actually told me how relieved and happy he is that he really loves me and finds me attractive - like i should bloody be grateful he woke up to the fact he loves his own wife!!) Not sure how to deal with this - sent a communication this morning telling him I found it unacceptable no email sent out and that while I'd like to believe he really regrets the affair his stalling smacks of hedging his bets and am not prepared to put up with it....no response yet

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't need to talk to her. He WANTS to talk to her. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8816 | Registered: Jan 2008
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that it would be okay for him to write down "what he thinks of the way she broke news of the A to you" in his DNC letter. Him wanting to meet her in person is BS.

I also feel cold when I get romantic messages every few hours. Makes me crazy!! I think it will get better over time. I think they're just thankful they still have a home to go to.

Maybe give him a deadline as to when you expect that email to go out. He does NOT need to meet her in person. She sounds like a loon!

In the meantime do something special for yourself while he is gone, even if it is just taking a nap or renting a movie.

(((Hugs)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IthinkIcan I fear you are right - why does he need to speak to her and why doesn't he put telling her it's over as a priority when it is clearly important to me....In his messages he keeps referring back to joint memories - places we visited and romantic times...I feel numb and most of all I think 'why didn't those memories come to you sooner on a sunny day in the last 19 months so you didn't repeatedly sleep with someone else...." I am becoming so angry these days - a friend, when going through a painful affair, had mentioned a book that talked about 'building blocks' of emotions - anyone happen to know which that might be - would love some guidance on how to stop this engulfing my life and to become a bit more balanced...my work is so suffering but at least am able to put it aside when I play with my son (he is the biggest gift in the world to me and sniffing his warm neck this morning as he was half asleep was a reminder of something wonderful that is still true, everything else seems to be a lie at the moment

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, Raven am taking your advice and having my hair blow-dried....may still have the crap to face but at least with a nice clean hairdo...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear MJ

You have stated before that he was remorseful and it has ended.

Gently, he is NOT remorseful and it has not ended because he wants to speak with her.

If he was truly remorseful and truly wanted to make your marriage work he would be doing ANYTHING you asked him to do. ANYTHING and that starts with a NC letter that you approve and are copied on.

He is choosing her over you by not sending the NC letter.

but since then he has also told her they "need to speak" - he says so he can tell her exactly what he thinks of how she broke the A to me

This is his concern? How you were told of the affair not that he lied and cheated and HAD the affair? It is still all about him.

In a sick and twisted way you should be grateful that you found out even though it was through the OW.

He is the one who should have come clean. He was the one who took a vow with you to love, be honest and cherish you. He was supposed to take care of you, your heart and your family. He broke that commitment to you in many ways.

The OW should be ashamed and feel guilt for getting involved with a married man but in essence she owes you and him nothing.

He is out of town on business and has been sending me romantic messages every few hours

Meaningless. Actions speak louder than a liars words. Ask him to stop until you see the NC letter as his romantic messages may simply be the same ones he is sending the OW for all you know.

He is in denial and wants to sweep this under the rug.

You can not control him but you can set your boundaries and you can say that the NC letter is a deal breaker.

If he is unwilling to send it then you know where you stand with him at least for now.

Please know that I realize none of this is easy buy any means but it is time for you to stand up for you and your son. Do not allow him to treat you like an option.

Is the OW married? What did she say she wanted when she told you? Does she want to be with your WH?

Good luck. Keep moving and know that you are not alone. We are here for you.

Hugs and prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:22 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - she told me so he would leave me "as he has been promising to do" for many months. He confirmed he had promised to leave on several occasions but said he could never do it as he still loved me...I suspect she is still messaging him and probably asking him to see her. While he is saying all those things to me I can't get the image out of my head of the birth of my son and being convinced that was the most intimate and beautiful moment between us only to realise he was capable of mailing OW and having sex with her while I was still in hospital with our tiny little guy....I HATE this and I hate myself for feeling week and feeling like I am letting him treat me like a doormat. Yet another part of me says that I shouldn't do anything definitive as this is all so new to me....I want him to pick up his goddamn phone and actually say the words that at least leave open the possibility of a R - and to show me a mail that says in clear terms it is over and he wants no further contact. Maybe I just need to get away

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know your feeling of disbelief that this has become your reality.

I wish we had a magic wand to take all the pain and hurt away.

It is still new and raw and your emotions with vacillate for sometime (me 2+ years).

It is possible and even normal to love and hate him at the same time and within the span of 20 seconds.

Let yourself feel everything you need to feel. Don't disregard your feelings or stuff them down because they will rear their head later. Triggers are like that.

You don't have to make any major decisions except what you will and won't accept.

NC must happen and immediately. Deal breaker in my book. You can't even begin to start to address the affair or the marriage if the OW is still in the picture.

Please go to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. Read, read and read. Especially the 180.

MJane - time now for you to take some of the power back as hard and as heartbroken as you are.

If you allow yourself to be treated like and option then he will continue to do so.

This stops, one way or another, when you say it stops.

We are here and we are sorry this has happened but I promise you that you will come out the other side. You will and you will be stronger and more aware than you ever thought possible.

Good luck...keep moving. One day at a time.

Many hugs

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:18 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith your words meant so much to me yesterday - we are supposed to be going to MC today but I feel so angry - we fought this morning - he was planning to send a mail to her (after a lengthy argument with me) which essentially said it was over but he wishes her peace and good things - no mention of loving his wife or making a mistake etc. I just want to give up on him and this empty shell of a M. He feels entitled to rug-sweep and blame issues years ago in our marriage as a convenient way of excusing the inexcusable and I find myself more and more angry. I still have all the emails the OW gave me which I have avoided reading mostly (read first two and last one) - the second one dated 4.32 pm the day my son was born goes on and on about love for her and kisses....how much he needs and wants her. The indecency of what he did rocks me to the core. Why am I even trying to patch together a M with someone capable of such callousness and disrespect. I am not sure MC will achieve anything and I am not sure I want to put any effort into R

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MJane)))

I hope the MC you have is one that specialises in infidelity - that's crucial. They must not allow your WH to rugsweep the affair. That must be dealt with first and foremost before any marriage issues can even be looked at. His choice to betray you needs to be dealt with FIRST. The NC message is a necessity before you even consider trying to R with your WH. Hold firm on that MJane. Be a witness to what it says and when it is sent - there can be no emotions for her in it. If possible get him to hand write it and you post it, so there is no doubt it comes from him and that it reaches her. I hope you get some more clarity from him today at MC. ((Hugs))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I even trying to patch together a M with someone capable of such callousness and disrespect.

Because you love him and that is okay.

You don't have to decide anything right this minute except, IMO, to define YOUR boundaries going forward.

NC, new MC and perhaps IC for you both.

You WH is still in his fog of trying to justify his behavior. There is no justification. NONE.

He was living a dual life, in a la la fantasy world - yes, even while you were doing him the honor of birthing his child. Unfathomable, I know.

As hard as it is, minimize the time you spend trying to make sense of this. YOU NEVER WILL. The equation will never add up for you because we simply can't comprehend it.

Take some deep breaths and take one day, one step at a time.

You will be okay. We are all here rooting you on.

Big hugs and Happy Friday. Hope the sun is shining wherever you are.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He posted it - albeit unwillingly and with a gun almost to his head - but I said i wouldn't go to the MC without it having gone as what did we have to discuss if not clear to OW it is over? The message was brief and said she shouldn't come to our home again (which i wanted him to say as I have been worrying she'd pass by again and today, in MC, he revealed it isn't the first time he has seen her outside our house and she also left dead roses he had given to here there on my doorstep on one occasion as a "sign" - all a bit too Glenn Close to me TBH...who was this woman he threw away our M on....)Anyway, I arranged IC for Monday as I feel I could do with some sorting through and I guess I need to face that I may never understand any of this

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....In his messages he keeps referring back to joint memories - places we visited and romantic times...I feel numb and most of all I think 'why didn't those memories come to you sooner on a sunny day in the last 19 months so you didn't repeatedly sleep with someone else...."

It's so obvious that he's simply trying to divert your attention to simpler, happier times, and get your mind off that mean, old NC letter you keep insisting upon.

He reminds me of a snake oil salesman - trying to use smoke and mirrors to cloud the real issue - the fact that he's still in touch with his OW - while blowing sunshine up your ass.

He's not remorseful at all.

He's more concerned with his OW doing him 'wrong' and telling on him than he is the devastation he's caused you. Just the fact that sending her an NC letter became an argument between you two CLEARLY tells you right there that he's not remorseful in the least.

Anyone with a shred of remorse would have done that easily and WITHOUT an argument.

Honestly? It's a pretty sure bet he's been in touch with her since D-Day, MJane. You can almost bet the farm on it. Cheaters hardly ever cut all contact after D-Day - they just find different methods of communication - new secret email accounts, secret chat applications, phone apps that let you communicate without it showing up on your cell phone bill or leaving a trail, Google Voice (a free phone number you sign up for and use with your cell phone without it leaving a record on the cell bill), pay-as-you-go phones, phone cards with tons of minutes on them, the private messaging system of just about any website (hey, we have private messaging right here on SI, for example), and the list just goes on and on and on and on.

All the phony baloney "remember whens" that he keeps bringing up in his messages to you are nothing more than lip service, designed to deflect the heat off him and blow sunshine up your ass so you're not miserable towards him anymore and start 'snapping out of it.' It's nothing more than a bid to try to get things back to normal because it's so inconvenient dealing with an hysterial woman, yannow?

You sure didn't deserve the hand you were dealt and I'm so sorry you don't seem to be getting any support from him at all.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good work, MJane. Stand strong, he needs to be all in or all out, no fence sitting. You are exactly right that there is no reason to go to MC if he is still in the A (even emotionally). Keep your eyes opened to be sure that he has not taken things underground. Also, be prepared for her not to go quietly. She sounds like a bunny boiler.

Make a plan with your WH now for how to handle it if she tries to contact him or you. He should already have blocked her phone number and e-mail address. He should let you know immediately if she manages to contact him some other away. The next step would be a message stating that any further attempt to contact will be considered harassment and you will take steps legally necessary to pursue charges.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Aug 2010
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She sounds like a bunny boiler.

Make a plan with your WH now for how to handle it if she tries to contact him or you. He should already have blocked her phone number and e-mail address. He should let you know immediately if she manages to contact him some other away. The next step would be a message stating that any further attempt to contact will be considered harassment and you will take steps legally necessary to pursue charges.

This ^^^

I'm glad he sent the NC MJ, even if he did have to be forced. Keep your eyes open for it going underground that's always a possibility - but hopefully your husband won't be that stupid - because this one sounds like a loose canon.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
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