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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sex
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working on R for a year?

That's very little time, for so very much damage.

I just know that it would be difficult for me to feel sexually free with someone who was not patient enough to allow trust to be built. And would be impossible (for me at least) to reciprocate true trust with someone who does not trust.

Please understand the following are only observations based on what little I have here and thoughts that popped into my mind as I read through the thread from my limited perspective. But I felt they might be worth sharing.

I see a theme of impatience and misplaced trust.

That phone number, that one proposition, those harmless little secrets....they remind of tools in a tool belt. Only they are hidden in the memory of a card, a proposition extending into the future and it's always right there your "back pocket" Only you know about it so you are the only one who can control when you play that card. Like a trump card for those times when things aren't going right.

When you don't get what you want, in the time frame you believe it should come, you do something about it, and you seem to pull just the thing you need to feel vindicated or to speed up the process, you play a card from your pocket.

Have you always trusted and planned ahead for these moments when you WILL be let down and will have to pull out one of those secret cards?

What if you decided to trust your wife? After all it has been 3 A's she is still there.
What if you were to trust that she too will want to have sex more often in a way that pleases both of you? She made an effort to initiate after you only "mentioned" it to her. Isn't this an issue that's worth pressing?

I also think that the little "tools" or cards you slip into your back pocket, for that "just in case" moment could be replaced with things strengthen and truly empower you. Things like patience and trust, or whatever else you discover as a source of your strength.

I really hate to see a relationship set upon a course for certain doom over something that hasn't happened yet and that hasn't even been given an opportunity to blossom. Unless of course that is what you want. Because in that case you have the card in your pocket. You could play it.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the feedback. Especially BSs. It's always usefull to get other perspectives.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW who very much wants to have a sexual relationship with my husband but is scared to death. I don't know what your BS needs to feel safe and maybe she just needs time. My suggestion, love her through it. Let her know she is sexy and attractive and you desire no one but her. And be truthful when you say you will be patient and show her that she can be vulnerable with you again....turn on her mind and maybe she will find herself responding to you physically.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


In my case, having a sexual relationship with my fWH after so many betrayals was almost like stabbing a knife into my heart, over and over again. Sex is an intimate and powerful thing. In most cases it brings joy but to someone that has been betrayed repeatedly, it can just bring heartache. I eventually started equating sex with hurt to such an extent that I just couldn't do it. The only thing that helped was that my fWH, after he got his head out of his ass, helped me through it. He never pushed. He never made snide or mean comments. I know the man was frustrated as hell but he realized that for me to heal he needed to be patient and loving. We had to slowly bring intimacy, not sex, back into our marriage. We held hands. We looked each other in the eye when talking. We touched softly as we passed each other by. We snuggled at night. But most of all we talked. Not about sex, but about our needs and wants in our marriage. Eventually nature took over.

Just give her time, your patience and your love. She needs to know that you are there for her.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 408 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
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