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User Topic: Question my BS asked me
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree completely with Gonnabe. She expressed exactly what I was trying to put into words to you.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG and Gonna made some very important and valid points. IMO, you were protecting yourself for years, not protecting your wife, and you need to look into that and what that truly means. Your main goal should be figuring out why this happened and working on yourself and your issues, not convincing your wife of something.

IMO, you are quick to minimize what you've done. In your other thread, people suggested you address your porn usage in therapy and Samantha Baker mentioned a treatment program -- you did not acknowledge any of that. You remained focused on your wife and getting into MC. That suggests you think this is a marriage issue. It's not. This is your issue. The sooner you realize that, the further ahead you will be.

I'm also a BS who felt I had no idea who my husband was for the whole length of our marriage, because his own shame, he kept parts of himself hidden. His porn usage snowballed into addiction and then.....well, look where we ended up, on an infidelity site. Part of the reason for all that was his need for secrecy.

His shame, his behavior and his actions had nothing to do with me. That was a part of him long before I came on the scene. My husband would have had these issues in any relationship with any partner -- and he did. It was about him. So, does this really have anything to do with your wife's opinion on porn? Or if you look back, does this precede your relationship with your wife?

As far as your success story question -- what will success mean for you? I'd say we are well on our way because of a lot of hard work.

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I needed to hear a lot of what you all have said. In fact, just last night my BS herself finally ended her silence and basically told me verbatim many of the things you guys said.

She agreed to to to IC and I have an appt. next week. Eventually MC is on the table but not until I get some of my issues worked out.

Her biggest issue by far is the fact that she now sees she was married to someone who was not who they said they were. I am fake to her as she put it. I get it. I just hope that as I begin to sort out these issues and she doesn't give up on me. Last night the reality of the situation became clear to me. I have done severe damage to the very core of our relationship. What sucks is I never meant to intentionally do any of this. It just happened without me even having to think about it and that scares me to death. Because I truly have and do love her with all my heart and it is very painful to realize that this all happened because of me.

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done severe damage to the very core of our relationship.

Yes, but you have also done it to yourself and you are not even seeing that. You have lied about who you are for years. You need to figure out who you are first before this M can go anywhere.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This statement is very troubling to me. My thoughts piggy-back onto what UO expressed in one of your other threads. She talked about your *shadow self*.
The bottom line is that you and your wife do NOT share the same view of porn. Your *public* self may claim that porn is the *devil's work* and whatnot....but your *shadow self* LOVES it. It's a dichotomy. A cognitive dissonance. You are *telling* yourself that you don't condone porn....but you do, kwim? If you honestly shared your wife's view of it, then looking at it would not even be an option for you, it wouldn't have even been on your radar...... Accept that and own it.

This. Personal views are displayed by our action. Personality is what you show everyone. Character is what you really believe. You are talking about your personality, your wife is talking about your true character.

I believe that your sincere about how much you love your wife. But

What sucks is I never meant to intentionally do any of this. It just happened without me even having to think about it and that scares me to death

Do you really believe this? Years of looking at porn and keeping it from your wife requires serious premeditation.

I believe your wife is right to be afraid of R with you. Not necessarily because of your view porn but because of the serious dissociation of what you do and what you think you do. Get IC.

Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"have you read a success story where the spouse was lied to for the entire span of their relationship?"

H lied to me for 19 years then finally came clean on D-day which was almost 6 years ago, we are still together.

H cheated prior to M and then carried it through the M until year 17, he stopped on his own, but did not come clean until over 2 years later. BTW there was porn/prostitution/ons's and what would be considered a traditional A.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
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