Is this normal after about 12 months?
[This message edited by SecondHelping at 10:17 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
Discouraged maybe but understanding at the same time.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
But I will say over time, I approach my H in a kinder manner. At first when I triggered, I'd let him have it without any concern for how it made him feel.
Now I find myself telling him in a factual less emotional manner exactly what I'm feeling and that I need help to get through it without being accusatory or mean to him, which I certainly did in the first few years after Dday. And he helps me....we work it out together but it has taken time....
Now if you and spouse are R'ing, and things are changing, and WS really owns what they did they get it, and realize that it is a burden that they may have to deal with the rest of their lives. Occasionally things will come up when you are totally healed, and they should meet it with kindness and understanding.
The type of response raises all kinds of red flags to me. I am sorry but she either has been faking getting it, or is not willing to get it any longer. Do not allow her to pit you as the bad guy.
There is one instance that frustration, and some resentment may occur, and that is when the BS is really truly hung up on something. To the point where they can't move forward. That it is a daily occurence, this needing to discuss, or check up. But then isn't it really the WS's job to help rebuild the trust, and help the BS deal with the triggers, and alleviate them? Personally I feel that if a BS is still really hung up on something, at a year, there is probably something left undone, unfound, or real true R has not occured.
I would tell her to take her snide remarks and shove em up her rear end personally. How dare she make you feel bad about her destroying your faith in humanity. The one person that was supposed to have your back stabbed you in it.
This makes me angry for you.
I don't think it is realistic to say WS should never get angry - it makes it sound like BS have carte blanche to do whatever we want, and sometimes I, unfortunately, step over the line.
I edit, therefore I am.
Like others, with time the BS will handle triggers differently. But for a WS to be angry over their BS feeling pain they inflicted? Uh. No.
This all started a month or so ago when I was checking her other mail account on the laptop.
When this happens it makes me angry because I feel she is accusing me of being untrustworthy.
BS are dealing with a lot of shame, and if WS cross the line, get rage-y, call names or don't fight fair, it wouldn't be normal if they didn't react sometimes. People get tired, stressed, etc. and some of the issues we are dealing with are very deep seated. Our MC says that anger is a sign that you care -- I'd be more worried with a withdrawn spouse than one that gets angry on occasion.
I honestly think that it is unfair and inaccurate to say that WS can't ever get mad. I certainly can't control my actions all the time, and the same is true for WS, I am sure. If all WS had these brilliant coping mechanisms, then none of us would be here.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:05 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
Early on? I think nearly every wayward does it. But they need to outgrow it as part of the recovery process.
Personally, after my second Dday, I allowed no room for error. I expected perfection out of my WS. Impossible to be perfect? Maybe. But that was my expectation and he was free to try to meet that or not as his choice. He did a damn fine job of rising to the occasion at that point
Part of my fWH's issue is that he suppressed all of his emotions for so long, he doesn't know how to deal with frustration without getting mad. He is going to counseling to try to get a handle on dealing with emotions, but its not easy for him. I on the other time have a problem with timing and delivery. I have not had to respond to his anger due to his never bringing anything up to me! It's definately the hard work of reconcilliation.
We start down a path and it cycles out of control because we are new to this communication thing. I just want answers and he feels shamed and angry.
[This message edited by rachelc at 8:43 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
Is this normal after about 12 months?
For me, it is not getting mad at my H's triggers; it is frustration that he won't open up at the beginning of his downward spiral episodes. It becomes obvious when I feel that his remarks to me are short, curt, sometimes (in my mind)rude, snappish, etc. So then we end up with a confrontation of sorts. I get mad due to shame & guilt, and we stay in the pits for who knows how long.
Yes, we have communication issues.
Normal after 12 months?
I don't know.
It's been almost 4 1/2 years!
I absolutely agree with you.
I will admit that I get frustrated but not for the reason you would think. I actually get frustrated and angry at myself. The reason being that I am upset that I am the one that caused all of this to begin with. I hate that he triggers because of what I did. I hate that he is sad because of me. But it is something I did and I have to deal with. I am here to help him in any way I can.
To get back to your question though, no your wife shouldn't be getting mad at you or making any kind of snide remarks about your triggers. If anything she should be owning it because she is the reason you are having these triggers to begin with.
It seems like your wife still has a lot of work to do. I really hope she will do the work to be where she needs to be to help you heal.