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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Insensitive Comment
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has chronic foot-in-mouth. I love him anyway.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok guys and girls.

We are concrete in our R. Nobody can take that from us.

I understand that posting here, people only get one side or dimension to a situation. Or they project their own experiences. Yes, it "could be" that I'm an insensitive witch that needs to take her broom and fly away. However with QS being a member here, I'm not going to post utter crap knowing he can blast out a "Here's the truth!" message. (Which you totally can if you want Babe) I'm not afraid. Plus, if he's reading phony bologna and it doesn't line up with real life, Houston we have a problem.

I'm inclined to go with 'Good thing'.
The more I think about it, the more I am too. I think it's a good thing if my past actions aren't a flashing red beacon in our daily lives. There are times when we talk about the A and our feelings. He will open up and share things with me. It's not that we're rugsweeping or pretending it hasn't happened. It just isn't consuming his every thought and breath. We have worked very hard to get where we are.

I think if a couple wallows in the horror of everything too much/long, they are in danger of drowning. We don't want to be that way. We saw a lifeboat, we climbed in that sucker. And we're sailing for calmer, beautiful seas.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6165 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, triggers are unique and individual for everyone. A comment or a situation which bothers one BS may not have the same affect on another. And something that bothers a remorseful WS doesn't necessarily affect their BS on the same level either.

For example, my husband who is very remorseful, is deeply affected by the way infidelity is portrayed in movies. I OTOH am not nearly as bothered by watching infidelity in movies. I can let it go. I doubt that would make sense to most people on this forum, because shouldn't it be the other way around. We can watch a movie and he's the one upset, and it takes me by surprise sometimes, and questioning my own empathy. It's become a bit of a joke between us. It's other things entirely that send me down the rabbit hole.

I feel really stupid though. It was like, for 5 minutes in time, everything that had ever happened, hadn't. We were a normal, happy, innocent couple, cutting up and having fun. And with that stupid comment, it all came crashing back on me. I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Good thing because we were having a really great time? That for a few minutes, we weren't defined by infidelity. We weren't "those people". Or bad thing because I was stupid enough to forget my past actions, even if only a few moments in time.

Aubrie, FWIW, my husband has talked about feeling the same thing. I would imagine that it's not uncommon for remorseful WS in R that's going well, to be so thankful and grateful and happy to forget for a moment the pain they caused, or at the very least for it to recede into the background, while in the presence of their spouse during a playful or happy moment. That is not the same as rug-sweeping or a slippery slope or lacking empathy.

As for the comment and feeling like you ruined a nice moment, that is something I think most BS can relate to as well. Lots of times things are going well and boom, it comes crashing down. You pick yourself up and keep going and try to salvage the rest of the night, which you and QS did. Sometimes you can and sometimes you can't. Be thankful you were able to. That was a good thing.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We posted at the same time so I missed this and wanted to comment.

I think if a couple wallows in the horror of everything too much/long, they are in danger of drowning. We don't want to be that way. We saw a lifeboat, we climbed in that sucker. And we're sailing for calmer, beautiful seas.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, now that I've gone back and read the replies - Aubrie, I think you handled this beautifully.

The comment my H made that immediately came to mind when I read your OP was a statement he made about four months after his last ONS. We were working together and I sneaked off to get a chair massage (we were at a conference and had been on our feet all day). When I returned he started talking about massages, and how great they were, and how they were a good ice breaker, and he, didn't he give me a massage shortly before we started dating. . . and the whole time I was staring at him speechless because one of the things that made me SO upset about the ONS is that he gave her a back massage in bed - just like he did to me the first time I stayed over with him! He trailed off when he realized what he was saying and then said Um, I'm an idiot. And I said, uh, yeah, yeah you are. And the friend standing with us was completely clueless.

But it was ok. He apologized. He felt bad. He really didn't mean it. He was just chit-chatting. And it doesn't make me feel bad to recall that memory. In fact, the look on his face when he realized what he was saying was actually pretty freaking hilarious in hindsight. And I did NOT want him to keep bringing it up and checking on me. I got good and mad for a minute or two, he apologized, it was fine.

I would be really sad if he were constantly editing himself. Even if he does say stupid shit sometimes.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish it wasn't such an old post, but last summer TCD had posted about the irony (hypocrisy?) of an exchange I had with our then 6 year old daughter, where I said to her "If you don't do jerky things, you won't have to apologize for it later." The look she gave me was priceless, and I understood completely. We had a bit of a laugh about it, even then. Yeah, it may have been hypocritical, but just because I'm an asshole doesn't mean I shouldn't try and raise my daughter to NOT be, right?


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In fact, the look on his face when he realized what he was saying was actually pretty freaking hilarious
Yeah, QS had this cocked eyebrow, smirk that read, "Ehhhh. Try again." I was just frozen in

And I did NOT want him to keep bringing it up and checking on me.
Pretty much the response I got the second time I tried to talk to him about it. "It's fine Aubrie. Let it go. I'm totally ok. You slipped. Big whoop. Walk on."

Yeah, it may have been hypocritical, but just because I'm an asshole doesn't mean I shouldn't try and raise my daughter to NOT be, right?
It does seem kind of hypocritical to be teaching our children what to do and what not to do. Lie, manipulate, cheat, steal. We're kinda guilty on all counts. But the way I see it is, if a person truly "gets it" to the core of their being, what better person to hear these lessons from?

Don't recovering addicts become mentors? Don't they help and guide still struggling addicts thru the process?

I can teach fidelity and honesty and communication to my children because I've walked the path of destruction. I don't know that I'm actually going to tell them that Mom was once a cheatin' whore back in the day, but I can still use my experiences to help get across to my children just how important it is.

All we can do is show them the way. It's up to them to actually do it.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 2:23 PM, September 13th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6165 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW - too soon? she's not remorseful? GTFO. Whatever.

Aubrie, you did good, hon - and know that you will have more foot-in-mouth moments and you will recover just fine. You got this.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie I think you did good.

There have been time broevil has said something that I didn't even catch another meaning until I see the look of panic on here face. I tell her its ok and it is. It was not intentional or malicious.

I have said things too that have caught us both off guard. Its tough trying to balance being free and cautious. I think the ultimate goal is to lean more toward free. And with both partners open and honest it is totally possible.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 29
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