Last year the first atomic bomb dropped on September 3rd... With the discovery of a graphic sexual email to an ex. Followed by a week of lies and minimization all while he tried to convince me that he just "needed a little more excitement... Like maybe a threesome". Then on the 10th I dug deeper and uncovered a Craigslist ad in casual encounters written the day before our wedding.
He continued to swear that he had never had a physical relationship with anyone and was only "stressed out about getting married". He wrote me a very eloquent letter and swore on our son's life that he never had sex with anyone else.
I could see the lie. Even as he swore on our sons life. For two more days I kept after him to come clean, to give me the truth. Just more fervent assurances that I knew everything.
I was fighting the fact that it was a deal breaker with the pleas from him and both our families to help him with his SA. And somewhere deep inside I knew that the proof of his physical infidelity existed. It came to me walking home from putting the kids on the bus the morning of September 12 last year.
When I started bleeding in my pregnancy we went to the ER. I had already had my std screen, but they took another to be safe. He was in the room with me. He asked what they were looking for. I told him std, but that it was unnecessary since I hd already tested clean. When they came back with the results, he was on the phone but got off quickly and wanted to know. I was put off and said of course they we negative. I asked him point blank if he had something to tell me. He turned it around and said, " no, do you have something to tell me?" It was weird but I put it off to him fearing that I would cheat while he was out of the country.
That moment came back to me we I was walking and then I knew beyond a doubt that he ws still lying... That it was more than emails and ads which was plenty bad all on its own.
I confronted him. He evaded but I wouldn't let up... I backed him in a corner with it and he finally said, "I may have slept with someone else". In anger I said "may have.?!?!" And then he finally admitted to a ONS while on TDY at the beginning of my pregnancy.
Even though I knew already, to hear that my husband and the father of my baby had done this was earth shattering.
Many more Ddays would follow. See my signature for details. Each piece of info another blow and the evidence suggests that there is still unaccounted for behavior whether physical of cyber cheating... It is all the same in my book.
Fast forward a year, he is in IC, MC and regularly attending SA groups. He says that he feels clean and alive for the first time. He thanks me all the time for setting him free and standing beside him. The change in him is evident to all those around him. It is noticed by ur children, our family and his work. There is a lot of work still to be done but he has become someone he wasn't before and that someone is definitely better.
I am so glad to see the change, the improved relationships within our marriage and our children. I am glad to see his dedication to making changes and maintaining his sobriety. I want to throw myself fully into R and work hard on building a beautiful life out of the ash and rubble. Still, I can't seem to get over the fact that it happened in the first place.
I think this is keeping me very stuck. My rational mind knows it happened and it was horrific... Some deep place in my heart just won't accept that it is even TRUE. Every once in a while the enormity just hits me. He had anonymous sex with 3 people in our 2 year marriage. He posted a book's worth of ads looking for illicit hook ups. He used adult friend finder. Who the hell is this man I am married to??? Who could do that??? It feels so evil to me... I just can't fathom how somebody could act in such a way... And I can't believe that my husband would do this, the man I love and married. The man I had a baby with... How can he be the same man who carried out this evil?
I think my subconscious fights the reality of it all tooth and nail because I just can't seem to tolerate the pain. It is all consuming when it becomes too "real".
Today on the one year anniversary... It feels that way... All consuming pain... Way too real. How do you accept the reality? At one year out you would think that I would have it through my thick skull that there is no way out of this... That is happened and no amount of disbelief is going t change that.. Still my brain fights to keep the reality at bay and acceptance continues to elude me.
It all hurts so damn bad. Any words or thoughts are appreciated and welcomed. Thank you all.