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Do you think that it's possible that WS's sometimes subconsciously want to get caught having the A so that the A will end because they can't do it on their own?

Yes, that is exactly what my WH did, except he conciously left a trinket in his pants pocket that OW had given him on Valentines Day. He NEVER leaves anything in his pockets.

Discovered it when I was doing the laundry.

He admitted that he wanted out. She kept after him and he was done. WH has a problem with saying NO, to anyone. So, he let me do his dirty work. I told her BH 5 mos. later.

Our MC suggested that was the case in our situation. H left the house and "forgot" to close his work email account. That's how I found out that he was meeting up with hookers.

By the time WH desperately wanted out of the A, he became careless. He said he doesn't recall making a conscious decision to try to get caught, but he remembers having the thought "who cares if she catches me." OW got all excited about that, and started saying to him "Ooh, you want to get caught, don't you?" But of course she thought it was because he wanted me to leave him, not because he wanted me to end it for him and then he could beg for my forgiveness and to take him back! He tried a few times to "break up with her" in the final month but every time she (or he) managed to come crawling back.

I think that is entirely possible. Sometimes the only way that it really ends for good is for the BS to find out. I know my FWH was not capable of confessing. In my case, OW did the dirty work for him. I can see how leaving "clues" would work as well. Another manifestation of their messed up selves.

My H never really got caught - he had wayward behavior for many years by having a series of inappropriate female work friendships that I didn't know about (one bordering an EA)....he didn't think that was cheating. When the summer of 2009 came along and he finally crossed the line and had a two time PA with the same OW, his personality changed and I eventually noticed and questioned him on it - he basically confessed (although I had a few months of trickled truths).

Once all out, he immediately felt relieved, free and saddened for me.. And when I decided to stay in the marriage and actually help him (and me) heal - he basically told me over and over again that I had saved him!!!

I believe he wanted to get caught to end the charade of a life he was carrying on....

Absolutely. My H said he felt it was going to "blow up" the week it did, and promptly confessed to me on Monday after me questioning something about email. (I was CLUELESS at the time.)

It was getting too painful for him, and he was trapped. He said something interesting. . . he said, "It was never a choice between you and her, when inside the affair it was a choice between her and not her. Once you knew, the choice was easy."

Sad and crazy wayward thinking, but I get it.

Without a doubt. There is no way in hell he would have been caught if he didn't want to. His affair was totally undercover--a different city, no computers, no cell phones, etc. He NEVER took time away from me to carry on his affair. It could have gone on forever.

Part of why I chose not to reconcile is because he needed me to end it. Who needs a man without a backbone to have a relationship with. That was just another aspect of who he is.

WW did something like this.

I knew something was going on but was myself in denial. I had reasoned things out regarding her behavior and the only explanation for everything was a LTA with OM. I knew she was doing it and I knew who he was. But I had no solid proof. Only circumstantial evidence (I think thats what they call it).

I kept at WW wanting her to either explain it away or confess. She kept with denials and explanations that made no sense. Finally she confessed.

Later she said that she knew I knew but did not want to confess. She was trying and trying to end the LTA but they kept *slipping back into it*. Finally they had a big argument about it. WW told OM she wanted to end the PA but still wanted to be friends. He would have nothing to do with her unless it involved a PA.

So she broke it off and confessed as a way to prevent the LTA from starting up again.

Razor - My SAWH maintains he did not mean for it to go on as long as it did...the AP told him 18 months into the A that she would be moving in 18 months so I guess he had some end point in his mind and was just going to let it ride until then. There are some confusing things about this...he led her to believe that they had a future (so why would she have been planning to move?); he said at one point he wanted to leave me (but never made any concrete plans to do so); she said - when he finally broke it off with her more than 7 weeks after DD - that she feels like she wasted 2.5 years with him...why would someone who wasn't expecting a future with someone say that? Why would a 30 yo woman not have the expectation of a future with a guy she's been dating for 2.5 years? Like I said...things don't add up completely. I do wonder about it to an extent but then I think - is this a good use of my energy? probably not.

This was exactly my situation. Except my wh kept throwing in "trust" and "privacy" so I didn't uh... push any of the clues

I think that is entirely possible. Sometimes the only way that it really ends for good is for the BS to find out. I know my FWH was not capable of confessing. .... I can see how leaving "clues" would work as well. Another manifestation of their messed up selves.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 5:56 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

This is common among SAs apparently. They want the spouse to find out so that spouse can "fix" this, as often the relationship has devolved into an unhealthy dependency model even if the spouse is unaware of the infidelity.

Personally, I think he left clues around to punish and torture me for my "crimes." The resentment he had(has?) toward me was palpable.

My WW thought that I knew about her A long before I actually did. When I finally had proof and confronted her she was wondering what took me so long. What hurt the most in all of that is knowing that she thought I knew yet didn't do anything to end her A.

In my case ex left pictures open on the laptop. It was a picture of our son so I looked at all the pictures thinking I was just going to see more pictures of my children when I found a picture of OW.

Whether he wanted me to see that picture or not I'll never know. This was two days before DDay and I knew then that all my suspicions from the previous year were going to be confirmed.

We are now S.

I don't know. WH had gotten awfully mean and also sloppy with constant use of cell phone. Inexplicable bursts of anger and general as$&%#ery. And Avoidance had reached new heights. He now says that he thinks he wanted to get caught. And I definitely think marriedOW wanted them to get caught by both BS.

Mine didn't actually want to get caught, but he did want me to stop it for him.

He wanted her to end it so she wouldn't tell me what they had been up to but she wouldn't no matter how off with her he was.

So he started bringing me into conversation between them. He was bragging how well I was doing with my nail art and it kind of backfired on him. She invited herself here for me to do her nails!

H really panicked even though he had stupidly given her my number to arrange her appointment!

Anyway come the day she was here H was a wreck. I have never seen him so off with someone who was clearly fawning all over him. She stayed all day and we couldn't get rid of her

Of course that was when I realised and she ended it the Monday after meeting me saying I seemed real to her now - ah the tart has a heart

He freaked out at first and only confessed to an ea but he was so relieved to have got away from her his mood picked up and I realised how low he had been.

He didn't confess to sex until June, he never wanted to get caught - he wanted to 'protect me' his arse more like but it seems clear to me he was rubbing her nose In

his family.

He said it wasn't that he wanted to get caught but he couldn't end it so he brought her here so I would realise something was going on and end it for him.

I guess maybe he did want to get caught after all on some level.

Eh I don't know. My WH told me it was a relief that I caught him. And then when he relapsed a couple months ago (which I caught) - again - it was a "relief" he got caught so he didn't have to lie anymore. I dunno - it's like, how long does it go on before you wait to get caught?

Yes... He left a condom in the car.. I guess they didn't have time to fuck that weekend. I was pissed it was my car.. Can't wait for lease to be over!!

Not only do I believe that he wanted to get caught, he believes that he wouldn't have stopped unless he was caught. His words when I did finally catch him was "I guess I just needed to be confronted with this". He didn't delete any of his computer history, which went back 6 months. He believes it was because subconsciously he hoped I would see.

He knew he couldn't do it on his own and I agree with the posts that he wanted me fix him cause he couldn't.

A friend of mine told me that WS's truck was being seen at her house. I confronted him about it. He denied it. I still felt something was off so I watched her house. 3 days later I found his car in her driveway and confronted them both.

So, yes, I do believe he wanted to get caught because why would you keep parking in her driveway if you knew I had an inkling you were doing it?

WS never confessed to anything unless he was backed into a corner. He *says* he's a different person now, but who knows? The proof is in the pudding and so far the pudding is very very sour.