My WS had his mothers full support during his 4 month A. The MOW was his former high school GF. What I thought was just some cooling off time spent sporadically over-night (several days in a row at one point) at his mom's house while we were having problems was actually his mom enabling the affair to be carried on at her home. She stroked his ego by saying things like 'You deserve to be happy, not miserable', 'You worry about you, that's all that matters', 'Stay as long as you want'.. etc. She lives an hour away, so she would even go out and buy him clothes so he wouldn't have to drive home and get clean ones. There would be family gatherings, a graduation party, a birthday party, a barbecue.. He was already at her house, so his mom encouraged him to bring the MOW along, which he said he was reluctant to do at first, but did anyway. We were never close to his other family members, so we didn't ever really have contact with them other than funerals etc.. so it was not unusual for me to be unaware of these functions. I was never aware through our 16 year marriage of his mother's obvious dislike for me, so it hit me hard.
It sometimes still amazes me that he's here with me. Afterall, he had 2 women stroking his ego and telling him everything he wanted to hear.. I was fighting 2 women for my husband and I didn't even know it. He says 'I woke up and said wtf am I doing?'
I told him to choose, either me or his mom. He chose me, which means never going to her house again, ever. This is the house he grew up in. It means no more private phone conversations with her, he speaks to her in front of me. He used to talk to her for an average of an hour and half once or twice a week, he'd go over there at least once or twice a month. He hasn't seen her in just over a year. We invited her over for christmas (I would've left the house so as not to beat the shit out of her), she declined the invite, citing other plans. I have not spoken to her in well over a year. I never confronted her once I found out, I just cut her out of my life.
My problem, is I'm morally torn. My WS seems to have had an epiphany about his mother. He's not blaming her for his affair (he owns it 100%), he's angry with her for encouraging it along, for giving him bad advice and for not using her lifelong considerable influence over him to make him question what he was doing. She endorsed it wholeheartedly and justified his feelings about everything.. she told him everything he wanted to hear to make it all okay.. Which he now sees was so terribly wrong. He hasn't returned her calls and has not spoken to her in about 5 months now. She's in her 70's and while she may not have morals or values, I do. Do I encourage my WS to call her or do I let her suffer? I can't imagine not speaking to my mom for 5 months.. or not seeing her for over a year. It just feels wrong to me.
I get that you need to remove people from your lives if they are not friends of the marriage, which she is definitely not, but she's his mother.. how the hell do I deal with her and what she's done? I will never forgive her nor do I want to. Any suggestions?
If she had shot you, you would feel no remorse for never seeing her again. If she had stuck a knife in you, you would feel no remorse for having cut her out of your life. She tried to murder your marriage. She actively assisted in your marriage's attempted murder. IMO, the bare, absolutely bare minimum for the two of you to allow her limited access to you would be a heartfelt apology to you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It's his family. He's dealing with his family his way. Your focus should be on R. Your MIL is not part of that marriage. Only you and H.
Hugs your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
She never apologized, never will. We started with very strict boundaries and have relaxed them after a while of her following them and seeing that she will no longer be allowed to become a wedge in our M. I think she has changed. Her actions say that.
You learn over time that she is not worth the energy it takes to be mad at her. I hope you figure out what is best for you and your marriage.
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
[This message edited by LadyLove at 10:49 PM, September 13th (Friday)]
[This message edited by LadyLove at 10:59 PM, September 13th (Friday)]
Can I ask:
I will never forgive her nor do I want to. Any suggestions?
Has this MIL ever apologized to you - or asked for your forgiveness?
If not...I'd continue to ignore and avoid her!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
When God made the Garden of Eden, he did not put a man & his mother in it, he put a man & his wife. That says it all.