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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So i will show her consequences now. No more nice guy attitude. From now cheated husband attitude.

I think I can hear your 'Give a shit' breaking.

Time to go alpha male on her. Put her out, no more mister nice guy.

Too bad for your WW. When the betrayed Spouse gets to this point, there is no turning back.

So sorry.

Peace and Strength to you Coda.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In front of my WW, i called her mother and informed her whats been going on. I think it shocked my WW. She has been silent. Also our divorce is gettting a little nasty. I think she will try to ask for more than what is fair.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful.

Your WW may look like your wife and even smell like your wife but she is really a pod person. Watch your back. She is not your friend, in fact she is kinda the enemy. And she will not hesitate to treat you like the enemy.

Hold your cards close to your chest. Mr. Nice Guy has left the building. Protect your self, let the Lawyers handle everything.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I'm sorry for you and the kids!

I posted this somewhere else and hope it will help at least somewhat:

"A couple of suggestions to think about, if I may:
- talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself, your boys, your assets
- after talking to a lawyer, set up family counselling for the children, it will help them immensely and hopefully look good in potential custody disputes. Children are greatly influenced and perceptive of such tensions between parents.
- consider counselling (paid/pro bono) and/or support groups for yourself
- carry a VAR at all times and take other precautions to defend yourself against bogus abuse etc. accusations,
- document everything (your care for boys, her care, detrimental conduct,... to boys,) for custody purposes. It could get ugly and your kids need you as much as possible in their lives
- don't drink/get drunk
- as hard as it is for you, from hereonin, you'll have to be the hero for your buys and take extra super care for them, especially to make up for her detrimental conduct, role-modelling,...
- reach out to your close ones for support
- make safe copies of evidence pointing to her affair
- think about (after talking to your lawyer) asking her to go to marital counselling, church counselling etc. with you, upon certain conditions (verifiable no-contact with OM etc.). Notify her in writing of that (remember - document! so you can prove in court if you get divorced). If she isn't willing to discuss it, set up one or two meeting with a counsellor for both of you and notify her when&where. If she doesn't show up, express disappointment (in writing/email). Again, it might help you save your marriage, and at the very least will perhaps help you in divorce/custody proceedings.
- make sure you don't let her in on what you're doing to protect yourself
- after having sufficient precautions in place and after talking to your lawyer, expose her affair

I'm sure others, more experienced will give more and better advice.

Don't trust her to play fair and don't expect her to do what's best for the kids. Since she had/has an affair, she clearly isn't thinking in the kids' best interest."

I'm glad you're taking decisive actions and hopefully you'll make the best for you&the kids out of this extremely horrible situation!

Looking forward to hearing more from "Mr. Cheated-Husband/Father/Papa-Bear"!

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW is moving out tomorrow to our rental condo. OMW said AP also said he will move out soon and is looki ng for an apt. Kids will say with me most of the time. WW will visit with them after school a couple nights per week and part of the weekend. We fought big time this morning. Im not putting up with her crap anymore. I was too nice and let her run things her way. She knows i exposed it to her mother. But she hasnt called her mom yet.

[This message edited by coda87 at 1:45 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

Being angry is fine.

Sounds like you are going through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The progress is seldom linear and/or clear-cut but basically you need to spend some time at each stage. You can (and I guess all of us do) experience one or more of these emotions at the same time.
It sounds a bit like you are in late-bargaining (exposing to her mom with her witnessing it is IMHO a drastic bargaining step)/full anger stage. That’s good IF you are over the denial stage; IMHO that’s the most dangerous phase for us BS to be, followed by depression. I’m hoping you realize that her actions are no reflection on you and with the support here on SI make it through wo an extended stay in depression.

You know I am very pro-reconciliation. I still think that if your WW came to you right now willing to meet your demands for R then your marriage still has a chance IF YOU STILL WANTED IT. I think the point-of-no-return is so personal and individually based that it’s only when you are at that spot you can tell if R is an option or not. But I have also always maintained that you can’t R alone and your WW has to be willing to meet basic requirements for R ever to be an option. To me it sounds a lot like you have reached a stage where even if she wanted to R you would be extremely reluctant to try. And that’s perfectly fine. This site is about surviving infidelity and our goal is to guide you to survival.

I do want to warn you about certain potential pitfalls:

Do NOT change divorce into an alternative relationship with your wife.
Sounds obvious but you will find dozens of stories of prolonged separation/divorce proceedings here on SI. Once you decide to D and/or your WW does not commit to R then her actions are – basically – no concerns of yours unless they DIRECTLY impact the divorce or potential custody. So if she’s meeting OM, moving in with OM, seeing OM in the condo… It’s definitely bad taste but not something you should allow to impact you.
Focus on ending the divorce. Focus on your goals. Be realistic. Make the correct concessions to attain your main goals.
Always remember that divorce is the process of establishing the LEAST amount of interaction required.
Be realistic. If your attorney tells you that you can’t limit OM’s access to your children… well… that’s it.

Focus on ENDING this situation. No – don’t be a pushover, but right now arguments aren’t going to get you anywhere. Any discrepancies in your demands and her demands will be settled by attorneys, not through a shouting match at home.
Expose because it serves a purpose. Do NOT expose to get even, get revenge or to cause WW embarrassment. Letting everyone that is a stakeholder in the marriage (and that would defiantly include MIL) know the truth is necessary IMHO.

Coda – the suggestions that she comes over to visit kids… That’s OK as a bargaining point in getting the house. But realistically that’s not going to work… Three months from now you won’t be happy with WW having keys to your residence, or the ability to go through your life. You will be moving on and won’t want her around. Great if that’s what’s needed so she concedes the house, but try to avoid having anything about that in writing.

Finally Coda – Once she moves make some noticeable change to the house. Change the foyer, furniture arrangement, remove family photos… Make it very clear that the house is no longer her residence.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5517 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Bigger. The arrangement with the kids is only until the divorce is finalized. The rental condo is just a large studio, so not much room for her and 3 kids. Once we are D, I plan to have as little contact as possible with my WW except where necessary for the kids

I think now that she is out of the house, I won't feel like she is rubbing the affair in my face anymore. That's what if felt like to me and what caused the anger.

I told my attorney that I see no hope of reconciliation now, so just try to get my kids and I the best deal possible and that I will go with his recommendations to achieve that. I don't plan to deal with her directly about the D negotiations anymore. Looks like both our attorneys are recommending mediation as the next step.

The stages of grief, yes I've felt all those things. Anger was there right after Dday, then it came back recently. I think I am through denial. I'm on anti-depressants, so hopefully that keeps depression in check. I can say I do feel better than the first few months. Now I just feel anxious about the D and want to get it done with asap.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are the kids doing?


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The younger ones seem fine. The older one knows something is going on. Now the my WW moved out, we will see. I'm sure they will miss their mother. Sad.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Day 3 since WW moved out. I also found out from OMW that AP is moving out on 1/21. My WW stopped by our home last night to make dinner for the kids. I went out to eat myself.

I talked with my lawyer yesterday and told him im done trying to negotiate directly with my WW. And that i will just let him handle it from here on.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay tough Coda.

Let your handle your STBXW now.

She is not your friend. She is not your wife.

She is the OM's GF.

Keep all transactions on a business level.

Hopefully your attorney will get you the best deal possible.

Sorry for you and the boys.

And I do hope the OMW cleans him out for half his $$$.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling really sad about my WW not living in the house anymore. We have had very little contact, just a few text msgs related to the kids. AP moves out of his home on Tue. He also rented a small apt. OMW was also hit by a moment of sadness yesterday when she realized her 14 yrmarriage will be over soon.

The divorce process is so slow. It's just dragging on. On 1/29 we have to attend mandatory counseling with our kids, to learn about divorce and how it affects children. So before that, we need to sit down with our kids and let them know mom and dad are going through a divorce. With mom out of the house, they probably already suspect something is not good.

I just can't believe my WW doesn't see the destruction she is causing. All for jerk AP who would also leave his family. What a damn waste.
I just hope I can negotiate to keep the house.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:08 PM, January 17th (Friday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadness is totally normal. Doesn't mean you are making the wrong decision--but what a hard one, and awful position to be in. You are right to put this in the hands of your lawyer and are clearly thinking of your kids first which will be a good guide!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week our family had to attend mandatory court counseling to learn about how divorce affects children. So the night before, we told our kids about the divorce. My WW kept putting in off. And I thought we were going to sit down as a family an let our kids know. But my wife wanted to tell them separately. She went upstairs and came back in less than 10 min. When I told the kids, my oldest son started crying. The kids seem to be okay, but reluctant to talk about the divorce. I'm sure they just don't want to be in the middle of it and wish their life would just be normal again.

My WW moved out of the house 3 weeks ago. But she comes back Tue & Thu to see the kids/make dinner. And she comes back on Saturday and stays overnight til Sun.

All I can say is that I feel deep resentment toward my wife now. This is a new emotion, that somehow didn't surface, even though you would expect me to feel it much earlier. Her continuing A for now almost 6 months, is making me question what kind of person she is.

My attorney finished drafting a divorce decree with the terms I want. He will send it to her attorney soon. But the whole process is so slow.

I haven't felt much anger since WW moved out. I don't really feel like talking to her as much. But when we do, she is just like a broken record, saying she doesn't know what to do, its a hard decision, she needs a little more time blah blah blah. I'm getting bored of it.

I keep hoping that there will be a time where she will regret what she has done. I almost think I want that to happen just so that when reality comes crashing down on her and she wants to save the marriage, I can tell her to piss off. Is it evil for me to feel this way?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost think I want that to happen just so that when reality comes crashing down on her and she wants to save the marriage, I can tell her to piss off. Is it evil for me to feel this way?
Very normal, especially now that you've found some of your anger at your WW for putting your family through this. This too shall pass.

Try to not to feed those thoughts though, because it would be unlikely for her to do from a place of remorse. It is more likely imho that she will never say anything about it even if she feels because she would not be willing to admit how much of a mistake she made.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3726 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so disappointed with my WW and the way things turned out. I don't even feel like posting here anymore. I can't describe what I feel now. It's not anger or even sadness. It's more like an emptiness or Blahh... I'm just waiting for the D to proceed and don't know why it takes so long.

It's been exactly four weeks since my WW moved out. To her it's a separation. But she comes back on Tue/Thu to make dinner for kids. And she comes back Saturday and stays til Sun or Mon. So to me it doesn't feel like a separation. In fact it seems like a setup for her to have more free time to spend with the OM, since she doesn't have sleep at home M-F nights. OM also moved out about 3 weeks ago.

I've pretty much decided D is inevitable. Although it wasn't my goal, I see that I don't have a choice. I just haven't told my WW yet. She still thinks I'm still waiting for her. Should I say something? Or just remain silent? I've been doing the 180 (not always perfectly but trying) at least since November. If it has had any effect, I've yet to see it. Maybe my WW could just see through it, because I wasn't always sincere about it.

25 weeks since D-Day! What crazy time. I'm still alive. And I guess feeling better since this all started. I wish I could move on quicker though. Limbo sucks big time!


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put a fork in it as soon as possible. Get a timeline from your attorney so that you know what to expect. Although your attorney cannot predict with certainty how long it will take because your STBX has the ability to throw monkey wrenches, he/she can give you firm time frames for each step where there is agreement. He/she can also give you an idea of how they can navigate the course when she causes delays and the time it would take to break those delay tactics.

It is important for you to know what to expect so that when things are not going at the pace they should be you know and can intervene. Lawyers (I am one) have multiple clients and different things pulling on them. You knowing what to expect and when to expect it can help keep things on track without causing friction. Knowledge is power. Be powerful.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crisp - Thanks for your reply. I just emailed my attorney about a timeline. I do think that my WW is deliberately delaying the process. I've always turned in my documents Asap. My WW has turned in her documents really slowly.

I guess all I can do it try to keep the process moving forward.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 124 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Crashtestdummy
♂ Member
Member # 26121
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

Get the divorce done ASAP!!! I wish I had done so. Instead it dragged out, my XWW got a DUI, lost her job, went on disability.... Let's just say, what would have been a 50/50 split with no alimony, turned into a nightmare that cost me a fortune in legal expenses, of which only the divorce was part of the $$$$.

it still hurts each month, but with everything I still ended up ok. It just would have been nice for me to be able splurge on a few toys or trips now and then...

Have your lawyer put the pressure on. Have him schedule a pre-trial as soon as possible. You wife does not need to agree to that, but the quicker you get in front of the court the better.

Keep reading here and learn from our mistakes...


BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda:

I just read your thread in its entirety. Your story is so sad. I am so sorry for what happened to you. The amount of pain and anguish your WW has caused you is truly immeasurable.

You seem to be handling yourself well. Just know that once the D is completed, you will move on with your life, and things will get better. You will find a nicer, hotter woman for yourself and things will be happy.

Your wife however is doomed for a life of unhappiness. Let me explain. Eventually the kids will learn of why their mother left. They will learn about the affair, and why she left with the OM and flaunted it in your face. I even bet that she introduced the OM to your kids with the hopes that they will 'like' him as a potential future stepfather. However the kids will see this as COMPLETE BETRAYAL.

I don't know how your kids will react, but I can probably guess there will be an incredible amount of disgust once they hear the truth. I wouldn't tell your kids directly what happened, but if they ask then don't lie. Always tell in age appropriate language what REALLY happened. As a father you deserve to tell them the truth instead of hearing from secondary sources. Your WW will want to keep this a secret as long as possible. Imagine her horror when she realizes she won't be invited to your kids wedding, or any future family event. When grandchildren arrive, I'm sure you will be the first to see them and spend time with them. Your WW will be the object of scorn for years, and I'll be surprised if your kids choose to let her see the grandkids. She chose this path, all for a bit of ass on the side. How pathetic. Your kids will immediately see through this and come down on her hard. She fvcked up their childhood and I'm sure they will resent her for a long time.

Although most Wayward wives come back to the marriage with remorse, yours clearly is not showing any signs of it. As a bit of consolation however, I urge you to read a post by a former WW (name Imadeamistake) on the Talk about Marriage forums. This poster only made one post. She is a wayward wive that moved in with her OM after her divorce. She didn't realize how much of a mistake she made with the A until a couple of years later, when she went begging back to her BH. The BH at that point had found another woman. Imadeamistake posted a long and heartfelt story about how she made a terrible mistake and ruined so many lives. Take a look at her post. Print out a copy and give it to your wife on the day that the D papers are signed.

So sorry that you are here. Keep posting, we will support you here my man.

Sending you peace and strength.............Kali

[This message edited by kalimata at 7:30 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


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