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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Coda,

Good to hear from you.
So you are entering acceptance… That’s extremely good. So I go once more back to the burning house analogy: Nobody wants his house to burn but if it does then you sort of focus on what you managed to save and how to rebuild. Regretting the fire won’t get you anywhere.

Personally I don’t think this wife visiting kids at your house, sleeping over on Saturdays pattern is beneficial for your recovery nor sustainable as a new “normalcy” for the kids. It’s definitely a pattern that I would suggest you end…
EXCEPT for one reason…
I know that you are pushing for a divorce settlement that you feel is beneficial for the kids but might lean slightly in your favor regarding the family home and division of assets, thereby making it possible for the kids to remain in the family home and minimizing the trauma. To get that goal then it MIGHT be worth the effort and pain to not rock the boat and to keep WW amicable.

But once that issue is cleared up and the division of assets/debts agreed on… Or once the typical divorce cat-fight starts… then this present pattern isn’t healthy.

Sit down over a cup of good coffee and think it through; Is the pain and cost of having your WW around these days more than the benefits it might bring in getting an acceptable settlement? If the answer is yes then tolerate it but keep the pressure ongoing on the divorce progressing.

Do you need to be in the house these “family” evenings? Why not be out next time she drops by. Go out next Saturday evening and leave her with the kids.



"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Coda,

Just read your post, boy, did it hit home. I did not have children with my WS, thank goodness. But I did so relate to your process, hoping for reconciliation, then coming to the realization that it is not going to happen. I prayed that my marriage would work out but he never showed any sign of remorse. The thought of divorce devastated me back then, now, I accept it and want it now.

It's been 14 months since Dday. Mediation was suppose to happen in October but was postponed due to a medical emergency of the retired judge. Has been set for April.

He is hiding money, his attorney is putting up smoke screens and he's really being a bastard. I have been through two attorneys, finally found one who will fight for me.

He and the OW got engaged last summer. She has moved into the house we bought together. That hurts but am coming to the thought that the two of them deserve each other. She's after his money and he's after the next narcissistic supply. She will be his fourth wife, he's cheated on all the previous wives. I did not know his track record coming into this marriage.

So, the good news is I am feeling stronger. I still have my moments (still don't understand why he did what he did) but am grateful he is no longer in my life. I have my own life now. I am free to do what I please. I am finding my happiness now, I found my smile and my laugh again. My home has honesty, integrity and peace now. No more lies...no more abuse...no more trying to please someone else. I managed to keep up with my studies and will graduate this June.

I have a son from my first marriage, he's an adult. He has absolutely no respect for my STBX and has severed all ties with him. My son loved him dearly but that all changed on Dday. My son just graduated college, my niece got married and had a baby. So many good things have happened this year and STBX was not a part of it.

You are teaching your children self esteem, respect and honesty. I know it is hard. You are strong and you are a good Father.

Hugs!


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her coming home really doesnt bother me anymore. And im trying to keep the peace during the divorce. So im avoiding getting into any battles. Her mood actually seems more irritable than mine recently. Ive been calm and cool. I just hope the divorce goes smoothly. I already spent $7000.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like your selfish wife is assuming she can get you back at any time if things don't work out with OM in her trial 'marriage'. The petition for a divorce is irrelevant to her, since she thinks the decision whether to reconcile is hers alone.

If this is true then she really is in control of the situation. She gets to choose which guy she will spend her life with. Until you reach the stage where you KNOW that you would not reconcile no matter how hard she pleaded, then you are in the very sad situation of being the puppet and guess who gets to jerk the strings.

If this divorce drag out for another few months it may very well be that your WW will decide to reconcile; having exhausted the passion of the affair, together with the children having difficulty accepting the OM as a potential stepfather. You have given her reason to believe that you will be agreeable to reconciliation too; therein lies the reason for her current arrogance.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fine if she thinks she can reconcile anytime. I'll let her think that. I have doubts she will ever regret or be remorseful though. But if that happens, all the more painful it will be for her when she realizes I'm really gone. I am past the point of no return with the divorce. Even now, I notice that my thoughts are focusing on how I get the best divorce settlement. I used to think, how can I win her love back.

By the way, she hasn't introduced the kids to OM yet. When she visits them, its always at our home. So I am with the kids all the time, whether she is there or not.

I have no idea whats going on with the A. I don't ask anymore. I guess I don't really care.
OM can have her sorry ass.

[This message edited by coda87 at 12:59 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, she hasn't introduced the kids to OM yet.

I would think that she would have introduced the kids to the OM weeks ago. If she is sure OM is the one she is going to be with, then getting the children's 'approval' is one of the first things she needs to focus on. Nevertheless I would doubt things are going to work out with the OM - they seldom do. Affairs borne of dishonesty are on shaky ground from the start, and as soon as familiarity sets in one of the two cheaters is going to question their decisions and the tremendous damage they have caused.

About time some of the pain went their way. Selfish, narcissistic bastards.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow coda, I can hear the detachment and distance in your statements. Good on you!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been pretty much total withdrawal by both of us. No talking except when necessary. We don't even really say hi/bye anymore either. I've gone dark on her.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will never get any justice out of this. Sometimes, the world just isn't a fair place.

All you can do is work on yourself. It's Coda's and Coda's kids time right now.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it just doesn't seem fair. I guess that's life. I hope one day my wife realizes what she is giving up. But she may not, or may not admit it.

I am moving on. Trying to look forward to being single again.

I bought flowers for OMW yesterday for Valentines Day. Not because I wanted her to be my valentine. I just wanted to do something nice for someone (not my WW) on valentines. OMW was very appreciative (her WH didn't get her anything obviously). Special days are tough when your are separated or going through D.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Coda:

I just wanted to warn you about 'rebound' relationships after experiencing the devastation you just went through.

BE VERY CAREFUL in getting involved with OMW. I know you said that you didn't mean anything by giving OMW flowers, but I'm not so sure she will take it the same way.

Think of how your kids will see it. I suggest to STAY AWAY FROM OMW.

Wait a few months after the D is final. Take a deep breath then start dating. Don't even think about it now until the D is final.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the warning, but I'm not attracted to the OMW. She has been very supportive and a great source of missing info about the AP and what he is up to. But that's about it between us. I'm pretty sure she is starting another relationship already.
The valentines thing was more for me to feel good about doing something nice.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda

That was very nice sending flowers to her.

Please leave the bill home on your kitchen table this weekend!!!

I am glad you are being strong and thinking about your future.

I have one question.

Has your wife spoken to her mother/parents yet?

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only her mother is still alive. She hasnt talked to her yet. I think she is ashamed.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife started taking the kids to her condo on Saturday nights. To be honest, it is a nice break as they are with me the other 6 nights of the week.
We stopped pretty much all unnecessary communication.

Once in a while now, I find myself still hoping there is a chance. But then I know its too late now. 2/21 was my six month Dday anniversary. I almost am back to a stable emotional state. I can see the situation from the outside (not just as a BS). And all I can say is what a pity things ended up this way. So much pain, not for just my kids and I, but our families and friends, the OMW and her kids, her family & friends. And I bet even my WW has suffered too, if not from the realization of what she has sacrificed, then from all the mean crap and anger I've dished out her in the several weeks right after Dday. This whole situation is so stupid. I wish I could make my WW see it. But I know she is still in a denial/justification frame of mind.

OMW called me today. Her and AP went to see a counselor to get advice on making their D go more smoothly especially for the kids. She was alarmed at how her husband lied about how much money he makes and their finances, and his threats not to pay for a lawyer if she retained her own attorney. I've told her before and pleaded with her to file for D or Legal Separation to get the legal and financial protection she deserves. She agreed with me that she can't trust her husband.

I'm disappointed with my attorney. Maybe he was just busy the last couple weeks, or I'm obsessively impatient. But he hasn't contacted me in a couple of weeks (his staff has). I want to see some forward progress with the D.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:08 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope the OMW gets a lawyer.

Her husband is a liar and cheater.

Why on earth would she trust him with the legal and financial end of this raw deal???

I had a friend go through infidelity in her marriage with her husband Coda.

She was well off when she got married and helped her husband finance his own hedge fund in NY City.

She also paid off his schooling earlier in their relationship.

She knew her husband since they were in high school.

Her husband traveled for his company. One night she gets a call from the OW telling her that her H has been cheating with her for over a year and that she is pregnant.

Nice way to find out huh?

Her husband tells her has no money. His lawyer states the same thing in writing. her husband threatens her he will report her cash business to the IRS to make her life difficult during the divorce.

My friend hires a special attorney and accountant. Not only did her husband have millions in multiple bank accounts but he also had taken millions out of her personal account and funneled it into his business making it look like an investment.

He even had illegally taken her name off the their beach house in the Hamptons.

She got everything back including the house after the divorce.

And she knew him since they were 16 years old.

Tell that story to the OMW.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 8:00 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard from my sister that her husband who owns a retail business that also advertises in the AP's magazine, stopped his advertisements. He ran 3 page ads in the front of the magazine ($10,000/mo. in ad fees)and was the magazine's biggest client. Then he called the AP to meet at coffee shop and in a loud voice in front of everyone there he blasted the AP by saying something to the effect of "You fricken betrayed me! You talked shit about me and my family behind my back and how dare you sleep with my brother inlaw's wife!" The AP was speechless and shocked. The funny thing is the AP did talk crap about my sister's husband and told my WW. Then my WW told both my mother and me about it. And we told my sister who told her husband.
Anyway, doesn't really matter but I'm happy to hear some bad karma is already making it's way back to the AP. He deserves it.

Okay, I need advice about my WW. We are separated but she comes to the house Tue Thu nights to see kids/make dinner. Then she comes back Saturday mid-day and takes kids to her place to stay overnight til-Sunday morning. So I basically still see her four days a week. We don't fight, but I guess It does bother me cause I feel like she still is getting the best of both worlds. And she still asks me to help with stuff which and I usually comply.
I've been putting up with it, I think mainly because I want the divorce to go smoothly. So I pretend to be somewhat friendly. But inside I feel deep resentment and anger still. Once the D is final I plan and having as little contact with WW. I think she wants us to be friends and have a good relationship. I don't want to necessarily be enemies and continue to fight forever. But I don't want to have any other relationship (except a co-parent)and as little contact as possible. I'm thinking about telling her to stop coming over. If she wants to see the kids, then just pick them up and leave.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Picking them up and leaving will be for the best for you. The more NC you can have the better. Once divorced its YOUR house. She can only come in if YOU invite her to. I would also change any locks and rescramble the garage door remote at that time too. It really becomes the only way you can start over and begin rebuilding your life without her hanging around every week. Again...these were her choices, not your's.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a talk with WW just now. Not about the A. More about how to make the D process go smoothly and what will work for each of us. But from what she said, it really sounds like she is still deeply emotionally attached to the AP. And she said something like, she doesn't think we could reconcile even if we tried, but she is not sure if things will work out with AP either, so it's a hard choice. I didn't argue, I said I know its a tough decision to make. But just I told her, she should just do what she thinks will make her happy. And that for me, I just want to get through the D with the least amount of disruption for our kids (ie me keeping our house, etc).

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:03 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - Someone, I think it was Bigger, said that after I expose the A, my WW will say she was thinking about R, but now that I exposed it to everyone, it's nearly impossible. We she basically told me that tonight and added that she will look bad if she tries to R now. Haha! She is following the WW script perfectly. What else should I expect now?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
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